Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One says to the other "Gettin pretty hot in here." The other says, "Holy **** a talkin muffin!"

This is easily the most awesome joke I've heard in 2 years and that's saying something since I'm a guitar player in a gigging band.

A duck walks into a bar, goes up the bartender and says, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No" and the duck walks out. The next day the same duck walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender says "No" and the duck walks out. The next day the duck walks into the bar again and goes up the bartender and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "Look, duck. You've come in here three days in a row asking me if I have any grapes and I keep telling you no. If you come in here and ask me that one more time I'm going to nail your beak to the bar!" The duck walks out. A couple weeks go by with no sign of the duck. Finally one day the duck walks in and goes up to the bartender and says, "Go any nails?" The bartender says "no." The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

i love that joke.

A friend of mine decided he was going to go skydiving. I told him I thought I would be terrified. He said he certainly was, but was inspired by the Jump instructor, a rough looking fellow about 6'4" who told him if he didn't jump he was going to #$%& him in the @ss. I asked him if he jumped and his reply -

An Ivy Leaguer is leaving a New York City Poker den when he happens upon a busted degenerate gambler from the game he was just playing in. "Hey man, you wanna let me borrow some money so I could get back in the game?" the gambler politely asks.
"'Neither a borrower nor a lender be,' William Shakesphere, Hamlet;" the Ivy leaguer responds, with an air of smug superiority.
The gambler quickly fires back: "'GO F**K YOURSELF!', Chazz Palminteri, A Bronx Tale."

I hope this thread keeps going.

What's the diff between a Jew and a canoe?

A canoe tips

Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants?




So you could read her lips.

Is there any other element of comedy in the Helen Keller ones but her conditions?

She's famously blind & deaf. If you care to suggest a more famous blind & deaf person for us to make jokes about I'd have no problem switching over.

Yeah, I get ya. Tho, many of those are only about blindness, so may I suggest Stevie Wonder for those?

but stevie is famous for being a kickass vocalist & songwriter, and he's still alive, so really cruel jokes aren't as funny.

We all heard about helen keller in like 3rd grade or whatever and everyone wonders wtf they were doing teaching us about her. so jokes about her work on two levels

1) she's blind, deaf and dead, so she can't defend herself, even if she COULD hear or see our jokes
2) we all secretly resent her

the duck joke was hilarious haha

The Hypnotist

"Instead of asking for volunteers, tonight I am going to hypnotize the entire audience. Keep your eye on the watch. You are getting tired, your arms are heavy, now you are asleep. Go ahead and stand up."
The audience complies<except Helen>

"Now, turn around"
The audience complies<except Helen>


"Now, back around and sit down"
The audience complies<except Helen>


The hypnotist drops his watch and it shatters into a thousand pieces

"S#1T"
The audience complies<except Helen,She already had>

A guy shows up for work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His buddies all gather around and start asking what happened, where did you get the shiners.

"I got them in chruch", he responded.

"In church? You've got to be kidding. How?", they asked.

"Well I was sitting in church behind this fat woman. When we stood up to sing, I noticed that her dress was stuck in her butt crack. So, without thinking I reached up and pulled it out. So she turns around and hits me right in the eye." he answered.

"That's only one black eye, how did you get the other one?", they asked.

"Well, I stood there for a moment rubbing my eye. Then occured to me that she must have wanted it up there, so I reached up and tucked it back in..."

Two guys are sitting at a bar. One looks around and says to the other: "I bet you I could take home any girl in this bar I wanted to tonight." The other guys says, "Really? What's your secret?" His friend replies, "I'm a rapist."

" Dad whats the difference between a pussy and a **nt?" a young son asks.

" Look at this," says dad as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother," thats a pussy son."

" Thats wonderful dad can i touch it? "

" No son " says dad " If u touch the pussy u will wake the **nt up! "

a planes going down, they throw out all the bags to lighten the load. its still going down so the pilot get on the speaker and says, ok people are going to start having to jump out to save the rest, we'll do this the only fair way, alphabetically....first the A's...will all the africans come to the front of the plane....(no one gets up)....ok the B's...will all the blacks come to the front...(no one gets up)...ok the C's...will all the colored's come to the front...(no one gets up)... a little black boy turns to his mom and says "mom aren't we african, black, and colored?" the mother replies, "yes son, but today, we're ******s, and we're letting the mexicans die first!"

im thinking of opening a pancake house in an old abandoned church....


not sure though, think it might give people the crepes.

^hahahahaha. yes.

did u hear about the new morning after pill for men?


it changes ur blood type

Heard a joke once: Man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world, where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But doctor..."
"...I am Pagliacci"

Good joke.
Everybody laugh.
Roll on snare drum.
Curtains.

- From the DC graphic novel "Watchmen" by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons

One morning, in the maternity ward, a baby boy is born to proud parents. The doctor comes to speak to them and says "He's healthy, but there's a pro lem. Your son has no eyelids. Without them, his eyes will dry over and he'll be blind in a few days. But, we can try an experimental procedure." The parents agree, so the doctors remove the boys foreskin and fashion it into eyelids.
The procedure was a success, and his vision was saved. But, he's still a little kocheyed.

A Paki dies and goes to Heaven.
St Pete asks "What are you doing here"
To which the Paki replies <in lilting paki accent> "I am here for Jesus"
St Pete replies "Oh, Yeah" and getting on PA "JESUS! your cabs here"