No sugar water

Spoke too soon.....I did have sugar water yesterday and today
When I run out of diet sodas I drink code3's Dr Pepper. The only solution is to ween myself off of sodas again and just do black coffee in the mornings. The root of me drinking so much soda was just poor time management and erratic sleeping. Since I haven't been swinging as much, my sleep schedule has stabilized and I don't need caffeine as much.
For years I've been rushing in the mornings leaving no time to make breakfast or coffee and just grabbing sodas +fast food while stressing my daughter and myself out by rushing around.
In Dallas my plan is to semi keep my early waking schedule; get up and have an hour to do some yoga, sit outside and drink coffee, make breakfast,maybe continue to listen to podcasts, and help my daughter with her hair.

197.2 this morning and holding steady below 200.

Cant you just keep enough diet soda in the house? I was gonna make a joke earlier about how it was probably code’s fault somehow but you are kinda going that route. These are avoidable problems.

That involves putting a bra on and going to the store...ugh.
After sitting at home alone all day I finally went to the store and got some and Jalapeno Tree fajitas. Jeez that's an insane amount of food. I was eating all of it multiple times a week at one point.

When my new swim suit comes in I'm going to take some sub 200 progress pics. I just had a couple before and want something other than my extreme obesity pics to compare to when I hit 150.

My legs are looking a lot better and there isn't too much cellulite. My booty has flattened a lot, but I'll fix that with squats after the move. It's looking like I'll need skin surgery on my arms and stomach, but not legs or butt.

Mon 5/10 log:

Went on a bike ride yesterday. The first time in a couple of months getting my heart rate up doing anything other than walking.
The seat doesn't hurt as bad now that I'm not so fat. I'm looking forward to more outdoor activities with my daughter and code3 as I lose more weight. Code3 and I are going to do flag football when a league opens up and we will all be able to ride bikes on trails after the move.

I'm definitely swinging and having a lot of obsessive thoughts the last few nights without a lot of sleep. I'm really really scared of moving and I'm getting more anxious by the hour.

The past year has been great with code3 here and feels like we have a little family, but when we get to Dallas all that is going to change. I feel like I'm going to be miserable again and repeating the same mistakes. I could be okay with only seeing him Fri and Sat nights when we lived so far apart and if I ever didn't like it I didn't feel trapped, but I don't know if I can handle it while living together. He will be gone most nights of the week, with his ex sis in law one night, going out with his brother and gf another night, with his sister another night, his weekly trip to his mom's, and then foot ball all day Sundays when that starts back up. It's going to end up being Fri and Sat nights, me being a pseudo girlfriend with the expectation of me being okay with that and living like roommates again.
I've already lived through it and I know I'm not okay with it. I took a job I didn't want out of desperation and moved to get away from the situation. Now I've taken a job under terrible incoming circumstances with this boss out of necessity.
I was ****ing miserable with work for almost 4 years and said I would never be in a situation like that again. While I'm working with the best group of guys now and am loving my job, the operations manager here doesn't think I'll like the people or culture in Dallas. My boss is of course awful to deal with....I go between feeling sorry for him and wanting to throw a wrench at him.

I feel like nothing is what I want or my choice and Im scared I'm about to repeat the awful past. If the living situation and relationship with code3 devolves into the way it used to be, which I think there is a high probability, I have no say so. What I want or how I feel wont matter and I'll be left trying move again and get away so I can have some sense of control and not feel trapped being miserable again.

Here he has been helping me take my daughter to school because of my long drive, went to a her basketball games, we ate dinner together every night. It was like having an actual nice, normal family life for a year. When we get to Dallas though, his real family is there and will no longer be "family" anymore, just the people he lives with. All the routines and time together we had here will be thrown out the window and he will revert back to his routines from before. To his family he will act like we aren't in a relationship and portray the relationship as a situation where it's just a convince for him and way he can save money. A few months back his brother asked him to pet sit for him for a week...like leave us and go stay there to pet sit for an entire week like he isn't in a relationship living with his girlfriend and daughter at all. I asked him if he would ask his brother to help unload the truck and he said no. It's going to be me and codes unloading a full moving truck because he doesn't want to give anyone the impression he is in a relationship with me......after 8year.

Stopped reading right here because I knew exactly what the rest of the post would be.

You signed up for this, MLYLT.

Yep, I was living in lala land with how great everything was going and wasn't considering how it's not going to be like this once we are in Dallas.
I probably should have went ahead and took the local job and stayed put. Hopefully that's still a backup if things go south quickly after the move and I could just come back.

My throat has been tightening up so bad the last couple of days that it's hard to breath. I feel like I'm having panic attacks.
I'm going to work on calming myself down and giving myself some reassurances that I won't be trapped.
If things are bad at work or I start feeling the same way with code3 as before I have to immediately start looking for a change and get out of the situation instead of letting it linger and letting myself spiral down so far like last time. I can always go work at a warehouse or Target and afford to live and I could always go live with my sister and not be trapped in Dallas.

Mon 5/11 and Tues 5/12 logs:
A lot of sugar and fast food. I need to get to the grocery store tonight for protein shakes and lean cuisines. I've been zonked out after I get home from the driving and no sleep. Took a sleeping pill last night and laid down at 9:30 to try to get more rest.

Working on calming my mind to just focusing on one day at a time instead of a bunch of hypothetical situations that may not happen.

.

197.5 avg this week.
Relaxing bike ride yesterday.
In one more week I'm going to start a gym/lifting routine.

If that store is Walmart, you don't need to worry about a bra... or shoes.

I'm feeling a lot of feels tonight. Tomorrow will be the last day here and kinda the last day at my current work location.
I think I'm going to miss the work location more than anything and not really miss where I'm living at all. It may sound silly, but friendships have been made in the last couple of months. A few of the guys I've worked with have opened up about a lot of their personal stuff to me and I feel really connected to them. Not only that, they really respect me, they respect anything I have to say on how to do things and really listen to me. I've made some friends with the women at the location as well. It's been great. The CEO is also an awesome guy. I'll see how it goes in Dallas and work on showing more compassion to this new boss and improving myself.

Another local company reached out to me yesterday, the one that offered a night shift supervisor job instead of the engineering position I interviewed for, and wanted to know if I was still interested in the engineering position. It gave me pause and made me question if I had really made the right decision to move, but I'm feeling good about the move now. I'm feeling hopeful that everything works out and getting excited again for the change; gonna go into it with an open mind and not have any preconceived notions that everything will go to hell with code3. I'm working hard on getting my mind healed so everything else I want can fall into place.

23,307 steps yesterday, that has to be a one day record for me.
This was the toughest move yet....the 7th time code3 and I have packed and moved jeeze. I wanted to get help and hire movers this time and he wouldn't let me. He kept his word and did load the truck himself Friday night after I moved everything to the garage. He had been sick all week and his muscles started locking up yesterday, I kept the peace and didn't say any "I told you so's". He is 40 now and you men have no sense of how old you are until it smacks you in the face, he also wasn't ready to let go of that satisfaction of getting a truck perfectly packed lol.
I had to get the last really really heavy stuff and I think I fractured my forearm when the washer fell on it. If it hurts this bad in a couple of days I'll go get an x-ray. After not lifting weights for quit a while I have still amazing retained some strength; looking forward to get back to the gym and see how that goes.

Weight today....my scale may need more batteries.

I decided to sign up for hello fresh and have meal kits+recipes delivered. The plan is to make dinner every night and eat the leftovers for lunches while learning to cook a few different recipes.I think paying for the service will force me to learn to cook and eat healthy meals.

I'm traveling next week, but hopefully can start a gym routine soon. This past week of moving and getting settled has been crazy. We have driven back to my old house several times looking for my cat that ran off while we were loading the truck and haven't had a chance to relax and unpack. My sis and three kids also wanted to stay with us in Dallas for memorial day weekend....it's been fun, but I'm completely exhausted.

Probably a good idea if you don't mind overpaying a little for your food. Easier to plan your calories and keep yourself accountable

Yeah.
It's pricier than the grocery store, but with the meals being preplanned/selected there is nothing I have to think about and don't have to make it to the grocery store. I think I'm more likely to adhere to cooking at home since the money will already be spent and there will always be something to cook instead of hitting up fast food when I run out of groceries.

My worst fears are already happening. Been here two weeks and code3 is already ditching me 3 nights a week and before long it will be 5-6nights again.
I don't like my job, office environment, and of course my boss here either.
This time I'm cutting it off fast before I start spiraling down again. Gonna tell code3 to find a place for July and just separate before more damage is done to my mental health and I'm going to be applying for other jobs like crazy.

Hopefully the lesson is finally learned and I'm not going to be putting myself in anymore bad situations with ****ing hope and openmindedness that it will turn out okay. I knew what would happen with this job with the glaring red flags and already had the experience with code3 before.

I'm exhausted today and very emotional, really wish I still had my therapist right now. Maybe I'll try one of those online ones. I'm gonna pop a sleeping pill and just sleep the rest of the night.

193.2lbs this morning

10hrs of sleep last night and hopefully more tonight. I had 5 days of no sleep in the month of May and feel myself swinging a lot lately. Next week should be the first week of normalization where I can start a new routine with no traveling, no packing, no working on a house or moving.....I'm so ready.

My first food box came. Each recipe is conveniently separated into individual bags, I think this is really going to be helpful to start cooking at home.

Did you find your cat?

Hello fresh is great. I haven’t had a bad meal yet. I wish they’d go a bit lighter on oil butter and sour cream and a little heavier on the proteins but it works.

You will weigh less than me soon! I think when you started here I was almost 150 lbs less than you! Crazy good work

After 6 trips back looking for him we did not find him . He was my last cat, the other two disappeared last year. I have my old neighbors looking out for them though.


Thanks PJ, that's crazy lol.
I made my first recipe tonight, it was pretty tasty.
Balsamic & Fig Beef Tenderloin

One more lb and you will weigh less than I do right now. The prepped meals seem like a good idea to mitigate the stuff you struggle with

I think you may need to consider retiring from the whole having cats thing.