Twisted my ankle leaping down stairs to take out trash this morn. Felt slightly sore but nbd. Decided to go in and stay wary.

W2d3

LBBS
X1
365
X6
280, 300, 320

Thought of going 340 for a PR. But ankle was starting to hurt and swell up so called it.

Slingshot
X5
265, 285, 305
275xAMRAP=10

Wanted to smash x11 for a PR but man that gets hard fast twss

Should have done weighted chins but got into chats with a lifting couple, then the gym owner. Cool talk about natty potential, Oly lifters vs xfitters (lol was the obv conclusion), steroids, HBBS vs LBBS (again, lol was the obv conclusion). Nice, that's nice. PL gym orders of magnitude better than a globo gym.

, but don't worry I'm still miles away from your press numbers.

Could we have an epic battle brewing in the 83kg division between a former Golden and a potential future Golden? I certainly hope so.

Popcorn.jpeg

No chance. Ankle continuing to swell. Bit of pain. Floor beer and new season of Black Mirror are helping me face potential amputation

Hooray! My ankle feels much better. Still a bit of swelling and tenderness in extreme flexion. And today a weird tenderness in my tailbone. I know what you're going to say, and the truth is I was asleep, how would I know?

I considered not squatting at all until Friday, but Monte encouraged me to risk reinjury by working through it and realizing I was just being a crybaby.

W3d1
Lots and lots of benching. Letting ankle heal.

W3d2
OHP paused on chest
X3
155 , 145, 145, 145

LBBS
X3
315, 340, 355, 335, 335

Lots of pull ups.

Feeling good. WIM. Working my way through the making amends process. Good program.

GGO #1
Guy was squatting 455x5. Finished two sets. Then failed the third. He dropped it to the pins, then went on each side to take off plates. I thought okay, normal, he will strip it to 135 or the bar, put it back in the rack, and start over.

NOPE. He stripped it to 365 and then front squatted it into the racks.

GGO #2
Girl at this PL gym squatted an impeccable 215x5, then 225x2. Then she was benching 145x5 and it looked excellent. Several of us complimented her lift. Her boyfriend said, "Don't let her fool you, she's on A LOT of steroids." Whole gym cracked up.

Those are good stories, like the sounds of that gym

Sounds like a cool place

W4D1

OHP paused
X3
155, 145

LBBS
X5
330, 315

Comp bench
X5
255, 245

W4d2

OHP
Messing around. Lots at 135. OHP form sucks but I'm working it out.

DL
X5
365 @6?

Easy but being careful. DL blows out my CNS. Middish RPE intentional.

CGBP
X6
225, 245 (x4)

Super fast and spotter was wtf but I know how cgbp goes, and I could feel that my triceps were going to fry. Crazy the variance in ohp and cgbp.

Lots and lots of pull ups.

Serenity prayer has been helpful.

W10D2
OHP paused
x5
up to 150, drop sets 140

DL
x2
405, 435 (x1, didn't even try for second), drop sets 405

Would have liked to hit that double, but it was hard AF. Still, not bad for only recently deadlifting again. And 435 is only 15lbs away from a 1 rep PR.

CGBP
x3
265, 265, 265

Wide grip pull ups galore FULL ROM

Still attending Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meetings. Also going to Al-anon. And sometimes AA. Even though I don't drink and never had a problem drinking. I'm an addict in every way that matters. You could think of me as a dry drunk.

Many people at ACA never had a substance problem, nor did their families. The attendants come from alcoholic and/or dysfunctional families. I sometimes think of it as Dry Drunks Anonymous. Even if a person quit drinking, they can still function like an addict. A dry drunk.

And just the same way, someone can be so dysfunctional that even if they never had a substance abuse problem, they behave like an addict. We can be addicted to other things. Crisis. Anxiety. Abuse. Anger. Perfection. Internet trolling. Sex. Approval.

I was/am a workaholic and perfectionist. Among other things.

The twelve steps are helping. I recently finished them. The making amends step was particularly hard but helpful.

I read from this website every morning. I especially enjoy the section from Walk in Dry Places.

Here are some readings that spoke powerfully to me.

That's good stuff man. I've been sober and doing AA for a little over 3 years, and have found it super helpful. I'm glad you're finding help too. While I very much did have a problem with alcohol, I can certainly understand the idea of being a dry drunk, and have found myself at or near such a state when I'm not working my program. Have read 'Walk in Dry Places as Well' for most of 2016, and liked it. Anyway, congrats on finishing your amends at the steps, that's a big achievement

TY UDC. Congrats to you on your sobriety.

I like to think of my own as emotional sobriety. I can easily start down a familiar path of anxiety and anger. I reach for them like an alcoholic reaching for a drink. And just like an alcoholic, it might feel like I can indulge. But it always quickly spirals out of control. Anxiety? Quickly turns to despair. Hopelessness. And suddenly I am thinking of suicide again.

But now I stop myself and say no, I don't do that anymore. I can be sad without being dysfunctional. I can be angry without being abusive. I can be happy without being manic. Etc.

It is very helpful for me to turn to the twelve steps. I get scared. Angry. Whatever. And I sometimes start off desperate to change the people affecting me. But then I just go through the twelve steps and am reminded LOL. There is no part of the twelve steps that asks you to consider how to change the other person. That is beyond our power.

I focus on cleaning up my own mess. Improving myself. And where it concerns others, on empathy and compassion.

Lately, I am terrified of being abused again by a couple of people in particular. I won't get into why, but while I am making preparations to disconnect from these people, I have not done so yet. Only created loving detachment and distance.

My sponsor said when I'm caught up in it, I sound like a kid hiding in the corner, knowing nothing I do will prevent me from being hit again. I just want to be invisible so I can be safe. That often is what I ultimately want from thoughts of suicide. Just to be safe, even if that means being dead.

My sponsor recommended I do a few things.

1) Write a letter to the original perpetrators. Not the people in my life currently. But the people who originally abused me. My father. My mother. My step-mother. The abusers currently in my life trigger those experiences I never resolved. I won't share the letters with them. I'm writing them for me. (Mom has passed. Dad has dementia. And LOL at ever speaking to step-mom again.)

2) Imagine my adult self sitting with my child self. Be the loving parent for myself I never had.

3) Any time I start to feel hopeless, write a list of things I'm grateful for. It's very easy for something small (or big) to happen and then I forget about all of the good things. One mistake, one bad person, one painful experience doesn't erase a good life. Or the opportunity to make a good life. I need to be better about reminding myself of that.

Oh and 4) write an amends letter to myself. I need to forgive myself. I feel immense shame at not taking better care of myself. For not standing up to my abusers. For not protecting myself. For running away from my family as soon as I was old enough, only to seek out abusers all over again for my most intimate relationships. For, in every meaningful way, being an abuser toward myself.

And yet I haven't received an apology for you programming pause squats after heavy deadlifts. Huh.

Congrats on all your progress, keep at it.

Crunchy,

Technically, he wasn't the one that programmed it, though.

I'm on the fence as to whether paused or volume squats are worse after deadlifts. Both suck for different reasons.

FB glad you're doing better.

No idea how any of you guys can do anything after deadlifts...

BPA,

We're much weaker than you.

Crunchy,

I'll put you on the list. Fair warning, it's long and in order of priority. Like the programming. Garbage men and neglected puppies at the top. Crunchys WIL at the bottom.

Great posts, I've saved them to reread.

Agreed, excellent posts. Really gave me a lot to think about. Perfect timing also. Thanks very much for sharing.

You're very welcome. The 12th step calls on us to give back to others as a way of continuing our recovery. I'm happy to answer questions, talk about any of this, or just listen if you need.

Busto,
Thanks for posting those snippets, they speak to me as well.
It's inspiring to see that you are changing you habits/thought processes in regards to anxiety and depression. I'm going to look into these 12 steps and see what it's about.

Sent from my XT1650 using Tapatalk

I don't get it at all fakeb but I read and try too. I am still on #Teamfakebusto. We should do a roadtrip someday bro. I am hitting up kilamanjoro this summer with a couple of college buddies.