Arsenic = arse nick, where nick means a small cut

Yeh, I'd heard it before as more like:

Aa piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says sorry, they don't serve string there. The next day the string returns and after the barman asks him if he's a piece of string, he replies "no, I'm a frayed knot"

I really used to like checking this thread... it's reached an all time low. I probably can't save it but someone needs to make an effort.

Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

A man was tossing peanuts in the air and then catching them with his mouth and one accidentally fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper into his ear.
He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were leaving their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother turned to the father.

"That's wonderful. He's so smart! I wonder what he's gonna be when he grows up!"

"From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."

A man walks into a doctor's office wearing nothing but a pair of underwear made out of plastic wrap. The Doc takes one look at him and says, "I can clearly see you're nuts".

It goes in dry, comes out wet
The longer it's in the stronger it gets
It comes out dripping and starts to sag
It's not what you think,

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he
has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.
The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to
bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man
returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once
more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
"So did you follow him?"
"I did."
"And...where did he go?"

"Over to your house..."

Guy turns upfor work one day with an esky (chiller box). Blonde coworker looks at him and asks, "what's that?" He says, "it's an esky, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold". That's awesome she says, I'm getting one of those! Next day, sure enough she has an esky. "I see you got an esky, what you got in it?" he asks. Proudly she says
"A cup of coffee and an ice-cream!"

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

Jenny walks into the tattooist and asks him to tattoo a "B" on her left and riight butt cheeks. Tattooist asks why, and she tells him her husband is a huge BB King fan and she wants to surprise him. So, she gets the tatts. Later that week she calls huuby from the bedroom, come on in I have a surprise for you. He walks in, she turns around , drops her panties and bends over. What do you think? she asks. He says, Who th f*k is BoB?

Quasimodo arrives home from work to find his wife putting away the wok. Beauty, he says, Chinese for tea hey? No, she says, just been ironing your shirts.

hoopman to the rescue. the peanut one was especially good

But then Fizz ruined it with walls of texts that I mistakenly read all the way through

The Irish have invented a new form of contraceptive.
You put a stone in your shoe, and it makes you limp.

Two cows are in a field, one turns to the other and says "I'm really worried about this Mad Cow disease thing, are you worried too?" Other cow says "of course not, I'm a squirrel."

A

Descartes is at the bar late
Bartender says "want another?"
Descartes says "I think not!"
POOF he was gone