I got a text from my next-door neighbor today.

It read:

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months, and I have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.

At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night.

In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.

Regards, Richard

I was so angered and betrayed, that I grabbed my gun, went next door, and shot Richard...killing him.

I went back home, and poured myself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

Just then, I looked at my phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Second text message:

Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all. Regards, Richard

The gun laws in the US just facilitate such short-fused reactions!

My wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that help get an erection. You should have seen the look in her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.

I'm still looking for a place to live.

lolol

This...

What do get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

I don't know, what do get?

Do get a funny nothing?

fyp

lolol

- Did you hear about the Greek cheese company that's been accused of using unscrupulous suppliers to try and cut costs?

- I believe it's a case of unfeta-ed capitalism

Nice pic.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I'M ALWAYS SURPRISED WHEN A HEAVILY TATTOOED COUPLE HAS A BABY AND IT COMES OUT BLANK".

-JIM KANE

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?














Because it was dead.

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her bags. He asks her why and she says that she heard that there were men in Vegas that would pay 500 dollars to do what I do for you for free.

The husband grabbed his suitcase and began packing. She asks him what he thought he was doing.

Prince Charles is isolating at Balmoral with Covid-19.
Prince Andrew is isolating at Windsor with Jennifer-14.

When I saw there's a new post here I figured it's a Corona joke.

and Prince Andrew. Double topical.

An elderly couple were relaxing on the patio and having an adult beverage, reflecting on life. When the husband talks about how they started out, living in a small rundown apartment, had a small crappy black and white tv, an old broke down beater car, but at least he was sleeping with a beautiful young hottie. "Now I live in a mansion, my tv is a home theater, and I drive a beamer, but now I'm sleeping with an old woman." "What's up with that?!"

The wife appears to be sympathetic and understands his frustration. She knows how hard he has worked to get where he is. "So, if you want to once again enjoy the company of a beautiful young hottie and feel young again yourself." "By all means, treat yourself to some of that." "I assure you that you will once again live in a run down apartment, have a crappy tv, and drive a broke down beater car!"

What is the worst profession in the world?

A friend posted this on FB.

I had a busy morning and decided to grab a quick bite...
I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband the following text...

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!!!”

The husband, being a non-romantic sort, replied... “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that the skin on his feet became quite thick and hard.

He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and as a result became quite thin and frail. Due to this diet, he wound up cursed with very bad breath. Therefore, he came to be known as a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.