Congrats on the progress and more realistic body image.

Sat 10/7 log:

Wow, nice progress all the way around, MLYLT. Rooting for you.

Thanks Voracious!

Progress for the first week of October. I had a busy week at work and ate a lot of take out food. Back on schedule this coming week.

MLY,

"Protein"

From my armpits to the bottom of my ribs and my abs are so incredibly sore today from doing push-ups.

MYLT: maybe you could try incline pushups. They are easier than regular sit-ups but not quite as easy as pushups on the knees. It’s a good scaling option that should allow you to get more reps and maintain good form.

Just tried the incline push ups on the stairs. It's so hard! I got 2 1/2

Workout Mon 10/9:

25mins walking @5°,3.6!!!!!

Squats:
1x10x95
2x8x115

Lunges:
3x20

A lot of the regular guys were looking at me weird in the gym today and I was feeling really self conscious. There is a really small space to do lunges where 2 people can go side by side; everyone at my gym does them, so people just get in two lines to do them. When I got in line they were looking at me weird :/
I also set the squat bar too high after I had my weights on, so I lifted the bar down to adjust and couldn't get it back up so I asked a guy to lift it for me. He looked at me weird and asked if I dropped it or something.

Mon 10/9 log:
3.5miles total for the day

Gosh dang it! Tapatalk won't let me upload my shoulder pics...what the hell. Does it think my back fat is titties or something and there is some nudity filter?

Exercise Tues 10/10:

I was in a rush today, so I didn't walk much and did all of my weights in a circuit with very little rest. I was also in my work clothes and my thighs started to chafe

5min walk@5°,3.5

Bench:
1x75x12
2x75x10
(I'm going to increase the weight next time)

Face pulls:
1x20x50
2x15x50

Iso lateral rows:
3x10x45s

DB rows:
3x10x30s

Ive been slipping into a manic low all week after a solid month of feeling better than I've felt in two years. I wasn't even manic high most of the time, just normal, at peace, and I had my mind back. I had so much hope that it was finally over and I could finally climb out of the pit. I saw light for the first time in two years, now its goddam ****ing dark again.
Just FML and my stupid ****ed up brain. I goddam hate everything.

MLYLT,

I know it's easier said than done, but just try to keep making good decisions. Better days will come.

manic high = hypomania. fwiw.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypomania

imo2 - gogo mlylt

Why is protein always so low

Thank you guys.
EV, I've haven't been eating a lot of chicken,meats, or eggs lately.

My daughter was sick this morning so I called into work and then had my mom come. She was bouncing around at 10:00 and left with my mom. This is horrible, but I was glad I had a reason to call into work other than I was depressed again. I only slept 2 hrs last night and I was going completely insane. I've just been in the bed all day today thinking about dying. I really want to force myself to get up now and go to work. I actually have a lot of things to get done and I'll be able to work with some people on one of the night crews and it will keep me from thinking about dying.

I think I'm safe from killing myself. I have narrowed it down to using only a gun because I won't risk surviving if I ever do it. I don't have a gun, I can't buy one at the store and I don't know and don't want to know another way to get one. I was thinking a lot about just jumping in front of a truck today. The interstate is 2 miles away, but I can't even get out of bed and then I don't want to risk getting injured really bad and surviving. I'm also scared I won't be able to cut an artery if I tried to just bleed out and 15mins to bleed out just seems too long. I need something instant, painless, and 100% permanent.
I just can't ****ing believe this is happening again. I was incredibly happy and excited and alive. Now I feel insane again. If I can just force myself to get up and put on clothes and leave the house to do anything I know it will get better.

This is part of the problem. Despite your experience, you still give into the manic high and believe you will not come down. You need to realize that this is a continual pattern you will likely engage in your entire life. This is why consistent therapy is important, as it teaches you preparation and expectation for these cycles. When you develop these positive coping mechanisms, you won't feel so lost when the bottom (inevitably) drops out.

This. Wish you the best MLYLT.

MLY you know this will pass. It must be incredibly hard to deal with and I have no real idea how you cope, but it will pass and you will feel normal again.

Sincerely, my very best to you and your daughter.

+1

MLY, I often don't post when you go through this stuff because I'm not sure what to say and I'd sooner shut up than say the wrong thing, but all the best in dealing with it.

Thank you so much. This is perfect. Thank you.