I only thought one of those was good, but the greatness of #9 makes the whole read plenty worthwhile.

When you change metal to an adjective it becomes metallic. But not so for iron, which is ironic.

9. Nationwide must have looked pretty silly when they opened their first branch - William Stone


this is the best one imho.

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

I have a friend who's a dyslexic insomniac agnostic. He stays up all night trying to figure out if there really is a dog.

I went climbing in Paris once. I tried to climb a really tall tower, but eiffel off.

What did 50 Cent do when he got hungry?

I went to a 50 cent concert and only paid 45 cents.

80 year old man went to his pharmacist and asked "Do those blue pills really work?"

Pharmacist said "Yes Sir they do."

Man asks "Can I get it over the counter?"

Pharmacist says...

I got a job making chess pieces. This week I've been working knights.

lol

Dammit I need another coffee. Kept reading it as cheese pieces, and thought it must be some US-only relevant joke.

Here's a US only joke:

I've been trying to stop eating thanksgiving leftovers. But I just can't quit cold turkey!

I don't mean to brag, but cashiers are always checking me out.

Today I met a guy with a Bounty on his head. I thought it was a weird place to keep a roll of peper towels.

I decided to have my spine removed. It was holding me back.

My gf keeps complaining about how lazy I am. She said "when we first met you said you were really interesting." I responded "no, I said I was really into resting."

NSFW

My dad got a big xmas tree last week. I asked him if he was gonna put it up himself. He said no I'm gonna put it up in the living room.

E was the only letter that got presents this xmas. All the other letters were not E.

How does a nonbinary samurai kill people?

Why did a prostitute get a vagina attached to her hip?

Had a very unfortunate first date last night with a woman from Bumble. I asked her out to a popular new Vietnamese restaurant. She got there a little early and called me, here's how the convo went:

her: hey I'm at the restaurant, I know I'm a little early, but wow this place is packed, there's a line out the door!
me: hey no problem, I'll be there in a few minutes, just look for the sign that says Pho Queue
her: what!? Is this a prank!?
me: no just look around, it'll say Pho Queue
her: **** YOU TOO JERK

Then she hung up and unmatched me

How did the Italian chef get locked out of his apartment?

thats a really good one krunic


the italian chef one