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Old 10-28-2019, 10:01 PM   #1076
justlexi
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Re: Joke of the day

I got a text from my next-door neighbor today.

It read:

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. Iíve got a confession to make. Iíve been riddled with guilt for a few months, and I have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.

At least Iím telling you in this text and I canít live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when youíre not around Iíve been sharing your wife, day and night.

In fact, probably much more than you. I havenít been getting it at home recently and I know that thatís no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I canít live with the guilt and hope youíll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and Iíll pay you.

Regards, Richard

I was so angered and betrayed, that I grabbed my gun, went next door, and shot Richard...killing him.

I went back home, and poured myself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

Just then, I looked at my phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Second text message:

Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed ďwi-fiĒ to ďwife.Ē Technology, huh? Itíll be the death of us all. Regards, Richard
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Old 10-29-2019, 01:55 PM   #1077
Morphismus
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Re: Joke of the day

The gun laws in the US just facilitate such short-fused reactions!
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Old 11-08-2019, 03:02 PM   #1078
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Re: Joke of the day

My wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that help get an erection. You should have seen the look in her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.

I'm still looking for a place to live.
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Old 11-09-2019, 05:34 AM   #1079
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Re: Joke of the day

Quote:
Originally Posted by Videopro View Post
My wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that help get an erection. You should have seen the look in her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.



I'm still looking for a place to live.


lolol
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Old 11-17-2019, 06:41 PM   #1080
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Re: Joke of the day

This...
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Old 11-18-2019, 06:38 PM   #1081
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Re: Joke of the day

What do get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
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Old 11-18-2019, 07:13 PM   #1082
Morphismus
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Re: Joke of the day

I don't know, what do get?
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Old 11-18-2019, 07:51 PM   #1083
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Re: Joke of the day

Do get a funny nothing?
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Old 11-18-2019, 08:03 PM   #1084
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Re: Joke of the day

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What do get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question and bad grammar?
fyp
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Old 11-18-2019, 08:43 PM   #1085
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Re: Joke of the day

Spoiler:
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Old 11-19-2019, 12:33 AM   #1086
All-inMcLovin
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Re: Joke of the day

Quote:
Originally Posted by Morphismus View Post
fyp


lolol
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Old 12-03-2019, 01:30 PM   #1087
SandraXII
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Re: Joke of the day

- Did you hear about the Greek cheese company that's been accused of using unscrupulous suppliers to try and cut costs?

- I believe it's a case of unfeta-ed capitalism
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Old 12-07-2019, 09:44 AM   #1088
Enszi
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Re: Joke of the day

Nice pic.
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Old 12-13-2019, 04:52 PM   #1089
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Re: Joke of the day

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I'M ALWAYS SURPRISED WHEN A HEAVILY TATTOOED COUPLE HAS A BABY AND IT COMES OUT BLANK".

-JIM KANE
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Old 12-19-2019, 05:30 AM   #1090
RedBullGaveMeWings
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Re: Joke of the day

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?














Because it was dead.

Last edited by RedBullGaveMeWings; 12-19-2019 at 05:35 AM.
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Old 01-04-2020, 08:15 AM   #1091
CowboyCold
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Re: Joke of the day

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her bags. He asks her why and she says that she heard that there were men in Vegas that would pay 500 dollars to do what I do for you for free.

The husband grabbed his suitcase and began packing. She asks him what he thought he was doing.

Spoiler:
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Old 03-26-2020, 08:27 AM   #1092
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Re: Joke of the day

Prince Charles is isolating at Balmoral with Covid-19.
Prince Andrew is isolating at Windsor with Jennifer-14.
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Old 03-26-2020, 10:10 AM   #1093
Morphismus
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Re: Joke of the day

When I saw there's a new post here I figured it's a Corona joke.
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Old 03-26-2020, 10:17 AM   #1094
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Re: Joke of the day

and Prince Andrew. Double topical.
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Old 05-08-2020, 11:46 AM   #1095
MARCANE
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Re: Joke of the day

An elderly couple were relaxing on the patio and having an adult beverage, reflecting on life. When the husband talks about how they started out, living in a small rundown apartment, had a small crappy black and white tv, an old broke down beater car, but at least he was sleeping with a beautiful young hottie. "Now I live in a mansion, my tv is a home theater, and I drive a beamer, but now I'm sleeping with an old woman." "What's up with that?!"

The wife appears to be sympathetic and understands his frustration. She knows how hard he has worked to get where he is. "So, if you want to once again enjoy the company of a beautiful young hottie and feel young again yourself." "By all means, treat yourself to some of that." "I assure you that you will once again live in a run down apartment, have a crappy tv, and drive a broke down beater car!"
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Old 05-08-2020, 12:37 PM   #1096
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Re: Joke of the day

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Old 06-11-2020, 08:10 AM   #1097
ye90
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Re: Joke of the day

What is the worst profession in the world?

Spoiler:
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Old 06-16-2020, 05:13 PM   #1098
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Re: Joke of the day

A friend posted this on FB.

I had a busy morning and decided to grab a quick bite...
I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.
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