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02-16-2014 , 12:39 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by luckduck53
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and makes women happy?

Spoiler:
The new $100 bill
Good one

5 things women look for in a man

#1 Money
2 whatever
3 whatever
4 whatever
5 doesn't matter...
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02-16-2014 , 08:03 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shackles
What's 30 pages fat but doesn't deliver?
what fits that description but does deliver?
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02-17-2014 , 01:00 AM
Paraprosdokian:

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's on the list.
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02-18-2014 , 02:28 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by longmissedblind
Paraprosdokian:

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's on the list.
Huh?
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02-18-2014 , 03:21 PM
For many decades, two heroic statues of a male and a female faced each other in a city park until, one day, an angel came down from heaven with an announcement for them.

“You’ve been such exemplary statues for the community that I’m going to give you a special gift and bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time can do anything you want.” Then, with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly at first, but soon dashed for the bushes. Soon after, the angel could hear a good deal of giggling, laughter and shaking of branches. Then, fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces.

“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel as he winked at each of them. Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Let’s do it again. Only this time, you hold down the pigeon down and I’ll **** on it’s head!”
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02-18-2014 , 03:24 PM
(My favourite: )
A man and his wife decide to book a hotel room for the night of their 25th wedding anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out and suck your tits dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks like I did a pretty good job!”
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02-18-2014 , 03:25 PM
A married man was having a long-term affair with his secretary.

One day, they were overcome by passion and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they both fell asleep and didn’t rouse until well into the evening. As the man hastily threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and then he quickly slipped into his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having hot, passionate sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying bstard! You’ve been out playing golf!”
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02-20-2014 , 09:01 AM
THE SHOEBOX

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
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03-04-2014 , 09:16 AM
A 100 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.

He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.

"Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
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03-05-2014 , 08:50 PM
That's pretty good.
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03-05-2014 , 09:03 PM
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03-06-2014 , 06:31 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by thethethe
I smiled

Sent from my SM-G900T using 2+2 Forums
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03-12-2014 , 05:36 AM
I had a good laugh lol . ROLF
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03-12-2014 , 05:37 AM
I hope I had one .
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03-12-2014 , 08:03 AM
I was tired this morning, so instead of water I used redbull in my morning coffee.

I was half way to work before I noticed that I had left my car at home.
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03-13-2014 , 01:46 AM
I lol'd fid. Also wtf are these 2 and his/your only 2 posts? :
Quote:
Originally Posted by dremark
I had a good laugh lol . ROLF
Quote:
Originally Posted by dremark
I hope I had one .
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03-14-2014 , 10:04 AM
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03-14-2014 , 10:36 AM
^^

I didn't get 13, 14, 17, 18
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03-14-2014 , 10:51 AM
19 and 6 for me
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03-14-2014 , 11:01 AM
Wow like all the ones people aren't getting are amazing. Will elaborate in a bit.

Spoiler:
6 Latin, -us is singular -i is plural eg stimulus stimuli. 12 in oct = base 8, 31 = 3x8 + 1 = 25, in dec = base 10, 2x10 + 5 = 25. 13 meh it's just their areas of expertise, uncertainty incompleteness language etc. 14 Pavlov having a Pavlovian response at a ringing noise? Cmon. 15 Buddhists... Become one with everything, hot dog... All the toppings... 16 Higgs boson the particle required for mass... Get it... Church mass... 19 strictly per the language, it's get a loaf of bread, and if there are eggs, get 12 loaves of bread, it's a condition and the dozen is not qualified to be eggs except through context


This has been "explaining jokes with Bixby Snyder"

Last edited by bixby snyder; 03-14-2014 at 11:16 AM.
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03-14-2014 , 11:08 AM
I dont understand 12
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03-14-2014 , 11:17 AM
Added...
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03-14-2014 , 03:55 PM
A man is about to enter a meeting at work when he realizes that he forgot some important paperwork.

He calls home so that his wife can retrieve them. The maid answers the phone and says that his wife is busy.

He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone. The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the gardener.

The man goes nuts, and offers the maid one million dollars to shoot them both. The maid agrees and he soon hears two gunshots.

The maid returns to the phone and he asks her what happened.

The maid says she shot his wife in bed and the gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool.

The man says, "Pool??? Is this 555-4320???"
Joke of the day Quote
03-14-2014 , 04:19 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by longmissedblind
Paraprosdokian:

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's on the list.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hero Value
Huh?
When people say "the last thing I want to do is hurt you", they generally mean that they don't want to hurt you at all. But the literal meaning of the phrase is that they have compiled a list of things they want to do and "hurt you" is on the list. It being the last element of the list is hardly the main point here!

Last edited by EvilSteve; 03-14-2014 at 04:20 PM. Reason: Or was it the paraprosdokian thing, which I don't get either?
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