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12-27-2013 , 01:04 AM

#376

powder_8s

temp-banned

Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 3,782

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic? He lays awake at night, trying to figure out if his dog exists.

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12-27-2013 , 09:57 AM

#377

xalas

◄Valar Morghulis►

Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 5,667

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"

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12-27-2013 , 07:40 PM

#378

kazzzz

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old hand

Join Date: Nov 2010 Posts: 1,588

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12-27-2013 , 09:13 PM

#379

harrythepro

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banned

Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 512

whats the difference between an epileptic oyster-shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

Spoiler:

one shucks between fits...

How can you tell your room-mate is gay?

Spoiler:

his dick tastes like ****

why are 2+2er's always talking about having the nuts, coming on the turn and sucking out on one another?

Spoiler:

the same reason they fellate their chipstacks while contemplating a call, with all eyes on them, up the stack down the stack, glance at opponent to see if he is getting hot?

Spoiler:

Spoiler:

i really dont have an answer, it just gets me excited..... and when your whang is as huge as mine the lack blood in my brain my brain causes misclicks.... I can't be the only poker player who has to fight this boner tilt am i?

Spoiler:

possibly being ghey is confusing

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01-01-2014 , 09:53 AM

#380

giraffeboy

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grinder

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Mrs Hitler on the phone:

IS A DOLPHIN WHAT?

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01-02-2014 , 12:51 PM

#381

Sciolist

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Three logicians walk into a bar.

Bartender: Three beers?
Logician 1: I don't know
Logician 2: I don't know
Logician 3: Yes

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01-02-2014 , 02:05 PM

#382

Kvitlekh

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adept

Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 882

What did one Jewish turtle say to the other?

Spoiler:

Shellom

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01-03-2014 , 12:46 AM

#383

Hero Value

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Sciolist

Three logicians walk into a bar.

Bartender: Three beers?
Logician 1: I don't know
Logician 2: I don't know
Logician 3: Yes

Could you explain? Have heard a very similar joke before too.

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01-03-2014 , 12:51 AM

#384

FRYTWO

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grinder

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you: "You hear about that actress that got stabbed?"

you: "Reese .. um... Reese what's-her-name.."

them: "Witherspoon?"

you: "No, it was with a knife!"

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01-03-2014 , 02:26 AM

#385

jimmyfingers

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grinder

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Sciolist

Three logicians walk into a bar.

Bartender: Three beers?
Logician 1: I don't know
Logician 2: I don't know
Logician 3: Yes

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hero Value

Could you explain? Have heard a very similar joke before too.

if either of the first two didn't want a beer, they would know the answer to the bartender's question is "no". since they don't know, they must both want beers, so the third knows the answer.

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01-03-2014 , 02:41 AM

#386

Brocktoon

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Unreada Bill

Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 8,675

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sciolist

Three logicians walk into a bar.

Bartender: Three beers?
Logician 1: I don't know
Logician 2: I don't know
Logician 3: Yes

Pretty awesome.

Is there anyone, I mean literally anyone, who gets that right away the first time hearing it?

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01-03-2014 , 04:01 AM

#387

xalas

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^another variant of the joke

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01-03-2014 , 05:06 PM

#388

mikethefish

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The true nature of the pokers players or The ultimate poker tournament

Tony G, Mike Matusow, Liv Boeree, Tom Dwan, Russ Hamilton, TJ Cloutier, Daniel Negreanu, Guy Laliberte, Stu Ungar ghost, Gus Hansen, Bill Perkins, Chino Reems, Scotty Nguyen, Jerry Yang, Phil Hellmuth, Chris Ferguson, Ryan Riess, Greg Raymer, Jamie Gold, Phil Ivey, Victor Blom, Jonathan Duhamel and Antonio Esfandiari are all invited at the ultimate poker tournament held in 2014. Who will be the winner ?

Spoiler:

Many players forget to show up for various reasons : TJ Cloutier and Phil Ivey are playing craps at casino, Phil Hellmuth forgets to get up and his best friend Mike Matusow did not warn him because he and Stu Ungar are using cocaine, Tony G had a flat with his bike, Bill Perkins is busy to collect money for charity, Tom Dwan is in Macao and Full Tilt refuses to pay his buy-in, Greg Raymer get his d*** s*** by Liv Boeree, Gus Hansen finally realize it is best for him to play backgammon tournament instead of poker tournament, Scotty Nguyen and Jonathan Duhamel are at the bar, Guy Laliberte enjoy his second trips in space, Russ Hamilton and Chris Ferguson finally go to jail, Daniel Negreanu and Antonio Esfandiari are in their cult. Meanwhile, Chino Reems, Jerry Yang and Jamie Gold are busy to beg for money for a taxi who show up late because Victor Blom forget 300K in a bag on the back seat. Victor Blom is at the police station trying to get is money back. Ryan Riess win the tourny in great controversy. Ryan Riess say to journalists : this is another proof i am the best poker player in the whole world.

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01-03-2014 , 05:09 PM

#389

Videopro

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Making TV

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Not bad. Going to copy it to the NVG LC thread.

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01-03-2014 , 05:24 PM

#390

EfromPegTown

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veteran

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Sciolist

Three logicians walk into a bar.

Bartender: Three beers?
Logician 1: I don't know
Logician 2: I don't know
Logician 3: Yes

This reminded me of another joke.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender just pours 2 beers and says "you're all a bunch of idiots"

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01-03-2014 , 06:17 PM

#391

His Boy Elroy

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those are both good

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01-03-2014 , 08:26 PM

#392

mikethefish

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Phil Laak find Jennifer Tilly unconscious in his bathroom. He realize that Jeniffer's bra has exploded in her face because of her big boobs. Jeniffer is awake and Phil Laak is furious. He scream : Come on, Jeniffer, you wear 32B size bra when your boobs are 36DD, it is so sick and ridiculous. You should have put more money in your bra and buy a better and bigger bra because of your big boobs. That would have been a good investment in the long run. Jeniffer is crying then answer : I am so sorry Phil, but i am convinced that

Spoiler:

Patrick Antonius had bigger boobs than me!!

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01-04-2014 , 12:04 AM

#393

LiveActionPro

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What do you call a cow jerking off ? Beef-stroken-off

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01-04-2014 , 04:11 AM

#394

FRYTWO

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grinder

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What do a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist have in common?

They can smell it, but they can't eat it.

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01-04-2014 , 04:39 AM

#395

xalas

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What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

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01-06-2014 , 01:01 AM

#396

Hero Value

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Ah thanks Jimmy. Also the above jokes were good, except the Jennifer tilly one was ****ing terrible.

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01-06-2014 , 09:52 AM

#397

luckduck53

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An oldie, but a goodie:

Quote:

The following is an actual question given on a University of Oregon
chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets
to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that
if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there
is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature andpressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting " Oh my God."

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01-06-2014 , 07:50 PM

#398

El P

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Pooh-Bah

Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 5,714

cant decide if the tilly is GOAT or WOAT

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01-07-2014 , 12:33 PM

#399

xalas

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Quote:

Originally Posted by luckduck53

An oldie, but a goodie:

funny, snopes looked into the origins of this tale
http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/hell.asp

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01-07-2014 , 12:59 PM

#400

luckduck53

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The Situation

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Quote:

Originally Posted by xalas

funny, snopes looked into the origins of this tale
http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/hell.asp

I mean, I knew it was a joke, but I've seen it floating around the internet with different names and universities for years now. Not surprised that snopes has an entry for it though.

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