But I'd think it makes you gf feel a bit ****ed over when you're not willing to share things with her that you're sharing with many others, don't you?

That said, I laid out my reasons for thinking it would only be a negative to my gf and she said that she actually agreed with them despite never thinking of that before. She only mentioned the shared picture thing on what we're missing out on. Then she asked me to friend her and I did (this was before we were exclusive but after we had been dating for a bit). She left it pending for about 3 days and then came back to me, said she liked my idea, and had me cancel the request.

If some of you could outline the things I am missing out on then I wouldnt mind hearing them.

I agree but yet guys do it. Unless you hide yourself from search and deny having a FB account a girl you start dating is going to want to add you. You can't say no without causing problems. Thus the best way to avoid this is to either not have FB account or have a secret one that only a small number of people have.

I think if you hide yourself from the search then the girl's responsibility to respect not pressing further when you say, 'yes I have one, but hide from search' when she inevitably asks if you have FB.

I mean, I guess it could, but I never really post anything at all. I really just use it to stay friends with people I dont stay in touch with in case I am visiting a place they live or see some major update like a new job, wedding, relocation, etc. All my status updates relate to major world news or sports and come about twice a month and mostly focus on the latter. Like I said in my post after this I think its a net negative but still offered to add her but only after explaining why I thought it was more trouble than its worth.

This is kinda what I do I guess. I have added maybe 10 people a year for the past 3+ or so years since I was a senior in college. I still have about 500 friends from college, HS, and other people I met while in undergrad, but its for the reasons I laid out above about keeping up with major events. I have been hidden from search since I started looking for jobs and internships about 4 years ago.

No. Its really humiliating for a girl who's own boyfriend doesn't wanna be her fb friend. If you never use it, just delete it. I could never date someone who would do that to me.

And yes id take it personally. People talk.

Also sorry for the nonmerge posts, posting from mobile, but I wanna have a very open relationship with someone. Sheltering each other from potential jealousy\threats\etc is stupid. I feel like my bf's friends are my friends and vice versa. We should be able to coexist and be able to deal with others that are in our lives. Because there are "threats" in the real world to relationships and its stupid to say facebook isn't a big deal because newsflash: it is. And yes people get butthurt and I know you think that this solves the problem but it doesn't. Its avoiding it. I think you find out a lot about a person when you see how they interact with others.

why is it humiliating? that makes no sense to me. this seems like a self-esteem issue or an issue with having bad irl friends if this affects you.

Its like loaning money to friends or family. Sure it works out well for both parties sometimes and there is a good feeling associated with doing it, but its a situation that usually ends up casuing a problem at some point. The downside outweighs any small positive that can come out of it. This problem could always be avoided by not doing it in the first place. Same thing goes for friending co-workers.

xbeatax is right. It looks really bad to 3rd parties and despite what anyone says people care about what others think of them.

I don't really see the downside once in a relationship unless one or both people are easily excitable in which case probably a good relationship to end / skill to develop.

I still dont see any concrete examples of why it is bad. Basically the argument for friending is "it would hurt my feelings to do otherwise" and "its not providing full disclosure" which arent really concrete benefits and can be changed by altering how you feel about certain ideas.

Would you expect your boyfriend to tell you about everyone he ever talked to in the past 5 years? do you ask him who he talked to everyday? I am a fairly private person, but it seems unnecessarily needy to want so many details about someone's every interaction even when that person is your bf/gf and presumably one of the most important people in your life.

what kind of people are you guys hanging around that decide to look through your facebook to see if you are friends with your gf? I have never once had the urge to check out a friend's facebook and say "hey I wonder if hes friends with his gf." Its not like I go out publicly and tell my friends about this (or ever mention facebook at all).

I have seen plenty of fights start over things on facebook, but have yet to see someone cite facebook as a reason their relationship blossomed or improved.

My self esteem is fine. Its about pride, respect, and overall desirability. nobody wants to be kept a secret.

I just don't get it. I've never had a problem with facebook. Well, once someone posted "be single again" on one of my pictures but my bf brushed it off. Nothing to defriend each other over.

Pick your battles. Facebook and your friendly interactions with others shouldn't be one of them. If they are, there's a deeper problem there.

this type of thing would lead to a fight with some people (apparently not you, nor myself). or maybe a guy that youre friends with but clearly likes you posts something that your bf construes as flirty on your wall. boom, now he might be jealous or upset over something meaningless that could have been avoided. maybe someone posts an old picture of you at a party hammered with some other guy. this could also lead to a problem with some guys.

who said anything about keeping a secret? Do most of your friends first find out about your boyfriend through facebook? I may be old fashioned by I usually introduce my girlfriend to my friends or mention her in person pretty early on in a relationship.

When you are seeing/hooking up with multiple girls are you guys honest about this with each girl if it ever comes up? The FB discussion makes me think that in a lot of cases guys might allow each chick to believe she is the only one (ie: lying).

Thoughts on this in general?

Also:

Girl you are casually hooking up with leaves your place in the morning. Forgets cell phone. Comes back.

She walks in while you are packing a suitcase (groggy and hungover) and at the time the only thing in the suitcase is ~8 very visable condoms. You don't realize this and have a 10 minute conversation while standing over the suitcase before realizing this.

When you do realize what is right below you (10 mins into convo) and you are unsure if she saw - what is your play?

why is this a battle in your mind? I told my gf my thoughts and concerns and gave her an option of being friends with me. I said that I preferred not to be, but left the decision up to her. She said she liked the idea and went with it. there was no fight. there was no ultimatum. it has been mentioned once in the ensuing months and thats only when she couldnt tag me in her pictures from NYE.

I don't really use FB but yes people will notice that you are not listed in a relationship with her and that you are not friends with her. The two main uses I see in FB is for inviting large groups to an outing and for after a large group outing figuring out the details of who you met. In both those uses I'd notice.

I don't see much value in FB period but if you have it and you exclude your SO that will cause problems and it is going to be seen as very strange. You would be better off not having FB at all.

With respect to lots of fights I would consider looking at why those fights are happening. For guys in serious relationships FB should not be the cause of fights. There is only two reasons for fights resulting from FB -- engaging in behaviour you shouldn't or dating someone who is easily excitable and overreacts. In both cases the problem is not FB.

Don't date people like that. Removing FB does not prevent this type of insane jealousy from manifesting itself.

i still dont understand the appeal of facebook and prob never will

I dont date people like this.

Also, I tend to think the people who would care about being listed as in a relationship on facebook are the same ones who would make a big deal out of things posted that should be non-issues.

Pretty much everyone would care that their serious relations would not acknowledge them on FB. If we took a poll on any female-centric site it would be 99%+ who would have an issue with this. I think even guys you'd likely get 80%+ would be upset if their SO refused to be friends with them on FB.

diskoteque,

I don't either. It is useful if you need to organize a birthday party and it offers a better version of e-mail but that is all the value I see.