Hey, I created this login just so I could ask this, so sorry guys!

I am about to turn 23. I've been dating a guy for about four years. We've been friends for significantly longer. I really care about him; he's a super nice guy. However, I never wanted to be in a serious relationship and wanted to keep things casual from the start. I don't know how it got to this point other than after 4 years people develop attachments. I STILL don't want to be serious. I believe I am much too young for this sort of relationship. But I do still really care about him, and I would be really happy with staying with him, if we could revert to a casual dating/hook up type relationship. Is this possible at this point? If so, how do I achieve this? I've told him how I feel, but he's really clingy, and after having told him, he's only escalated his possessive habits. He has gotten to the point where he has almost no other friends and he mopes around when I go out with mine. (I think it's important to maintain separate interests and friends.) He gets upset that I have other guy friends, and he resents the time I spend playing video games. (He's okay with poker, but hates when I play Xbox.) I really just don't know how to proceed while minimizing the amount of hurt he experiences, but I also don't want to end up really resenting him. Any advice?

I can't tell whether you're a guy or a girl, but my advice is probably the same.

Unless you're dating Henry, there's very little chance you can really revert to an old relationship, friends or FWBs. You know you have to break up, so focus on damage control, and don't have a whole breakup conversation. No explanation you give is going to really make him understand, so even though it's been 4 years it should take <10 minutes to break up. Get all of his stuff from your house, bring it over, give him the salient points of why you need to break up with him, get your stuff, and leave. And you should do it tonight.

You have to break up, now, today. The best you can hope for is ignoring his pain while he plays along with your version of how things should go until you break up later, or you just break up now. Either way it's going to happen so it might as well be soon.

As far as minimizing his pain, I'd lay 50:1 that he's already told himself a dozen times that he needs to get away from this situation but can't find the resolve to do it, so be strong for both of you and cut him loose.

So I've been regularly hooking up with this girl over the past 3 weeks (pretty much every weekend night, and 1 or 2 random weekdays). However it has gotten to the point where mutual friends of ours are taking notice and wondering just how serious we're getting. I like hanging out with this chick, but I absolutely do not want to be in an exclusive relationship with her (or anyone, for that matter). From things I've heard about her, I thought that she was in the same boat. However yesterday she started texting me small talk like "How was work?" etc. Does this probably mean that I'm starting to tread dangerous waters?

I'm torn between bringing this issue up to clarify things or just continuing what I have going unless she brings it up, at which point I can tell her that I'm not interested in having a gf. My #1 goal is to not make things awkward since even if I stop hooking up with this girl, I will probably run into her at alot of parties, etc. What do you do in my shoes? If you decide to talk to her about the status of our relationship, how would you initiate this conversation?

4 years? after 4 years of regular dating you have a relationship whether you like it or not. break up with him because its never reverting to casual.

Wow, thanks, guys. I guess I already knew that, but every time I've breached the subject he's gotten really sad. And he says he's having a quarter life crisis and is depressed, and I just don't want to make things worse. But yeah, I know you guys are right, but helped to read it. Thank you so much!

It sucks that he's going through quarter life crisis blahblahmewchew but why does any man who seems to be spiraling down into loserdom deserve to have you around? There's a point past which you'll only be hurting yourself because you don't want to rip the bandaid off fast.

sounds like he's a ton of fun. i can see why you have a hard time ending it.....

lolol quarterlife crisis. dump that baggage and move on.

i totally understand that situation though. it's not as easy as it is when you're on the outside and can be totally objective.

i've also been in the situation colombo is in. eventually the girl brought it up and i came clean and it ended pretty much right there. she was pretty mad at me for a while (and i suspect still is a bit, even though it's been a few years and we still hang out as friends), even though i did nothing "wrong" and was up front and honest the whole time.

Yeah, I really should have done this sooner, but I must say that the advice I've gotten IRL from my female friends differs drastically from what's been said on here. I don't like to hurt people's feelings, especially not when I actually care about them, but I agree with you guys and now I feel better about doing what needs to be done. Thanks again.

Unless the girl thinks like a guy I'd for the most part never listen to what a girl tells you advice wise when it comes to relationships.

She'll tell you some bull**** she thinks she believes to be right but isn't what she actually wants deep down.

Girls will tell you stuff like, "Oh buy them flowers they love that, blah blah blah" in reality which leads to them being turned off by you even more.

Clinginess / Jealousy / possessiveness should be instant deal killers. For both men and women. This crap has zero place in any kind of relationships.

bingo

Not that it makes it any less true, but did you realize that this is a chick?

I just want to know where to meet girls who play Xbox.

You're a lesbian?

Obviously, you're not a golfer.

That's for 80 year old men.

well, that's just like your opinion, man

However yesterday she started texting me small talk like "How was work?" etc. Does this probably mean that I'm starting to tread dangerous waters?

yes.


Two ways to handle it, pro-active or re-active. It really depends on the personality of the girl, if she is level headed, and not an overly emotional clingy type, just let her bring it up later on down the road, and explain to her that you have only been with her for the last few weeks, and they are great etc, you enjoy her company, but are not ready to take it to the next level. Then tell her, that maybe you guys should cut back on the physical aspect of the relationship and just be friends, but actually be friends with her. Hangout (although with much less frequency), encourage her to date etc.

this way you can always go back and bang her in a couple months, after you have cut off most of your contact, other than once every couple weeks. This is the best way to establish a bunch of friends with benefits that are "on call".


if she is emotionally clingy etc, bring it up now before it goes any further and she gets too much more into the relationship, tell her that you aren't ready for a relationship, and you do want to be friends etc ("I just got out of a really tough breakup and she messed my head up, and I dont want to do hurt anyone, I have enough experirnce to realize it is heading that way, so Im just being honest with you now" is my favorite excuse). And than cut the contact off pretty much, except for maybe a lunch out or something the week after.

Yeah, for the most part I don't ever listen to my female friends, but I do talk to them about this stuff because it's what girls do, I suppose.

I completely agree, and it wasn't always like this. The first three years we dated, we lived predominantly 2 hours apart, and that worked out well. He moved to the city I live in a year ago and since then, he's really started to act differently.

Haha, I've actually encountered a decent amount on XBL lately playing MW2, so we're out there.

I am definitely the more rational type of girl, but I do have lots of friends who get told things like "The last girl I was with really messed me up, I am not ready for a relationship" and then think that is an invitation to try and help the guy with his emotional hangups, often amplifying their desire for a relationship with him, so do be careful when you use it and be certain to do like guids said and sever contact.

You can't tell her it's not a bad thing if, even if she likes acting like she is an a relationship, she thinks being in one is bad or not what she wants out of life right now. Also has she been up front from the get go about not wanting to be in a relationship and just be casual?

You can't force her to see it differently, maybe she will eventually, but it will have to be of her own accord, not by someone else showing her.

Let me add, she may not even think being close to someone is a bad thing. Do you know she thinks this? It may be that she doesn't like the idea of being tied down by the concept of a mutual committed relationship.

I keep hearing these stories of women who don't want to be close. What does this even mean? It's like they think they're getting a dog who's 10 years old and will die within the next 3 years.

Sounds like a lot of hum-bug about them wanting to bang more guys than just one.

well yeah probably

It means the same thing it means for guys.