Lots of mind altering drugs can trigger mental illness. You may be old enough that this is low risk. But a lot of the advice espoused above could hospitalize you and given your touchy mental health is something I'd caution.

Agree with Mihkel 100%.

FWIW, I have a guy who works for me that is also a friend who has received EMDR and speaks highly of it. I also read a little bit about it and from what I read it was effective.

I dont know if this will be helpful or not. But, when you are feeling the way you described in your spoiler, can you run a sanity check on it? Is there a "real" "definable" reason you are feeling that way or is it just the malfunctioning brain?

Would it not then be helpful to be able to say yes it's real and here's how...and then be able to do something about it or equally be able to say, no, it's not real and employ some detachment or try and do something that will help reduce those particular "not real" feelings or even just your reaction to them?

Agree about being careful about the risk and consequences of drugs. MDMA has been shown to have effective therapeutic benefits for people suffering from PTSD. The side effects though are a moderate to extreme drop in serotonin post use, and that's potentially disastrous. For me, the side effect was hypothetically extreme and not worth it, though such things are hypothetically awesome.

Not sure about LSD.

THC an entirely different topic.

Second EMDR session tomorrow. First was a mess. Therapist was concerned about me because I barely responded. Hope it goes well...

Taking meds every day now. Still lowest dose. I had moved to taking it every other day because when I started on it every day, it created almost complete sexual dysfunction. Which makes sense, it functions like an amphetamine. But it was the nut low (heh). It did nothing to curb my libido, which as a red blooded male with mountains of testosterone puts me in a position that makes Evo look like Syndr0m.

I take it every day now in the afternoon, and that seems to be the timing that allows me to take it daily without any of *those* side effects. Total dysfunction happens hours and hours after I take the pill, and by that time I'm asleep. Though I also have to be careful not to take it too close to bedtime, because it makes my heart race for the first few hours like crazy. Not exactly pleasant.

Thanks for the kind wishes ITT and for the PMs. Not out of the woods yet. Maybe one day.

Hey,

This is all good advice and thank you.

I shared this with MLYLT and I have been using it for myself.



It is helpful. If I fall into a hole, I talk to myself like this.

"Your brain is lying to you. What do you know to be the truth?"

And sometimes that helps.

But it isn't always that simple. Sometimes I feel my brain is lying and I have no reason to feel that way, but it is in itself overwhelming to then feel such a way with seemingly no escape. At least if it was situational, it would be empowering to say **** it, engage life changes.

But then other times, I think well, maybe things really do suck and this is always the way it will be. I think, "Well, maybe my brain is lying to me...but is it lying about everything?"

And other times, I think that the stuff I would say sucks isn't really *that* bad. I am actually very fortunate and privileged. But that can lead to a new cycle of self-loathing where I feel I'm a terrible person for not better appreciating my life and feeling satisfied...and so it continues... I remember when my first book hit the USA Today bestseller list, I told myself wow, I know I should feel happy, but instead I feel like this...

Hey so lifting does still happen ITT from time to time...

Cycle 2
W5D2
LBBS paused
X2
225, 255, 285

LBBS
x7
225, 255, 285, 285, 285

Larsen close grip
x5
185, 205, 225
AMRAP
x17 (PR)

Had more but that's a +3 PR so was fine cutting it.

Sick work as usual.

Talk a little bit about the Larsen press and what portions of the lift you feel like it helps you with? And the philosophy behind doing so many AMRAP sets at the end?

I just prefer Larsen. I have always had better form with it for some reason. But the main reason is that I had an adductor strain a while ago and switched to Larsen as primary to aid lower body recovery. I started hitting PRs so just stuck with it through now with the goal to hit Larsen 315x1 and then go back to using leg drive.

Now having said that, I highly recommend Larsen as a secondary lift because it requires you to dial in your upper body form, and it can make you far more aware of when you are properly using leg drive because you experience what benching is like when leg drive is completely removed.

When I first started doing Larsen press, the numbers were almost identical to my normal bench with leg drive, so that was a cue that I needed to take a hard look at my leg drive form.

AMRAPS are purely ego lifting.

AMRAP is THE LIFTING.

I have limited knowledge on the subject of these drugs, but maybe this is helpful info on LSD (I've never taken it, but I took a college class on drugs many years ago and I babysat some friends who took some once):
1. flashbacks happen
2. What you think is LSD might not be LSD. It might be something worse, like angel dust. The consequences of that trip for my buddies were ugly.

Hit Larsen red slingshot 325x3 last session. Nice PR. Now time to bring leg drive back. Larsen at this time stronger than with feet on the ground so lolfakeb all around.

No WIM. Tired a lot and ready to quit. Still feel tired and defeated even when nice things happen to good people.

Second EMDR session in the bank. Fine. Third session incoming.

Restarted cycle today.

Cycle 3
W1D1

LBBS
x5
255, 275, 295, 315, 330

Maybe @7 or 8 but no WIM. Last W1D1 top set was 315 or something so this is fine.

x10
225, 225

Comp bench
x5
230, 245, 260

Same. Easy. Just putting in work.

3ct bench
x2
225, 240, 255, 270, 275, 275, 275

TNG bench
x10
225, 225

Cycle 3
W1D2

1 mile on elliptical. 6 minutes. Level 9. BPM 150.

LBBS
x1
up to 330
x8
250, 275, 300

Super fast and strong. Focusing on hip drive. Hips up, not hips forward. Made a huge difference.

Was planning on going for a PR at 325x8 but I was dying inside by the end of the 300 set. Something off about my heartrate. Even when I was resting between sets, my heart was hammering fast.

Close grip bench
x1
225, 255, 285, 300f

LOL. 285 was at most @7. But CG is forever my downfall. Super easy until my triceps suddenly nope.

x8
185, 205, 225

Power off my chest is greatest with CG. It feels a lot like they spring off my lats, but science says that's not possible, so I will just admit my sense of what's happening is wrong.

Going to a seafood restaurant. Hopefully they have hamburgers or chicken nuggets.

Cycle 3
W1d3

LBBS
X1
Up to 345 (paused)
X7
255, 280, 305, 330 (PR)

TNG bench
X1
Up to 285
X10
195, 210, 225

Feel pretty good today. A few pieces of good news.

Good news is good news! Congrats on the PR as well.

TY

Cycle 3
W2D1

Felt amazing on the bike ride in. There are three levels of gears with seven gears on each level. So essentially 1-21 gears. Normally I am gear 17. But today it was gear 21 all the way. Which may have had something to do with squats later. Use up your WIM on the way, what's left for later...

LBBS
x1
Up to 315
x4
280, 300, 320, 340, 315

Thought for sure I was going to 360 since last cycle's W2D1 was 355x4 and I felt so good going in, but 340 felt heavy enough. Also taking into account I hit a +10lb PR on Tuesday.

Comp bench
x1
up to 295
x4
235, 250, 265, 255, 255

Wanted to go 280 but was tired and hungry by this point.

Still figuring out feet on the ground again. Did some Larsen afterward and lol at that feeling stronger.

In a weird spot. I was in a position to help someone fulfill a lifelong ambition. I knew it was just a matter of me putting in the time behind the scenes for them so spent the last six months working on making it happen. I kind of decided I couldn't let myself go until I did this thing for this person. A bucket ls a bucket list. Now it's done. Really happy for this person.

So good news and I don't know news. Maybe the next step is to make a growing list of small and big things to accomplish in service to other people. Some won't work out. Some will. Keep adding to it.

I feel like my legs up bench is getting pretty close to my normal bench too. Doesn't this mean that it's time to stop doing so much legs-up bench?

Happy to hear that your friend has accomplished whatever they were trying to accomplish, but I hope you don't begin to start "letting yourself go." If you feel like your life has the most value while working to help others, it seems strange that now you think there is nowhere to go after completing something that took a mere half-year of effort.

I don't know if what I wrote made any sense, but neither does this:


Sounds like something written by Gertrude Stein. I don't know if you know, but even after crossing off all the items of his bucket list, a man doesn't need to immediately expire.

Agree with JC. Love the GS reference.

"Maybe the next step is to make a growing list of small and big things that bring me value and make me feel good and whole and then prioritize experiencing them." imo...

There is something wrong with my brain. The question of finding something that bring me value and make me feel good kind of misses the point of whether such things lead to those feelings. Do those feelings make life now worth living? Do they diminish feelings of despair and futility? I find myself thinking I just want the feeling of despair and suffering regardless of circumstances to be over. I am still trying therapy and medication and meditation. When I think of a plan where I'm ready to just go, I am also concerned about the immense suffering my departure would cause to a few close to me. Everyone and everything else would eventually recover and take care of itself.

I'm not sure how to explain it. It seems to me it is hard to relate to unless you've experienced it. I think for most people, they think of a period where they felt like this for a temporary period and fighting through it until times were better made all the difference. It is beyond their comprehension of a period like this that goes on, and on, and on.

Okay, enough of that. Thank you to anyone who tries to help or be supportive or doesn't say anything but is rooting for me or anything else you do.

I had Indian food. That was a great pleasure. I normally eat food for fuel. Taste and pleasure are secondary or not even important. But this time I appreciated that the food itself was delicious.

I was offered a new opportunity with a local non-profit. They want me to handle their social media. I said okay, but you know me. I'm worried I'll say something stupid. They said nah, you'll work with this person. We need your skills. K. So I will contribute to the cause and hopefully help some people.

Cycle 3
W2d2

HBBS
X5
Up to 225

Paused LBBS
X1
Up to 315
X4
Up to 315
X1
Up to 355

335x4 and 375x1 there for PRs, but decided lol I should stop blowing out my CNS mid cycle

Then played around with OHP. Gonna bring that back in on D2 for low hanging fruit

Have you always felt like this? I assumed you've had extended periods free or relatively free of wanting to give up.

When I struggle it is never as bad as it was in the past and never lasts too long. But it still is weird that my brain randomly hijacks myself or gets stuck seemingly randomly as there is usually stress happening but nothing extraordinary.

Since I was 13 or so.

Not sure what to say except we're rooting for you.

Beastly lifting as usual.

I'd just embrace it. Just remember its a really dick move to make everyone all qq so you gotta play out the string.

Maybe becoming an antinatalism advocate would be something you'd find meaning in.

Monte,

Ty. I don't know what to say either and I feel like a dummy saying anything, because I can only imagine the position it puts anyone in who cares. What do you even say?

I am grappling with the question of whether to do this.

...what?

Never heard of this. Time for some reading.

13? Geez, that is really rough. +1 to rooting for you.

Mihkel ment taking your life is a dick move.

I'm confused, are you suffering from psychological pain because of worrying and/or resisting from the things that are happening (happened) in and around your life, or are you k with everything while and still experiencing very lifedraining emotions? Do you think you really and truly fully accept everything negative that has ever happened in your life? Or are there still some sort of repressed things in your system that you have trouble dealing with?

I have no experience with what you are talking about, but true acceptance is a big thing.