Shouldn't that be "F"?

this

I was walking from the train station to school and there was this steep 40 step stairs that I had to climb every morning. This morning I saw a small girl halfway the stairs, struggling to go up with a bike about twice her size. Upstairs was a friend of hers, with his bike in hand, looking down to her struggle, but not moving a finger. So obviously I stepped up, told her to hand me the bike and brought it up for her, while she trodded behind me with a look of defeat.
Upstairs I returned her the bike and her face was grateful, but instead of saying "Thank you" she said:

Um, apparently I'm missing something in that above one. Seems like not really a joke

why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?






















Fo da drizzle

So Buzz goes up to heaven and meets Job at the pearly gates. He says "I thought St Peter would meet me here. Job smiles patiently and says You are exactly the 3 billionth person to say that. But you don't win anything for that. You still have to tell me why you should be let in.
Buzz says "I'm no saint, but I've always tried to help out my fellow man. I've given pages of advice to my fellow poker players and never held anything back. I've written multiple articles on O8 specifically. I go over the odds of making hands on flops with one low card and show what hands to continue with. Then I go over flops with two low cards and the odds of making low hand. And for all these of course I include the subset of two tone flops. Then I go over three low card flops and show when chasing high hands is reasonable. Then I had an article on high only flops and show what hand have odds to continue. In my article of monotone flops I discuss what bets mean and the odds of someone flopping the nut flush and whether you should continue whether going high or low. In my article on paired flops I distinguish between a high pair and a low pair and the likeliness of the nuts being out there. All my articles include a reminder of pot odds for money already in the pot as well as new money going"....Okay, okay you're in says Job.

what's Snoop Dogg's favorite tool?























Da chizzle

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are out golfing. At the 3rd hole their tee shot has to carry 260 yards across a lake.

Moses is up first and he puts his ball right into the water. He walks up to the lake, parts the water, and hits his ball on to the green.

Jesus is up next and he too puts his ball right into the water. He walks up to the lake, walks across the top of the water, and hits his next shot on to the green.

Finally the old man gets up and, just like the rest, hits his ball into the water. As it starts sinking, a fish swimming by swallows the ball. The fish swims away but an eagle dives out of the sky, grabs the fish and carries it to its nest. It starts tearing away at the fish and the ball comes loose, rolls out of the nest, bounces off a tree limb on the way down, lands on the green and rolls into the hole.

Jesus turns to the old man and says "Quit showing off, dad"

A man answers an ad for a sales position. The hiring manager says "We sell toothbrushes. You'll be on a 30 day probationary period. In that time you need to sell at least 100 units on average each week. If you make that goal you'll be hired on full time."

The man agrees and starts work immediately. He reports back after his first week and he's sold 250 units. The manager is impressed but thinks "maybe it's just beginner's luck". But the following week the new guy has sold an additional 400 units and had quickly become the company's top producer.

The manager decided to follow him to see if he could learn anything from the guy's sales technique. He followed him to a busy farmer's market where he watched the guy set up a booth. The first customer stopped by and the guy said "Hi there. I'm testing out some new kinds of chip dip and I'm wondering if you'd like a sample?" The customer agreed, took a chip, dipped it, and took a bite. "OMG THIS TASTES LIKE S.H.I.T!"

"It is," said the guy. "Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

That is hell of a sales person.

^ Ban for non-contributing, teasing month-old bump.

Why did the duck cross the road?

It was the chicken's day off.

Have you ever heard of Boolean humor? It's funny because it's TRUE.

Explaining something about PC on Phone to a girl

Boy: Open My computer
Girl: Done
Boy: Open Device Manager now
Girl: Done
Boy: Now look UP whats there
Girl: "FAN"

What is the difference between 3 c*cks and a joke?

What do you call global, shadowy conspirators who have kinky sex?

Stolen from a reddit thread I saw a couple of weeks ago. Every time I've remembered it since, it's made me chuckle.


Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50

The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.

First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.

Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."

Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I ****ed up."

It was a fun build up, but I was expecting a better punch line

Gotta act out the punchline.

Oh man I laughed really hard. Anti-jokes are my kryptonite. It's not really about the image of the guy although that helps a bit. It's the build up of trying to see where the joke is going and how it's going to all come together. The punchline is that it doesn't. I think it's even better being read than if someone was telling it because you can mentally pause and really try to think ahead about wtf is going to happen at the end.

Obviously everyone gets humor a little differently than other people, but that one got me really laughing hard. Thank you for sharing.

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their new mobile phones.

The wife was a romantic type and a retired English Classics teacher.

The husband a retired Navy Chief was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "On the toilet. Please advise."

That might be the worst joke I've ever seen. And I've read this thread.

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

I can't jelly my D*** in your mouth

The difference is that grabbing a jar of jelly isn't Step 1