Quote:
Originally Posted by DodgerIrish
What was the gap in time between the two incidents of depression?
If it wasn't too great, is it possible that the gears of dealing with your own mortality have been turning in the back of your mind?
Seems like everything after are you addressing the reality of the situation. Just might be helpful to think of it in those terms, if you weren't before. I don't mean to project here, just reads that way to me.
My own mortality 100% played a role the first time. It was a relatively stressful period for me on a few levels with work, family stuff and TBH no small part to do with politics in the US which has been a fairly steady weight on my mental for a while. The anxiety attack peaked literally on mortality with me considering what it would mean to my wife and kids if I were to die and the realization that previously perceived relief of escaping no longer applies to that thought. That was the horror of that moment, I suppose. I have not been particularly afraid of death for myself in a chronic way until I began to think about what that would mean for my wife and kids and negative narratives about what the future would hold for them without my energy to protect them. (I know that those thoughts are not 100% accurate)
I got over that though. The joint pain is really very manageable so far. It has not interfered with my lifting or my life yet. Also, although it came on suddenly it has actually not gotten worse yet either, which was the big fear I had. Like, hello, you are partially disabled, kid--starting....now.
The last incident which was a few weeks ago was much more physical depression than anxiety. I was not having negative thoughts, just zero motivation, energy, ability or desire to engage with anyone, or really agency in simple things. Zero purpose. I just felt like I needed to retreat entirely. It only lasted one day, thankfully, but it was severe enough I had to ask my wife not to go out and leave me with the kids because I didn't feel up to the ordinary task of feeding them and putting them to bed.
Anyway, I am putting this out there mostly because I feel like it is tough for everyone to be open about this stuff and I want to support it. I am not suffering much at all, just dealing with it and currently not in a bad space at all relatively. I guess I hope to add the perspective that judgment we (or others) give ourselves in dealing with these symptoms--even the ones that seem mental--make no more sense than judging ourselves for something like joint pain.