Still attending Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meetings. Also going to Al-anon. And sometimes AA. Even though I don't drink and never had a problem drinking. I'm an addict in every way that matters. You could think of me as a dry drunk.
Many people at ACA never had a substance problem, nor did their families. The attendants come from alcoholic and/or dysfunctional families. I sometimes think of it as Dry Drunks Anonymous. Even if a person quit drinking, they can still function like an addict. A dry drunk.
And just the same way, someone can be so dysfunctional that even if they never had a substance abuse problem, they behave like an addict. We can be addicted to other things. Crisis. Anxiety. Abuse. Anger. Perfection. Internet trolling. Sex. Approval.
I was/am a workaholic and perfectionist. Among other things.
The twelve steps are helping. I recently finished them. The making amends step was particularly hard but helpful.
I read from
this website every morning. I especially enjoy the section from Walk in Dry Places.
Here are some readings that spoke powerfully to me.
Quote:
Some of us waste time brooding over past failures and lost opportunities. Since the past is beyond our reach, we can't change anything that happened. We do, however, have the power to change the way we view the present. We can begin by realizing that our past troubles really may have been valuable lessons.
We can also get a better perspective by releasing the idea that anything from the past controls our future.
Quote:
There will be times when other people will disappoint us.. either intentionally or because of indifference or incompetence. If we have been counting on them, their nonperformance can cause us real anger and frustration.
Our growth, however, should teach us that such failures are part of life. While never losing trust in others, we must accept them as fallible people. Their mistakes and lapses come from the human shortcomings all of us have.
Our best course is to live without expecting too much from others. They are not here to please or satisfy us. It's possible, too, that we've been unrealistic in some of our expectations and have set ourselves up for disappointments.
Our personal responsibility is to do our best even when others fall short of our expectations. At the same time, we can grow by becoming more reliable and dependable ourselves.
We cannot use another's failure as an excuse for negligence on our part.
Today I'll expect the best, but I will know that I also have the spiritual resources to deal with the worst that can happen.
Quote:
"Stick with the winners," newcomers are told at Twelve Step meetings. The real message of this statement is to share the attitudes and actions of people who are successful in living sober.
No recovering person can have a successful day while dwelling on ideas that can be harmful. We'll meet people in the course of the day whose attitudes may appall us. We may work with people who are critical, gossipy, or resentful. It's not our duty to correct them or argue with them. We're wise, however, not to accept what we recognize as wrong thinking.
Winners, in AA terms, are people who seek sobriety first and live up to the principles of the program. Seem them out for help in doing likewise.
Quote:
Again and again we hear that bad thinking and drinking are linked together. Bad thinking is any line of thought that tends to be destructive. Mental arguments are in that class because they destroy peace of mind and self-control. We can avoid them by learning acceptance and maintaining serenity at all costs.
Sometimes we engage in mental arguments with those who seem to have defeated us or put us down. This only gives more life to the hurt we have been feeling: in effect, we cooperate in hurting ourselves repeatedly. Even the satisfaction of letting ourselves "win" the mental argument doesn't really settle the matter.
We can maintain our serenity in all situations by accepting people as they are. We are not responsible for changing their opinions. We must also accept and dismiss past mistakes and failures, no matter who was at fault. We owe it to ourselves not to destroy another moment's happiness with futile mental arguments that serve no good purpose in our lives.
Once we dismiss mental arguments, we can give our time and attention to things that really matter.
I will not waste a single second on any kid of mental argument. Anything another person said or did is forgiven and forgotten, and it has no power to hurt me a second time.