Quote:
Originally Posted by katyseagull
I feel sorry for your wife. She's probably very worried at this point. What if you tell her and she's like "oh THAT? Is that all you wanted to tell me?"
Katy wins! To my extreme surprise, my wife reacted 1000 times more calmly than I had. She was actually relieved and ended up reassuring me that everything was fine. So much for me being the "rock" of the family.
One reason this surprised me has to do with our backgrounds. I am from a NYC suburb and am about as cosmopolitan as you can get (for better or worse). She is from a relatively small town in Colorado. My Jewish family openly talked/argued about whatever. Her Catholic family repressed any controversial discussion. If anyone should have been more comfortable with the idea of a bisexual or even gay son, it should have been me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by concerned parent
Before I run out of here for "the discussion," anyone want to offer an opinion whether this kind of issue is more or less difficult for the mother or father as a rule? I assume there is no general rule.
But this might be part of the explanation. If I can generalize, I suspect that it may be more difficult for a father than a mother to deal with the possibility that a son could be gay. I'm not sure why that is. I don't think of myself as homophobic, but maybe I'm kidding myself.
It's also possible that my wife reacted more calmly because she did not have the vivid experience and shock of seeing the images on the computer that I did. Or maybe, seeing my stress, she just naturally assumed the role of the calmer person.
Further, she is more optimistic than I am that our son is merely going through a "questioning phase" and, in the end, will turn out to be a conventional heterosexual. She correctly notes that he is not at all effeminate in his mannerisms. Unlike some gays (I hear), he never preferred the company of girls as a little kid. Maybe those observations are irrelevant. But in any case, she does not think the worst-case scenarios are so bad. Both of us really just want our son to have the chance for genuine, emotional intimacy.
Another dynamic here is that, in retrospect, I think I made the situation worse by keeping it to myself for the past week. This is not meant to criticize anyone who thought I should refrain from discussing it with my wife (particularly given my description of the events). There was good reason for me to hesitate, think everything through carefully, and solicit advice before saying anything.
But without someone to discuss this with (in person), I probably internalized and magnified everything. And it didn't help when I began hearing some personal accounts from gays/bis and their parents; while they were supportive, they often described horror shows about what they had to face.
So, in the end, my wife readily agreed with me that we should not confront my son about the topic for the time being, as he may simply be in a "questioning phase." We agreed to be alert to an opportunity to discuss the subject later, leaving open the possibility of initiating the discussion ourselves.
I'll also note that she completely approved of doing the computer search and thought it should continue periodically (of both kids' computers), just to make sure they're safe. She felt empowered by the information and was glad to have it.
The bottom line: this discussion was a resounding success and I was never happier in my choice for a wife.
And a big "thank you" to everyone here who took the time to read and offer input. It was a big help.