I don't drink. Hope your brother is doing well.

All memein' aside, you staying hydrated? That has ****ed me up with lightheadedness before.

Yeah I know you don't drink. I'd go see a doctor and get checked over although I know you've been seeing one anyway so you'd think they would be on top of everything.

Yeah, have my usual monthly appointment next week, but will call tomorrow to see if he wants me to come in sooner. Afraid he'll say "don't exercise" until then. Everything looked fine last time.

JT; yes. I decided my urine was too yellow so been making an effort to drink extra water the last few days. Pretty much clear today. Probably been taking in less liquid than usual since I got the espresso maker.

And yet, today was another episode of head rushes or "lightheadedness" or "the vapors" after practically every set (ironically not after pullups). I'm actually starting to wonder if it's from *not* taking my usual preworkout (Genius non-caffeine); I know I didn't take it today or the last time I had the "every set" problem, and that I did take it before my last workout which was fine. Not sure about the other workout though.

1/4 -- 229 lbs 21.3% bf

Rehab squats & deadlift

GHRs 2x8
Single leg RDLs 2x6x135
HBB Squats (speed) 6x185, 6x235, 2x285, 315 @6, 3x6x285 @7.5, 8, 8
Dips ladder 1->3, 6x+45, 6x+90 @7, 2x6x+105 @8, 9
1 & 1/2 Dips 4x+105 @10, 4x+90 @10
Deadlift 6x225, 6x275, 2x315, 365, 2x6x330
1 & 1/2 Pullups (standard grip) Myo-Reps bwx 6, 2, 2, 1.5 (6 is 12, in a way)
1 & 1/2 Incline Dumbell Bench (45 deg) 8x50s, 3x8x55s @9, 10s

Ramping up the lower body rehab by starting out some heavier singles. Did squats as fast as possible but held off on that for deadlifts because "somewhat fast" seems safer for now. Back feels bomber, no issues.

Pretty much everything felt good today while I was doing it. It was just the 15 seconds or so afterwards that kinda sucked.

Technically yesterday included an anxiety attack that stuck for a couple of hours. First one like that for several months. A few months before that it was most days. Not sure there's ever an actual cause, but it was a day we were increasing one of the wife's meds, and that did throw her pretty far "off" for the day. A "can't leave her alone" day.

1/5 -- 228 lbs 21% bf

Yoga

1/6 -- ???


Overhead Press 6x105, 5x145, 3x165 @7.5, 185 @9, 3x6x157.5 @8, 8.5, 9, 2x6x150 @8, 9
NG Ring Chins ladder 1->5, 5x+45, 5x+70 @7, 3x+95 @8, +140f, 2x1x120 @8.5, 9, 5xbw, 5x+50, 3x3x+95 @8.5, 8.5, 9, 2x3x+80 @8, 8.5
Reverse-Grip Bench Press Myo Reps with 185: 12, 5, 3 f4 (same as last week)
Finger curls 3x8x185

Pretty basic day with a bit more volume over intensity. Getting used to wrist wraps for OHP, I think, though I did catch myself slight leaning on the 185 before correcting.

Chinups I just couldn't quite lock out the +140. At least, not without getting mad which I wasn't going to try today. Maybe just because of the 1 & 1/2 pullup sets a few days ago. At least the sets across felt better.

Took pre again today and no problem with lightheadedness, other than the slight headache and uncertainty that comes from constantly checking your head for lightness. Doc thinks Thursday will be fine--probably quick blood pressure drops and could be from several of my meds. Basically try not to strain to the point of passing out.

On another note; got a call today about an assistance-waiver program for home and respite care we applied to a couple months ago. We've been accepted and have a 3rd party case manager coming tomorrow to review our options, but she said we've been approved for 8 hours per day 7 days per week. This is substantially more than I was expecting and while I should be feeling happy about that so far I'm mostly some sort of nervous terrified. Not to get all "emo" on your candy asses, but this is "have a life of my own" levels of assistance we're talking about.

Wow. Congrats, man. I can imagine how that has got to be a lot to digest.

+1

Great to hear, man. Keep us posted and I hope it works out well - you deserve it.

That's such exciting news! Congratulations Holliday. I'm so happy for you!

Holliday, this is life changing news for both of you. Ty for sharing with us, I’m so happy.

Thanks guys. Managed to talk the wife through some of the implications last night. Something I've been working on in therapy is my "catastrophic thinking" problem; not just thinking of what can go wrong but fixating on those scenarios far beyond the relative weight of how likely they are to occur. Thinking of catastrophes as things that are *going* to happen instead of a mix of possibilities, or some sort of reverse Sklansky-bucks thing.

In my situation, it's easy to just start thinking of what can go wrong (as a matter of practical planning). It turns into a list, and a few items into the (usually escalating) list I'm getting seized up with anxiety. By the time I pull myself away from thinking about it, I'm done thinking about it so I never get to the rest of the possibilities or any sort of proportional risk/benefit analysis. Trying to not go down that rabbit hole here. Or the "critical self-thinking" problem that wants to beat myself up over the catastrophic thinking problem (among other things) despite my poker background and being the spouse without brain damage.

OK obviously that last one is not easy for me. But not going to beat myself up about it!(?)

--in a good way!(?)

1/7 -- 229 lbs 21.3% bf

rehab deadlifts & front squats

GHRs 2x8
Front squats 5x135, 5x185, 2x8x225
BTN Press/Push Press Complex 3x135/3x135, 5x155/5x155, 2x(3x160/3x160)
Snatch Grip RDLs 8x135, 6x185
Deadlifts (double overhand) 6x225, 3x275, 325, 380, 5x345
Curls, Ab wheel rollouts

Everything fine. Working back to not using straps for deadlifts. Was fine compared to finger curls. Really tempted to "jump ahead" today and do a real DL workout but decided to "stick with the plan". Will start taking 10 pound jumps from here.

Realized it's been 5 weeks since I last did the BTN complex so wasn't sure what I'd be able to make or not. Pretty much fine.

1/8

Yoga 75 min

1/9 -- ???

Bench Press (speed) 6x135, 6x185, 3x235, 275 @6.5, 290 @8, 6x145, 6x195, 3x6x240 @7.5, 8, 8
Pendlay Rows 10x95, 10x145, 10x195, 10x235, 3x10x245
Sled pulls, Box jumps
Pin Presses from above the shoulders 5x135, 4x175 @10, 3x175 @10

Real bumrush to get anything in; compressed my usual warmup and mostly walked from one lift straight to another for 50 minutes in & out. Indulged in an extra round of pin presses after the AMRAP. Was a bad day for the wife--sometimes she just wakes up with nothing working and it's like we're back to 3 or 4 years ago. Did still take her in for her session with neuro-psychologist since she hasn't seen her for a month now and obviously has a lot of changes to process. She spent the afternoon being overcome by sleep until finally feeling ok in the evening and I...*just barely* had time left to run to the gym.

At least it gave me time to get through paperwork, paperwork, paperwork!

Some sort of pain in the middle of my left lat right around the bottom of the shoulder blade for a few days now. Hoping it's just a big knot or trigger point. Acting up with various motions and moreso if it's a fast or sudden movement. This was the 3rd day and was feeling better after some lacrosse ball pressing Friday--wanted to test things out and see if it would loosen up through lifting lightly and trying other lifts. That would be, "No".


1/12 -- 228 lbs 21% bf

Light Lat Pulldowns, Seated Rows
HBB Squats 8x135, 8x185, 8x225, 2x275 (**** that), Myo-reps with 225; 12, 5, 5, 5, 4
Overhead Press 8x95, 135f (**** that), 12x115 @9, Myo-reps with 115; 12, 2, 1


If it's an exercise not listed here, that means I tried it and it was a "no go"; pullup, dip, bench press (although pushups seemed fine), deadlift, pendlays, etc. Leg press was taken so didn't get a chance to try that. Not sure if that is an appropriate use of Myo-reps or not but I was running low on time by then and otherwise it was feeling the roughest in my lat on the first rep but fine after the 5 breath break. Under the circumstance I think this workout was fine. At least got a little work in and felt some burn. Hopefully it doesn't become something I need to get checked out.

CBD note: the oil that goes under your tongue and can be mixed in drinks is *vastly* superior to the gummy bears. Faster and much better absorption despite similar cost per CBD unit. I *feel relief* at the 20 minute mark whereas with the gummies it's about an hour later I *feel less anxiety*. They tell me vaping or bonging is way faster with the best absorption but with my history of collapsed lungs I'm not really looking to start either of those habits. Probably.

Not sure if I have the same thing as you but my left mid back started hurting after a strapped deadlift single months ago and now acts up randomly whenever it wants. I just take a tylenol or ibuprofen when it interferes with training.

Bong!

Oh, wrong word, sorry; "dabbing". Sort of hand-vaporizing the concentrated powder. Looks like a bong though.

1/14 -- 228 lbs 21.1%bf

Improvised various rehabs:

Front Squats -- hard No
Good Mornings 3x6x85 fine
Leg Press 10x180, 10x320, 10x450, 3x10x500 unpleasant but bearable
Overhead Press 6x85, 3x135, 3x155, 6x3x160, 3x155 fine
1 & 1/2 paused NG Ring Chins 4xbw, 4x+25, 3x5x+30 surprisingly fine
Deadlift 8x135, 6x185, 6x225, 6x275, 3x6x305 just unpleasant during but nasty between sets
Dips ladder 1->10 a little weird at the top

The "knot" or whatever is getting better as evidenced by my being able to do OHP, dips, or pullups *at all*. Also, able to get out of bed without having to WIM it up. Still firing off here and there but seems to be responding to lacrosse ball pressing. Building up; only thing remotely close to normal weight were the leg presses. Putting a lot of faith into G4S's "Stop over thinking programming and just get in and do something and it'll take care of itself." theory.

Oh, had to cancel last week's doctor appointment due to the wife having a really bad day, but thankfully not passing out lately.

Looks like I misdiagnosed myself. Tingling started in my left pinky yesterday and there's a little pain radiating along the tricep. Probably a herniated disc c7t1 right at the bottom of the neck. Would also cause pain between the shoulder blades. Seems pretty mild and I have no weakness I can detect. As per usual, it's worst first thing in the morning due to the discs replenishing during sleep.

Insane, I know, but debating holding off on calling my doctor. These usually just go away within 6 weeks, I won't take painkillers, am not having any spasms, and I doubt my Dr. is going to play along with my "which lifts should I do and progress" questions.

Usually when I identify one of my plans as insane, I try to ditch it. Usually. But, you know, gotta balance your range. Thinking of just doing as I have been and doing whatever lifts feel comfortable that day, and pretty lightly. I'm already really flexible throughout my spine (I'm like an owl in the twisting poses), so if anything I'd just try to take things a bit easier than usual in yoga.

I get your thought process here, and don't disagree with what informs it, but remember denial is also a factor in self-assessment. I would like to gently vote for erring on the side of caution, whatever that looks like.

1/23

Sustain whatever feels easy

HBB Squats 8x135, 8x185, 8x225, 3x8x255 @7s
Overhead Press 8x95, 8x135, 8x145, 165, 3x8x145 @8, 8, 8.5
Paused 1 & 1/2 Pullups 6xbw, 3x5xbw
GHRs 3x8


Saw the doctor and got some steroids & muscle relaxers for the pinched nerve in my neck. Going to hope they work and I don't have to consult a neurosurgeon next week and/or need PT. Discussed lifting and yoga during this and thinks it's fine so long as I stay away from specific movements that hurt and keep the weights somewhat light. Conversation went OK except I forgot "RPE" wouldn't just be an unknown term but one with an entirely different meaning to a doctor. Just generally play it safe and do *something* to stave off the prolonged layoff losses. Punting the "valsava stars" issue, and luckily with weights this light it's not much of an issue.

Squats were fine until a very slight twinging at 255.
OHP was fine
NG Chins & chinups felt painful
Pullups felt fine but didn't want to push it or add weight
Bench press was a hard no; it's the neck contact
Dips also a no

1/27

Sustain and/or maybe Smolov Jr. OHP

Overhead Press 6x95, 6x135, 165, 170, 6x95, 6x6x135
HBB Squats 6x135, 6x185, 4x225, 4x6x245
Paused Pullups 6xbw, 4x6x+22.5, 6xbw


No feel for RPE whatsoever today. Last rep of the last OHP set may have been 8.5 but by then I was down to 1 minute "rests" that consisted of squats or pullups. 50 minutes total. Toying with the idea of Smoloving OHP since it's the only press I can do normally ATM. Will be quick to back out of it though, so we'll see.

Still with the tingling and occasional pain, maybe a bit better but still there. Supposed to call "neurosurgeon"/spine man if it hasn't gone away this week.

Coincidentally, this week meeting with the wife's neurosurgeon and neuro-oncologist right after getting a new MRI to discuss some recent symptom changes I've been worried about. She's been "off" in practically everything (speaking, hearing, walking coordination, night sweats, bitchiness, etc.) for three weeks now and has started to get headaches which, shockingly, is very unusual. This sort of thing happens from time to time (other than the headaches) but usually just lasts a day or three except when it's the first hint of an infection or getting sick or something. No sign of anything like that. It has seemed to be lessening, but not enough and everything is still noticeable. Could be nothing. Could be lots of things short of "the brain tumor is growing again". No guaranties though.

Anyway, logically I'm pretty sure I should tell her about the appointment and/or my reason for getting it sometime before we arrive there, but "when" is a little more complicated, heh heh.

Oh yeah, forgot about ^^^. Funny story; the brain tumor is growing again. I'm...feeling better from the low of having the news broken, now researching options and preparing. Was able to drag myself to the gym today. There's been a lot of pie and cookies involved in mourning the loss of our relatively stable lives. Precisely 1 belt loop worth (so far). Would probably be two but for the CBD oil.

Overhead Press 7x5x145
HBB Squats 5x5x265
Paused 1 & 1/2 Pullups to failure 5x

Pinched nerve still there. Less pain but numbness in left pinky continues. Not a priority ATM. Tried out my new 1" heels today. Liked them a lot.

2/3

Overhead Press 8x4x155

Surprisingly hard.

Reading up on treatment options for recurrent deep brain tumors. Some progress since I last checked 3 & 1/2 years ago, but generally everything still sucks. Not much comforting to be had.

2/10

Overhead Press 10x3x165
Pullups 5, 5x+25, 4x4x+50


Not just being lazy--sleep's been pretty bad and minimal most of this week. Wife's on steroids and while it's nice to see her bouncing back from the symptoms (and implies more of an ongoing reaction rather than "permanent impairments") it is also pretty much meaning she can't get to sleep at all. Even though last night was the worst of the bunch, she was so off this morning I just had to go get a pump. Headed towards a decision within the next couple of days; just probably need to hear out a couple more apocalyptic options to decide where to put them on the list.

OHP harder than it should be, all felt sorta like RPE 9 but mostly didn't get harder despite ~2:00 rests. Not sure what that means. Who gives a ****?

Still have the pinched nerve with the left hand numbness although today was the first without pain and actual tingling. Think squats *may* set it off so backing off for the time being.

6/9 -- 250 lbs, bodyfat; No man can say!

Begin again. Starting Strength

OHP 3x5x125
HBB Squat 3x5x225
Pullups 4x3

Gotta start somewhere, but if I was trying to get back in lifting shape I sure as hell wouldn't start from here.

I'm up 3 belt loops and can barely fit my belt on. Actually down from 255 last week as I have been restricting calories and getting in some cardio and yoga. Still some occasional mild disc tweaks like arm sub-tingles and "feels like" upper back pains. Hoping they fade under use.