A nurse was giving the president a tour of a new hospital. On the first floor the president saw a man in a room masturbating. He said "what the hell is going on in there?" The nurse said "oh this man has a rare condition in which he needs to do that 5 times per day or he'll explode." Later on when they got to the fifth floor, the president saw a woman giving a man a blowjob in a room. The president said "what the hell is going on in there?" The nurse said "oh this man has the same condition as the one you saw on the first floor, but he has better insurance."

Two women are drunk and walking over a bridge.

1st woman: I've always wanted to pee off of a bridge like men do
2nd woman: go ahead

The 1st woman pulls down her pants and bends over with her ass over the edge of the bridge.

1st woman: I'm gonna pee in that canoe!
2nd woman: that's not a canoe that's your reflection

I don't get it. Do you gotta be racist for that one?

You don't have to be, but it helps

krunic's jokes have range - he's got you covered if you're racist or if you're misogynist.

A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
to die, would you remarry?"
After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
"Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
"Well, would you live in this house?"
"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
I've always loved it here."
"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"She's left handed."

There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money
by going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained
this to a man who answered one door.
"How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
"Forty dollars."
"Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door
again. "All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way,"
the student says, "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."

I wish I would have seen this place sooner.

Why did the gf dump her bf who had a lazy eye?



Cause she caught him seeing someone on the side.

Ehehehe he this made my day 😄

(PHONE RINGS)

BOSS: "WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU PICKING THAT UP?"

ME: "I ALWAYS WAIT UNTIL THE THIRD OR FOURTH RING. IT MAKES ME SEEM COOLER".

BOSS: "PICK IT UP!"

ME: (ROLLING EYES) (PICKS UP PHONE). "911. WHAT IS YOUR EMERGENCY?"

My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performance out of 10.

Last night we tried anal and she kept yelling "nine". That's the best I've ever done!

Bob comes home at 5 in the morning. His wife Sue yells at him. "Why are you coming home at 5 in the morning?" Bob replies, "Because its the only place thats open"
- Sue to Marriage Counselor... "My husband Bob and I are slowly drifting apart. Is there any way we can speed up the process?"
- Sue to marriage counselor, "My husband Bob is a lousy lover." Bob replies, "How can she make a judgment like that in two minutes?"
- Sue comes home from shopping and says to her husband, "Bob, I think there’s water in the carburetor." Bob replies, "What are you talking about? You don’t know anything about cars." Sue replies, "Yeah, but I drove it into the pool."

-Murray Langston

A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt.

"Oh great, my wife is going to kill me," he mumbles to himself.

The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards him, "Hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and he gave you $20 to get your shirt cleaned."

Completely inebriated the drunk man thanks his new friend and puts a twenty in his shirt pocket and heads for home.

As soon as he walks through the front door his wife becomes irate and starts yelling at him, "Where have you been? you're completely drunk and you're a mess. Look at yourself, you puked all over the front of your shirt."

Completely wasted and slurring his words he explains to the wife, "No no, the guy sitting next to me threw up on my shirt and he gave me $20 to get it cleaned. Look, it's right here in my shirt pocket."

The wife reaches into his pocket and pulls out the money, "There's $40 in here."

"Oh yeah, he **** in my pants too."

lolololololololol

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Booom!

The salesperson asked "which Barbie Doll would you like, Sir? We have: Workout Barbie for $9.95, Shopping Barbie for $9.95, Beach Barbie for $9.95, Disco Barbie for $9.95, Ballerina Barbie for $9.95, Skater Barbie for $9.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

Astonished, the father asked: "What?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and all the others only $9.95?"

The salesperson answered "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with all the extras: Ken's bikes, Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, and even one of Ken's friends!"

*ME, WAKING UP NEXT TO A HOT, SEXY WOMAN*

ME: "OMG! I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE.........HOW FAR DID WE GO?"

HER: (LOOKS OUT THE BUS WINDOW) "FOUR STOPS".

Courtesy Eddie Deezen.

Highlights from the old Hollywood Squares game show...

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Q. What should you call a group of dancers in a ballet?

A. Paul Lynde: Silly savages.

From a Dan Goldman FB post...

A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar. Suddenly, the Jewish man punches the Chinese man in the face.

"Ow! Why did you do that?" asks he Chinese man.

"That's for Pearl Harbor," says the Jewish man.

"But the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm Chinese!" says the Chinese man.

"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" asks the Jewish man.

So the Chinese man punches the Jewish man in the face

"Ow! What's that for?" asks the Jewish man.
"It's for the Titanic," says the Chinese man.

"What? That was an iceberg that brought down the Titanic!" says the Jewish man.
"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"MY GIRLFRIEND SAID SEX WAS BETTER ON VACATION. THAT WASN'T THE POSTCARD I WAS EXPECTING".

LOL n1 Videopro

A interesting post.

From the Unknown Comic

If all the people who fall asleep in Church were laid end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable...? - If your neighbor needs Food... Give them Food... If they need Water... Give them Water... If they need Money... Give them Water. - If She shows you Her Thing and You show her Your Thing... One Thing could lead to the other. - If you don't believe in Oral Sex... keep your mouth shut. - If Caitlyn Jenner ever goes missing, do you think they'll put his picture on a carton of Half and Half?