lol'd

reminded me, did you hear about the man rushed to the emergency room with a case of premature ejaculation?

the doctors said it was touch 'n' go.

You two are a couple of punny guys.

Went to the bank yesterday for a loan to start up a religious action figure business, they turned me down. Said I wouldn't be able to make a prophet.

The last batch is good

So timely.

Just heard these two, courtesy of Stapes:

So how about sex-change operations, huh? Those take balls.


I took an online narcissist test today. I ****ing nailed it.

I put in an application for the Optimists' Club but I don't think they're going to accept me.

shouldn't that be the pessimists'' club? Or is there like a reverse sarcasm thing i'm not catching?

Having to blueprint the joke, sucks all the fun out of it. You may have to think about it a while, but it pays off in the end.

It's not reverse sarcasm (whatever that might be), it's just straight irony.

http://youtu.be/awD1gtpdWIA?t=24s

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning"; he said, "No just taking a $hit."

I just did coke and now I feel funny in the head for some reason.

I went for a blood test today. Needles to say, it was horrifying.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more”. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his frigging wife."

^^^ not bad

what do u call a smug thief walking down the stairs?

Didn't really find this one funny, what am I missing?

You must not have ever been in a relationship?


also the thief one was great

^ Ah, got it now. Wasn't thinking of it that way before.

what's an alcoholic astronaut's favorite key on the keyboard?

What's the most annoying thing about the Super Bowl?

Highlight!

Richard Sherman

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?



How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?



How many lead singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?



How many engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?



How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

From growing up in the '80s and mildly racist Irishman jokes:

How do you sink an Irish submarine?



What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?

How many rocket scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?