Why did the monkey fall from the tree?










Because he was dead.

So a many goes into the Proctologist, hes getting his examination and all of a sudden the Dr. starts laughing, the man goes " What is so funny? " The doctor replies " It's a inside joke. "

Later that day, the doctor goes to the bank to cash a check. Reaches into his his pocket and pulls out a thermometer and says "GD it, some *******s got my pen."

While the doctor acquainted himself with a new elderly patient, he asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years- when my husband was alive."

Advertising department at minutemaid clearly pulled an all nighter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOBdTP9ZB-I

A professor at Iowa State was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience , he asks, How many people here believe in ghosts?

About 90 students raise their hand.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a Ghost?

Way in the back, a big Texas redneck raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your Experience.


The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor
asks, So, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?

"Shiiiiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said 'goats' !"

Guy goes in a bar. Orders a drink, drinks it down, then looks in his shirt pocket. Does this 4 times. On the 5th time the bartender ask why?
Guy says I got a picture of my wife in my pocket, When she looks good I'm going Home.

It's 3 am on a cold rainy night, a man and his wife are asleep in their bed when they're awakened by someone pounding on their door. The man puts his robe on and goes down and opens the door. Outside is a wet obviously drunken guy, the drunk goes "man can you help me out and give me a push." The man is pissed and tells the drunk that its 3 am he has to get up in three hours and there is no way he's going out to give the man a push. He goes back upstairs and explains what happened to his wife. She says " remember a month ago when my car broke down on the highway how grateful I was that someone helped me, you should go help that guy". The guy agrees puts his coat on goes out and yells "hey buddy where you at I'll help you I'll give you a push." From the side of the house he hears the drunk yell back "I'm over here on the swing set"

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every
year Morris would say, "Esther, I 'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty
dollars -- and Fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get
another chance."
Esther replied,"Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars -- and fifty
dollars is fifty dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one
word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot
turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get
you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when

Esther fell out, but you know -- fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

Dear Doctor Phil

The Bicycle Joke - Billy Connelly

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere , parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes thru the swingin’ doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar :

COLD BEER : $2.00

HAMBURGER : $2.25

CHEESEBURGER : $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender
serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers..

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

‘Yes?’ she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, ‘may I help you?’

The ole biker leans over the bar, “I was wondering young lady,” he whispers, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs “Why yes, Yes, I sure am”.

The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, “Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger.”

Rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder.

Bartender says, "Where'd you get that thing?"

Frog says, "Brooklyn, they're everywhere!"

Who said, "I don't know if it's art, but I know what I like"?

Art's wife.

Latvian Jokes

Why did the yogi refuse novocaine when getting his cavity filled?











He wanted to transcend dental medication.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?













Just look for the fresh prints.

^^^ Took a moment but lol

lol

This Farmer has a rooster that screws everything. Chickens, birds, rabbits, everything. He told the old rooster if he didn't stop it he was going to screw himself to death. A few days latter the farmer went out for a walk. He saw the Rooster laying on his back with his feet up in the air. He went over to the rooster and looked down at him and said I knew you would screw yourself to death. The old rooster opened one eye and went "Shhhhh buzzards".

When you got farmers, buzzards, roosters, sex, and death in your joke, that's a winner.

(Pretty old, but I don't know if this ever reached the US)

How do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

Made it here 30 yrs ago and in the US the first word is "What"

Right. I knew that.

What's the difference between Jesus and a portrait of Jesus?