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Old 06-08-2013, 01:51 PM   #326
Low Key
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Re: Joke of the day

A man called the phone company to complain about his listing in the directory. "I told you that my last name is Sweady," he said, "but you have it listed as Cyirwu."

"I’m sorry, sir," the phone company rep said. "I’ll fix it so it’ll be correct the next time we publish the directory. Now how do you spell your name?"

"Just like I told you before," the customer said. "It’s S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in double-u and Y as in you."
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Old 06-09-2013, 01:51 AM   #327
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Re: Joke of the day

mother and father ponder sons future

"I have an idea," said the father. As he puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the bible under his arm.

"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"
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Old 06-11-2013, 04:24 AM   #328
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Re: Joke of the day

What's blue and doesn't fit?









A drowned epileptic.
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Old 06-11-2013, 05:59 AM   #329
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Re: Joke of the day

Quote:
Originally Posted by RockardGB View Post
Say "Pete Sir" out loud as you would do to a seargent major in the british army....
Haha took me a while ...
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Old 06-11-2013, 08:36 AM   #330
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Re: Joke of the day

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gabethebabe View Post
A German, Dutchie and Frenchie are learning English.

Day 1.
Teacher: I want y'all to make a phrase with the words Pink, Yellow and Green.
Dutchie: The painting has the colors pink, yellow and green
Teacher: hmm, that's OK
German: I wake up, see the Yellow sun and the Green grass and I think, this is going to be a Pink day!
Teacher: Very good!
Frenchie: The telephone goes "Green Green!", I Pink it up and say "Yellow?"
I heard this where your French person was a persona with an Indian accent. It make a lot more sense.
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Old 06-12-2013, 05:54 AM   #331
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Re: Joke of the day

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Originally Posted by ReidLockhart View Post
I heard this where your French person was a persona with an Indian accent. It make a lot more sense.
I'm sorry if I spoiled it for you
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Old 06-12-2013, 09:42 AM   #332
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Re: Joke of the day

simple, yet elegant.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fizzgibble View Post
What's blue and doesn't fit?









A drowned epileptic.
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Old 06-12-2013, 05:36 PM   #333
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Smile Re: Joke of the day

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fizzgibble View Post
What's blue and doesn't fit?









A drowned epileptic.
a straight guy in a gay parade
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Old 06-19-2013, 02:40 PM   #334
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Re: Joke of the day

I just got a phone call from a representative from Google.

"We're campaigning to get people to sign an on-line petition supporting our company tax arrangements in light of the government's plans for an investigation."

"You can **** right off," I told him. "It's the law abiding tax payer like me who suffers because of bastards like Google. You're getting no support from me!"

There was a pause before he added, "We know your browsing history."

"It's about time somebody stood up to the Government. I'm logging in as we speak."
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Old 06-19-2013, 02:41 PM   #335
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Re: Joke of the day

Jim Apple finds introducing himself very problematic when holidaying in France.
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Old 06-19-2013, 02:41 PM   #336
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Re: Joke of the day

While Jim Apple was having trouble introducing himself in France,

at a hotel in Berlin, his friend Gordon Morgan was having similar problems when he arrived for breakfast.
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Old 06-19-2013, 03:04 PM   #337
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Re: Joke of the day

Mynae Mizz finds introducing himself very problematic when holidaying in United States.
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Old 06-29-2013, 07:34 PM   #338
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Re: Joke of the day

he gave him mike the mouth resuscitation but he had a melt down and blew all the air he had built up.
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Old 08-17-2013, 07:50 PM   #339
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Re: Joke of the day

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West
Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !!!!
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Old 08-17-2013, 08:34 PM   #340
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Cracked me up, retelling this for sure
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Old 08-17-2013, 09:41 PM   #341
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Re: Joke of the day

Quote:
Originally Posted by AllBlackDan View Post
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.

I don't get it, punchline is in middle of joke.
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Old 08-18-2013, 04:21 AM   #342
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Re: Joke of the day

Quote:
Originally Posted by AllBlackDan View Post
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West
Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !!!!
Israeli soldiers don't throw grenades, and certainly don't throw them at passing cars. Palestinian "freedom frighters", aka terrorists, are the ones who throw random grenades and molotov cocktails at passing cars and fire rockets into residential neighborhoods.
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Old 08-18-2013, 04:27 AM   #343
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Re: Joke of the day

Quote:
Originally Posted by Riverdinho View Post
I don't get it, punchline is in middle of joke.
No, I think this was the punchline:

Quote:
Originally Posted by AllBlackDan View Post
"I've won the greatest sporting event in the world."
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Old 08-18-2013, 05:13 AM   #344
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Re: Joke of the day

2 drunk guys:

Dude, How much does a fart weight ?

the other: nothing, it's gas!

Mmmmmmm, I think then I just shat in my pants
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Old 08-19-2013, 04:25 AM   #345
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Re: Joke of the day

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kvitlekh View Post
Israeli soldiers don't throw grenades, and certainly don't throw them at passing cars. Palestinian "freedom frighters", aka terrorists, are the ones who throw random grenades and molotov cocktails at passing cars and fire rockets into residential neighborhoods.
Do you ever wonder if you're missing the point?
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Old 08-19-2013, 10:22 AM   #346
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Re: Joke of the day

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sciolist View Post
Do you ever wonder if you're missing the point?
What about the two posts above, both indicating a different punchline? Are they missing the point too, that the joke isn't about football being the greatest sporting event in the world?
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Old 08-19-2013, 05:03 PM   #347
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Re: Joke of the day

No, they're making an awful joke about the Super Bowl not being the greatest sporting event in the world (likely because they don't have a sense of humor or worse, are soccer fans).
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Old 08-19-2013, 07:18 PM   #348
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Re: Joke of the day

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kvitlekh View Post
What about the two posts above, both indicating a different punchline? Are they missing the point too, that the joke isn't about football being the greatest sporting event in the world?
I'm impressed that you missed the point about missing the point!
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Old 08-20-2013, 04:05 AM   #349
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Re: Joke of the day

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kvitlekh View Post
Israeli soldiers don't throw grenades, and certainly don't throw them at passing cars. Palestinian "freedom frighters", aka terrorists, are the ones who throw random grenades and molotov cocktails at passing cars and fire rockets into residential neighborhoods.
I'm not sure if you left a word out, but I can say with authority that Israeli soldiers most definitely DO throw grenades. But since it's a joke thread I can't imagine how you took up this cause in the first place.
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Old 08-20-2013, 04:09 AM   #350
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Re: Joke of the day

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler:
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