wat? bro, when she says, ''what are you, my boss?'' she is trying to deflect and reframe. she did not say, 'that guy keeps calling!' she instead said the equivalent of, 'none of your business, bitch'. there are two common reasons why the latter is chosen over the former and neither of them is good news for you.

fwiw, you should have said, 'it's cute that you think you can use lines like that on me. but seriously, who was it?' if she waffled you should have acted bored, told her you dont have time for BS, and that oops, you made plans, she has to leave. you cannot let your gf establish boundaries like this early in a relationship. it is very hard to regain 'hand' without looking 'incongruent' with who she thinks you are.

frankly, my advice is to not get serious w/this girl.

uhm, obv you want to confront her because that is the most natural impulse in the world. dont lie to yourself. you didnt do it because you were afraid of the consequences. dont be. you deserve total honesty from any girl you are going to waste months or possibly even years on.

Le Alexandre

Do you think she is still having sex with him?

From the tone of your posts it seems that you don't think that is the case but I don't know if that is really an assumption I would make unless there is more information that you haven't given us. Also what kind of time frame are we talking here -- how long have you been exclusive?

I think an important question is "Do you ask who she was talking to?" We know the answer to a high degree of probability, and it prevents any negative sort of problems (Like exactly what is happening). Obv playing things super pro is l337 and awesome, but I frequently find myself asking questions because curiosity or booze or something gets ahold of me and they're pointless and the resulting conversation is just littered with negative skew. Like in the above, what is the best case scenario?

well, she knows he knows who called and she knows he doesnt like it. women dont respect that. it is 'unattractive'. bad precedent.

speaking less in terms of 'strategy' and more as a man to a man, he should stand up for himself. questions like, 'are you still banging this guy, or what? tell me now' have to be asked sometimes so you dont end up having a portion of your life wasted.

so i guess the best case scenario is that he saves himself some needless worry or his precious youth. i think both of those are more important than 'the vibe'.

If they've been dating for a few months, I think it's totally natural to want to know and to confront her about it-- you can do so without being accusing or abrasive, but if it's an issue and you don't confront it, it's only going to fester and put distance between the two of you.

This isn't "playing it cool" when you're trying to get a second date; it's a relationship. If you're committed to each other, you deserve to know what's going on with her and that dude. If she has something to become defensive about, it doesn't bode well for your future.

The problem with that is that it HAS to be the guy. If it isn't the guy, you end up looking like a total idiot. I dunno what the chances are in this case, but you have to be pretty certain.

As I said before I'm 95% sure that it was that guy. It's one of the few subjects that instantly changes how we act towards each other. A couple of days ago we somehow got into the subject of cheating and we both asked each other about it and from what I could tell her answer was sincere (no, ldo).
There's only so much I can do since if I try to force something out of her about that guy it just goes too far, imo. I might be a bit more up front and pushy the next time the subject comes up, as it surely will.. Instead of bringing it up by myself out of nowhere.. Thoughts?

I think VanVeen is correct in that women find insecurity REALLY unattractive but honestly this early in the relationship I'd rather have her say "I can't be with you" then living with false hopes for an extended period of time. It's just that I don't want to burn any bridges in case she wants to be with me. And yes she's a ltr prospect.

Henry17: No I don't think they're having sex with each other. I know that she kissed him when we were dating tho'. She said that she felt 'forced' to do it because she was on the phone with him, and she made plans with some friends (who were in the same room as her) and he invited himself to their thing.. But I dunno. It feels as tho' I'm trying to excuse her behavior in these posts (is her behavior even that bad?).

I'm 24 (born 86) and she's 22 (born 87). We've been a couple since early March. Dated late January and February.

Also:
Those two being? And this early in the relationship do you think it's right to expect that the girl says everything to you? I expect total honesty but I don't think she needs to tell me everything.

Just wanted to subscribe to this thread by saying VanVeen is my favorite poster on the internet.

That is the weakest excuse I can imagine. She's acting as though she has something to hide and calling her out over that is not the same thing as being insecure now that you are in a relationship. After the phone call she could have easily said to you, "that was Dave, he wanted to meet up but I told him I'm in a relationship," or words to that effect.

Asking is not really of much use -- people who cheat also lie so regardless of reality the answer will always be no unless she is looking for an excuse to end it anyway.

There might be some value in asking if you think you could get a read on her but I don't think you can which is not unusual as the vast majority of guys wouldn't be able to.

I would think about the situation -- come to my own conclusion -- make a decision.

henry i could be misremembering but didnt you say you had been cheated on once? what action did you take

You are misremembering. I've been the other guy a few times but never cheated on. That being said with something that is still measured in months I'd call it quits pretty quickly. Something measured in years maybe you try to repair it but anything under a year (even two years) just get out.

It's like you are taking this thought process too far, and are just worrying yourself to death with, "ZOMG I can't show any insecurity whatsoever."

You know it was the dude.

She knows you know it was the dude.

She knows you don't like it. If you were in the process of developing a relationship with this girl, there are valid reasons to not like it, unrelated to insecurity. Taking it like a bitch shows you to be less of a man than facing the issue, IMHO, since the issue IS already out there.

Well basically the idea with discussing it here (all kinds of discussion forums imo) is to analyze a subject from different viewpoints, get to a conclusion and then take it out in the 'real world' if one wants to do that.
What were doing here is basically a anonymous best friend talk imo.. No, I don't see you guys as my best friends (2+2ers are tied at 3rd place), just easy to be open since you don't know who I am. I might be the only one with that POV tho'.

Yeah... I was mistaken at thinking you could pretend it was something else. Its quite clear after repeated calls and her stepping out of the room.

^ Maybe if it's just a chick you are trying to bang, and you actually don't care?

I would like some advice please, guids, henry, from anyone but vanveen that pontificating monster.

I feel comfortable talking to new people and hitting on a girl. Like today in Panera Bread if there was a girl sitting at a table with a group of people, who I knew was a good girl for me, I would gladly open her up. I have met enough new people so this isn't a problem.

But first of all, I am at a point in my life where I am busy with personal things and don't want to put the energy into meeting people. Also, perhaps more importantly, I feel contempt towards most people. I would like to have sex with girls but am not sure how to get to that point while feeling contempt for them. Like I was at a couple parties recently and there were a handful of girls who liked me and wanted me to hit on them, but I feel like it is beneath myself to try pursuing a random girl if she opens me but then waits for me to pursue her. Also I know based on experience she probably won't be anything special.

At the party most people were jerks anyway. I don't know why I would want to go to a party and try meeting people, try smiling and making conversation and jokes with people who are just posturing, unconfident, unfriendly jerks.

Yet at the same time I am not so delusional. I know there must be girls around here that I would be very happy to be with.

The guy who thinks he is better than everyone else asking for advice with girls on the internet. Oh the irony

Why do you feel contempt toward most people?

Also elaborate on what you mean by contempt.

that i dislike people is one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. and here i am asking for help. in the last part of my post i talk about how my position is problematic, and it is possibly contradictory. yet your instinct is to gleefully gloat over my problem and NOT to help me out.

henry, fryke himself is a pretty good example of my problem. i think people do not have good will towards other people. that is certainly my biggest problem. and then on top of that stupidity, cowardice, and laziness become even more disgusting.

Is it possible that everyone just hates you and the way you act, and you write it off by saying you naturally feel an odd contempt for everyone else?

I'd seek a therapist or doctor to talk to about this. Maybe it's some form of social anxiety.

You say you dont want to go to a party where most people are jerks, most girls probably arent anything special or worthy of your time. You dont sound like someone who has goodwill towards other people.

You say it is the worst thing that has ever happened to you.. Does that mean some event caused this change?

In your previous post you dont really describe it as a negative thing, you just mention you have contempt for almost everyone. If you feel this way, I dont think an internet forum can help you, it is clearly a deeper problem.

Eh. I feel the same way (better than everyone else). I don't think most people are jerks, just noobs who have no desire to remedy their noobness. I meet enough people who I like though. I just try not to befriend people intimately who're kinda morons or losers. Just like you don't associate with social value anchors.

Yeah but there is a difference between believing that you are better than other people and deciding that other people are inherently bad and are not worth talking to.

A lot of people are lame, but that doesnt mean I stay in my room 24 hours a day so their lameness doesnt contaminate me.

sayid_the_saviour

Did people pick on you a lot in school?