It happened during my natural shows as well when I got very lean, and I'm on tren now and sleep fine I think it's just a low food and body fat thing combined with anxiety I was running the tren at least 14 weeks or longer because I took it post show as well.

Starvation causes a stress/inflammation response, so it makes sense you'd have more anxiety and trouble sleeping before a show.

I can't do any kind of IF cuz if I don't eat for more than about 12 hours I start getting the panic attack symptoms.

Just got back from a 5.5 mile run/walk with my running buddy. We had a nice chat about sexual abuse, rape, and the orlando shooting. Going to my therapist later today.

6/16/16

Had some energy.

pushups 10x5
chinups 5x5
knee hugs 30x1

Ran 1 mile in 10:40, then alternated running 3 minutes and walking 2 minutes for 40 minutes.

Ankles are sore today. Maybe it's my running technique?

Ya I just wouldn't run

I actually like running. And when I run with my friend it's the only irl social interactions I've had in months.

Here's basically how my life goes:

step 1: "I wanna get swole rawr"

step 2: lift every day for a week or two

step 3: anxiety goes through the roof, must take more xanax and seroquel just to sleep 3-4 hours a night

step 4: "I can't ****ing stand this. I have to sleep. My health is more important than getting swole, I gotta stop lifting."

step 5: no lifting for a week or two

step 6: "ughhhh I can feel my body deteriorating and getting weaker, I gotta lift. **** my health I wanna get swole at any cost."

Repeat.

Ya if lifting makes your anxiety worse I don't see why you would do it

6/25/16

142.2 lbs

pushups 15x4
chinups 5x4
1-arm bo row 23x15x3

I'm actually doing as much as I can.

Job search still being thwarted by peanut allergy.

Haven't been running much. Was supposed to run last wednesday but my friend hurt her ankle so we went out for pancakes/cinnamon roll instead. More fun than running imo.

Gonna have to break up with my therapist tomorrow. She is nice and cute but mildly incompetent, and has a poor sense of style. Last week she was wearing a white top with gold sequins all over the front, and white snakeskin shoes. How can I take life advice from someone who looks like that? I almost threw up. She's been filling in for my regular therapist who's on maternity leave. I think I'll just tell her I'm gonna wait until my reg therapist comes back in a month.

I still find it mildly amusing that there is a pastry chef with a peanut allergy out there. Any daycare services or schools out there looking for a pastry chef might be your ticket.

Nice and cute should outweigh mildly incompetent but if she has a poor sense of style I agree that you should definitely dump her. Is there another alternative therapist until your reg is back?

I just need to work at a european style place, cuz euros don't like peanuts.

Nice and cute therapist is so awkward to talk to. She never knows what to say. Reg therapist is coming back at the end of july so I'll just wait until then.

I could totally do her job. Never know what to say and crappy sense of style. Check.
Seems odd for a therapist though. Hang in there.

this girl wants the D imo

Dumped my therapist today. I told her I don't think I'll have anything to talk about for the next few weeks so I might as well just wait for my reg therapist to come back. She was nice about it. She has such a cute nose.

I read this book a few days ago. It's about designing one week to give yourself a kick in the ass, break bad habits, and see how much you can accomplish if you don't **** around on the internet or your phone all day. It sounds like exactly what I need. I'm gonna do it next week, monday to sunday. I'll post my specific goals here when I get them all written out.

I started feeling really good tuesday so I'm lifting and running again.

7/5/16
Weighed 140.6 lbs.

pushups 10x2
chinups 5x2
db squat 46x8x2
knee hugs 30x2
10k run/walk in 89 minutes. It was hot AF and I had to sit down for a few minutes twice lol.

7/6/16

pushups 10x5
chinups 5x5
db curl 23x8x4
db bo row 33x12x4
lateral raise 13x10x4
arnold press 23x8x4

7/7/16

10k run/walk in 81 minutes. Might lift some later if I have some energy left.

10k runs = bad idea lol. Felt like I was gonna have a heart attack last night. I think ima stick to 1-2 mile runs, maybe 3 miles if I'm with my friend.

7/8/16

pushup 10x5
chinup 5x5
lateral raise 13x10x4
curl 23x8x4
bo row 33x12x4
rear delt raise 5x12x4
arnold press 23x8x4
tricep pushdown w/ bands 12x4
flys 18x10x4

7/9/16

Ran 1 mile in 10:15

1-leg dl 43x10x2
knee hugs 30x2

Tired af today. I've been sleeping about 5 hrs a night. Rest day tomorrow. Then **** gonna get real next week.

Next week I will attempt to get my **** together, using some of the techniques from the book I linked in post #215.

This involves 8 components:

1. Sleep. I'll go to sleep at a consistent time every night (10pm). I'll take xanax/seroquel/lexapro at 9pm. In order to optimize sleep I'll turn off all electronics and lights at 9pm. I'll also wear an eye mask and earplugs. Wake up at 7am every day.

2. Exercise. Run 1 mile every day, my goal being to get under 10 minutes. 30 sets of lifting every day, keeping every set in a high rep range as heavy weights create anxiety for whatever reason. Also some footwork drills every day because I want to get better coordinated with my feet.

3. Self care. This includes taking a shower every day. Brushing my teeth 3x/day, oil pulling 1x/day. Trimming nose hair, eyebrows, etc. This is usually the first thing I slack off on when depressed.

4. No ****ty food. No refined sugars/flours. No PUFAs. Straight clean meat/fish/eggs/whey/veg/fruit. Keep a complete log of all foods eaten and macros.

5. No tv, no movies, no social media, and maximum of 30 minutes of internet per day. Use this time instead for reading and learning spanish.

6. Mindfullness. Meditate at leat 20 minutes per day. Try transcendental meditation at least once. Do every activity with complete concentration and mindfullness. No multitasking, no thinking about anything except what I'm currently doing.

7. Positivity. Write down every negative thought or self-talk. Respond with more helpful ones. Find ways to regain the self confidence I once had.

8. Apply for at least 10 jobs.

Good luck!

7/11/16

Went on 2+2 for a few minutes this morning without thinking. That's the only slip up.

pushup 15x5
chinup 5x5
lateral raise 13x11x4
curl 23x8x4
rear delt raise 7.5x12x4
flys 18x12x4
arnold press 23x8x4
knee hugs 30x4

Ran 1 mile in 9:46. Booyah!

Ate cleeeeeen.
2069 calories
96 fat
153 protein
159 carb
26 fiber

1 banana
3 eggs
48g whey
140g blueberries
2T half and half
1oz parmesan cheez
3 T butter
397g cod
5oz broccoli
5oz spinach
4oz peas
4oz plantain chips

Applied for 2 jerbs: a southern italian place where they supposedly make gelato and sorbet in house, and a seafood place that's new and doesn't have menus on their site yet.

Got the jerb at the southern Italian place, and I worked all last week. They basically offered me a job on the spot after I worked for a day. I cancelled the interview at the seafood place.

Because of the anxiety about the new jerb and getting sick last week, I didn't sleep more than about 4 hours per night.

It's a cool place tho. Good food, people are cool, the pastry chef used to work at Alinea and she's nice, unless someone takes her spoons. There's a wood burning oven they make pizza in and we have pizza for staff lunch a couple times a week. We have a blast chiller, batch freezer, and nice mixers. The gelatos are awesome.

I've had today and yesterday off and I think I've slept about 20 hours.

The other pastry guy is out this week and I'll have to plate during service on friday and saturday night, which is gonna suck balls. I told them I wanted to do mainly production. Whatevs.

Therapist is back from maternity leave, I'm gonna call her today and make an appontment for next week. Life is good overall, just haven't been lifting.

Hey congrats on the job mate!

Great work.

Nice, congrats!

Hellz yeah bro! congratulations!