3/17/16

goblet squat 43x12x4
1-leg calf raise 43x16x4
1-leg kickback 33x13x4
1-leg bridge 28x15x4

3/18/16

knee hugs 25x4
side plank 28x 25 seconds x3
lying leg raise 15x4

3/19/16

1-arm bo db row 28x15x4
db deadlift 56x10x4
bo db row 56x13x5
1-leg stiff leg db deadlift 33x10x4

Got some blood test results today:

fasting glucose: 92
vitamin D: 54
total cholesterol: 199
HDL: 78
LDL: 111
triglycerides: 52
liver+kidney function were all good

ye, i get what you mean. but talking to someone about my problems just seems...weird and embarrassing. i dont think i can do that. if i was asked that beating off question, id just walk out the door and never come back. i got goosebumps reading that..

do u have a job? how do u make money? are you a degen yourself? also where are you located in chi? we should get swole together.

I know it sucks to ask someone for help, it's one of the worst nightmares of people with social anxiety. I know it sucks to feel weak and vulnerable and like you don't have complete control over everything.

There comes a point where you have to ask yourself if being on the same repetetive cycle of misery is worse than sucking it up and asking for help.

Like I said , it took me 1.5 years of going to the same therapist every week in order to feel comfortable enough to answer questions like that. And if I still wasn't ok with it, I would've just said "I don't want to talk about that" and my therapist would've said that's fine we can move on to something else.

Any good therapist will be a very non-judgemental person who wants to help you. You can reveal as much or as little as you want, at your own pace. It's not like you have to call them up and go "I have an eating disorder waaaahhhhhh! halp meee!" You can just call them and say you want to talk to someone, then when your comfortable enough with that therapist, you can talk about the eating stuff whenever you're ready. The only thing you can't do, if you're going to make any progress, is lie to your therapist.

From reading your thread, you sound like an alcoholic trying to come up some elaborate drinking system in order to convince themself they're still in control and don't need help. All the talk about how you just need to do another cycle of bulking and cutting or cutting and bulking or whatever. I can't even keep track of what your goals are because they change on a whim according to however you feel this week. There's like a dozen objective observers all telling you the same thing, that you need help.

I played poker for a living from 2004-2009. I quit because I got sick of it, and I was really depressed at the time. I've been unemployed for like 8 months, I've put all my energy into self help. I'm on the north side. We can hang, but I still have too much social anxiety to go to a gym lol. I used to live in Austin and I had a 24hr Fitness membership. I would only go there from 12-3am, and I would still get anxious even when it was just me in the squat rack and 1 other guy way across the room on a treadmill.

The underlined is a very poor way to think about this issue.

If you have a legitimate mental illness/chemical imbalance that can be effectively managed by medication, why wouldn't you do it? Whether or not you are "natty" if you take medicine prescribed by a doctor isn't really a concern worth having unless you're a Christian Scientist or something. And I would argue it's not really worth having then either, but at least there's some kind of external reason (i.e. brainwashing) at work, as opposed to (again) a potential mental illness or chemical imbalance.

also its untrue number1 consumes drugs just not the ones he feels are naughty

that seems like a terrible way to live, i hope you get better soon

3/20/16

chinups 5x5
pushups 10x12x5
1-arm tricep extension 13x10x5
lateral raise 13x15x5
shrugs 48x16x5

Weighed in today at

Your onset of panic attacks sounds very similar to what I went through. I would highly recommend sticking with the meditation. It made a huge difference for me. I found reading any of Jon Kabat-Zinn's work immensely helpful. Or listen to Thich Nhat Hanh's talks on youtube. Best of luck in your recovery, I know how awful chronic intense anxiety can be

I'd also at least consider the possibility of waning off medication. Drugs can be great for depression but in my opinion aren't very effective long term for anxiety. They just create a perpetual cycle.

The reality of almost all psychiatric medications is that they affect different people in different ways and no one really knows why. Telling someone to get off medication just because it didn't work for you is really dangerous and terrible advice.

My experience has been very different than yours. Medication has worked wonders for my panic attacks and anxiety with almost no side effects, but only slightly helped my depression.

Nothing wrong with Thich Nhat Hanh, but since I have assburgers I need people to be very direct and blunt for me to understand what they're saying and hold my attention. I can't stand anyone who speaks in a very "spiritual" way. Robina Courtin is my fave:

Keep her lit big lad

I would have tears of laughter if someone asked me that wank question....if you can answer that with a striaght and honest face then fair play...struggle to see how its a revelant question but i suppose its easy explantions for that line of questioning. Lots of laughter

thats because the understanding of the brain chemistry is mediocre, at best

lots of things going on, so much research left to do

for example the ssri / tianeptine paradox etc.

SSRIs were good for me in the beginning, but also messed me up in strange ways, got off them against the professional advice = most profit ever

Lol keep her lit....take the guy out of norn iron but can't keep norm iron out of the boy.

Fair enough. You'll never truly heal unless you make lifestyle changes, medication can only do so much. As debilitating and awful panic attacks are you'll need to get used to the idea of allowing them. I found mindfulness helpful in this regard. Being fully present and okay with the incredibly uncomfortable sensations of a panic attack can do wonders in defusing them. Good luck.

3/21/16

Rest day.

3/22/16

Did one set of goblet squats and I think I leaned too far forward on the last rep. I felt a sudden intense pain in the middle of my back and was basically incapacitated the rest of the day.

3/23/16 - 3/24/16

Depression is a bitch. I don't how much the back injury contributed to it, but it didn't help. Did nothing, ate almost nothing. Spent most of the time playing solitaire and listening to metal, or pacing back and forth in my room. Didn't shower or go outside or interact with any humans.

3/25/16

weight: 136.2 lbs

Did 2x15 lying leg raises, 10 pushups, 5 chinups this morning. Depression slightly less. Ate 2 Epic bars and a few figs. Might eat some fried rice later while watching Broad City.

why?

I dunno. I've tried to run a few times recently. I have a friend who said she'd like to run with me this summer, so I think that would make me feel less dumb running.

Ya you have to change your thought process, I'm sure you don't " look like a ******" when you run how did you come to this conclusion?

I hate myself, I think I look stupid doing anything.

Is this your girlfriend?

No I posted some pics of her in the LC thread and all anyone talked about was the nose ring so efffff those haters.

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Ok, depression episode over. It'll take a day or two to get my full energy back, but I'll do as much as I can today. I feel like doing burpees until I barf.