Did you know Santa's favorite poker hand is 3 Queens? He says it all the time.

over/under gutz's age?* i set the line at 50.

*gutz ineligible to enter.

Over

Why was the mushroom invited to all the parties?

Why hasn't that joke been posted ITT before?

A guy walks into a bar.

He sees cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling. He's confused, so the bartender explains that the bar is having a contest -- if you can jump high enough to touch the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night, but if you jump and fail to make contact, you must buy a round for everyone in the place.

The bartender asks if the guy wants to try it, but he refuses saying...

"Sorry, the steaks are too high."

How many Fergusonians does it take to start a riot?

Maybe his vision isn't bad enough to require glasses? Seems like a lucky guess by the interviewee.

I gave my cat a bath last night

I'm not saying that joke was good, but what sort of jokes do you enjoy?

I have many books of jokes, and the lamest in them are infinitely better than anything I've seen so far in this thread.

Certainly there shouldn't be any obvious logical holes puncturing the punchline.

Coke/Pepsi joke was hilarious

yeah, I lol'd

Sorry, but I have many books of jokes. What I decide is funny is what counts.

Riveting: The most interesting job in the world.


A blind man walks into a department store, picks up his guide dog by the tail and starts twirling it around his head.
The store manager rushes over and says, 'Sir, what are you doing?'
Blind man answers, 'Don't worry, I'm just having a look around'.


Guy goes to the doctors.
The Doc sits him down and says, 'So what seems to be the problem?'
The guy touches the top of his left arm with his finger and says, 'When I do this it hurts'.
Doc says, 'Ok'.
The guy then touches his right knee and says, 'When I do this it hurts'.
Doc says, 'Hmmm...ok'
The guy then touches the side of his head and says, 'And when I do this it hurts, what's wrong with me doc?'
Doc says, 'I think you've broken your finger'.

Seriously lol'ed. Best joke in a while imo.

Some horrible puns I just heard:

A pickle walks into a bar.
The bartender says: "we don't allow your kind in here".
The pickle is shocked and offended. He says "that is an insult to vegetables".
The bartender leans across the bar and says, "Dill with it."

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?


The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

I've ready several Dave Barry and Al Franken books, I think I speak with some authority on this matter.

But have you read the "Encyclopedia of Humor Studies"?

Lol an actual legit good (if slightly gross) pun that I just heard.


A kiss makes your day, but anal sex makes your hole weak.

Cat eats chocolate.

Darwin award.

i think that works better if you write 'whole week' and let the reader deduce it for themselves.

the way i heard it was: what's the difference b/w a BJ and anal sex?
a BJ makes your whole day, anal sex makes you whole week.

I went to the library today and asked the librarian if she had the latest book about tiny penises. She said "I don't think it's in yet". I said "Yes, that's the one"