I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where heknows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful tohis wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I madelove to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partnerwhipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. “The blind man,” a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, “Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?”

Could have ended the joke there. Nothing like a good pun.

lol

the pun WAS intentional right, I noticed instantly and assumed it was but now im not sure

What's green and has wheels?












grass

(i lied about the wheels)

just read the same version of this joke in maxim 3 days ago

Boudreaux went to Hawaii on vacation,
while he was sitting by the pool he spoke to the man sitting next to him, "My name is Boudreaux, i'm from dat Louziane, i'm here on vacation", "my house it caught itself on fire and i get a lil extra money from insurance man".
The man replied, "interesting, i'm here from California and my house flooded and i used the extra insurance money to come here on vacation also.
Boudreaux said, "Mais dats good, but let me axe you one ting, "How de hell did you start de flood?"

Question; What's better than Roses on your Piano?


Answer; Tulips on your Organ!

what's the point of the accent

authenticity

What do you call a black guy who flies airplanes for a living?













A pilot, you f**king racist!

fyp imo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles..

^^^^^^^made me laugh!

Okay i occassionally will type this joke in the chat box at the poker table when i feel it is appropriate....


What do professional poker players and dogs have in common?

Eventually the dog will stop whining!



^^^^^Dedicated to all the Phil Hellmuths out there!

Oops correction, too much New Years celebration, i guess:

What is the difference between a professional poker player and a dog?

Eventually the dog will stop whining!

How come blondes never learn to waterski?

Cause as soon as they get wet they lie down

How Long is a China man

Bear & Rabbit

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the 7
Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
Grumpy, my son, says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any
dwarf nuns in Rome?
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a
moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in
all of Europe?
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then
answers, No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry
glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf
nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, I'm sorry,
my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap , rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......
Grumpy screwed a penguin!
Grumpy screwed a penguin!
Grumpy screwed a penguin!

LARRY is in Room 232 at the Hospital


Okay, you are asking who in the hell is 'Larry'.

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.' 'A tattoo?' she frowned.
'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking?, she said, shaking her head in disgust. 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital.