too passive in which way?

letting her decide how to handle the whole thing.

you should have been more aggressive. if you wanted to go out with her, while she was still being with her ex, you should have asked her to break up with him and told her if she doesnt, this whole thing is not going to work out between you two.

I am not sure how you approached those dates, but being flaked that often should not happen to you. it shoulda been clear when she backed out the first time, that this is not going to happen again.

I can be wrong here but it just seems like that's a little too strong considering we haven't done anything, we're not esp. close, she just likes me and I like her. no?

It might be too strong, but from how I understand the situation:
You like her, she likes you, she has a dumb boyfriend, that she wants to break up with anyways.

So why not go ahead?

I agree with Spurious that you were a bit too passive.. Telling her to break up with her boyfriend straight up is a little aggressive for my style (although I'm sure it works for some), but you could have said something like, "You know, if you do happen to break up with that dbag boyfriend of yours I would love to buy you dinner." Regardless of the particulars, though, you should have been the one leading her (or at least 50-50) and not have left it up to her.

You have to let her know that you're not going to be her back-up boyfriend basically. She can love it or leave it.

One more thing: Are you sure this is your dream girl? Her actions so far sound pretty questionable. She could easily get bored with you the way that she did with the last one and run off. Emotional cheating is still cheating and unethical imo. If you don't like someone any more you break up with them like a normal adult. You don't make plans with guys you like or try to get your boyfriend to break up with you instead of just doing it yourself.. I generally try to stay away from girls like these, as I've come across them in the past.

also i don't think the ex's advice is good for this situation... girls never know what the fk they're talking about when it comes to giving advice to a guy

Siq,

Wish I had more time to analyze your situation, but I need to hit the road.

However:


Women as a universal rule give the most ****ing awful dating advice ever. The above is the STANDARD advice women ALWAYS give in pretty much ANY situation and let me tell you it is absolutely the worst line ever. It's just a terrible move and for whatever reason chicks always recommend it. I highly suggest that you do not listen to any dating advice chicks give you unless she's proven herself to be competent/objective enough to actually analyze what a girl would want and what would provoke attraction... your ex is not this.

Just to prove it to myself one time I took the time to break it down for a girl when she gave me this advice. I structured the situation in her position and played out how I would proceed if I took her advice. She finally said, "Oh my gosh. You're right. That would be an awful move for any guy trying to attract me... and I tell every guy that asks my advice to do that... I really need to stop."

Yeah I would think about this. Maybe you're letting the fact that she is a cool and attractive coverup the possibility that she is a emotional mess. Making your partner break up with you is so shady and immature that I would think this girl is most likely psycho and I would avoid. Also, it sounds like she isn't putting you in the friend zone but rather just got back together with her boyfriend.

SiQ- doesnt sound like she is worth the effort or heartache. I wouldn't pursue anything, just be amicable with her but don't try to set up any dates or go out of your way to hang out with her outside of when you would normally see her. if the girl is willing to do that to one guy, she's likely willing to do it to you to, regardless of how well you think you could treat her.

Was going to post exactly this.

Also agree with Karak in that women give turrrrible advice.

To the people saying Siq should be more aggressive- er no, not really. Shes flaking on him, what is he supposed to do. Its not like hes going to beat the **** out of her everytime she cancels.

This is mostly a girls are crazy situation. Back of a little bit, start hitting on other girls. She will either come around or she wont. Not much else you can do about it.

me (last night before posting in this thread): all i wanted was to be friends and get to know each other. i like you but i don't really know you that well. i'm not trying to jump into a commitment.

her (today): sorry I was sleeping but duh I want to be friends and we're gonna hang out soon text me when you're up if you want





So now what am I supposed to do? send her a text saying I think we shouldn't hang out right now because you need to get over him first or do I just not text anything at all and just keep distance? what do i do when i see her at work (i'll try to avoid it but she works a lot of nights at a place i've been going to very often for years). I'm guessing just being noticeably distant and hitting on other girls like said before.
I just hate to think my last msg did something I didn't want it to and want to fix it now.

Don't text her right away. DO NOT TEXT HER RIGHT AWAY.

Have something that you "had to do" today for a little bit, and text her later. Maybe tonight, maybe tmrw. Just be nonchalante with it imo

noooooooooononononononono!!!! telling her this would be awful imo.

stop telling girl(s) your emotions...

actions speak louder than words

no problem waiting til late tonight/tomorrow to send but what will i be saying?

so what do i do lt22?

man, bitches be crazy

go on with your own life, you can still go the place where she works, let her see you having fun without her, but don't avoid her. you can still act flirty towards her, just don't talk bout your feelings.

as far as what you should text back to her....I don't know, the text about being friends/commitment was cringe-worthy. Her response didn't give you anything to respond to, so I wouldn't bother texting her, especially since you see her IRL often at the pool hall or bar or whatever it's called.

edit: The above is assuming you are looking for a casual relationship, are okay with being friends, and are okay with being hurt by her in the future. Given her behavior with her ex it seems like a good % u will get hurt if you pursued anything greater than a casual relationship. Also, I wouldn't be surprised if she is getting/got back together with her "ex."

Damn I feel like a 15 year old again with all this confuzzling online messaging of girls and such like.

BDK imo

SiQ- just dont text her. especially if you were gonna be at the pool hall or something sometime this week, dont do it. theres no need for you to give into her games by continuing to come back to her every time she flakes/blows you off/etc.

remember, and this has been said before in this thread (and by me) but it is probably the best advice you can get: she is lucky to be able to be with you, not the other way around. if you can remember and apply this statement it will allow you to act aloof, which will both make her more interested and keep you from getting crazy and emotionally involved too fast.

you guys are ****ing awesome. all of you.

i deviated so much from my standard actions with this whole thing because the owner of the pool hall was in my ear every day telling me how into me she was and "youre in, you're golden". the first time she flaked i was just going to leave her alone but he convinced me not to and ask for another chance to hang out.

I'm not going to text/call her at all. if i see her at the pool hall i'll make sure not to start any convos but won't be rude if she does start one, but i'll make sure to not get too into it I think.
I guess i'll start grinding poker again, i can hopefully make a ton of money and use it to keep distance from her / take the whole thing off my mind more.

yeota, that's such great advice. i know it's pretty true. It's actually the reason why it bothers me so much - I know I'm supposed to be a good catch so wtf? it's like a pretty depressing blow.

Looks like you have your head screwed back on correctly again. Nicely done.

I would bet money on that, too.

You'll find someone else easily .

YW

Checking in from Vegas, just hanging in my room and relaxing a bit. To follow up the relevant topic to this thread, there's zero vibe between Girl B (the one with the recently ailing father) and I. She's cool and all, and we get along and flirt a little...but I guess I'm just not feeling it that much. Pretty sure the same is happening on her end, so...I wouldn't expect anything to develop there. No big deal, I'm just not really seeing this as a match now that I've spent more time with her. Naturally I'd still be willing to hook up with her, but again, no vibe, so I have no plans to chase down that much either at this point.

Still having a good time on vacation, even though the blackjack dealers are not being good to me at this point.