Dogs have been selectively bred to encourage the trait of friendliness. This does not apply to farmer’s dogs, you are lucky to get past one of them without getting your arse bitten.

Bit of Andrea
She went with her boyfriend to a scrapyard to find a replacement part for her car. The man in charge said “They are in aisle 3 , they are three high.”
After a moment she ran after her boyfriend and said “ This is a waste of time, my car isn’t a 3i”

Why I can’t ever dislike my boss:-
We formed quite a close bond, my bosses boss said “It’s like she is working with her dad” ,
My boss said “Be fair its, more like she’s working with her big brother.“

Why kindness is worth it:-
We managed to lose quite a lot of rare earth salts, which are very expensive.
When the manager came around the operator, who we were friendly with, looked up at the storage pot and said “Quite a lot in there, maybe even more than there was yesterday “

Chrissie(2)
Jean and Chrissie were roommates when they were junior nurses.
When so drunk that she was about to vomit she would say to Jean “Can you pass us the sink love”
She went on to become a senior administrator for one of England’s most important cancer hospitals.
After a 20 year hiatus they met up again, Jean spotted her approaching and just said “Here comes the girl “

Hypochondriac is always used as a term to make fun of someone, but how terrible must it be to think that you are seriously ill all the time?

Apparently it is possible to live without underwear, but you have to be prepared to put up with some chaffing

This may explain why the #MeToo movement is needed
Heidi once told me “ I can’t remember what he did to me, but whatever it was I couldn’t stop him”

Anyone else been dragged into the women’s lavatories so that the girl can tell you that they are pregnant, and then go on to help to sort out an abortion for them?
Not my baby by the way.

One more Andrea story. When we were in St Petersburg she asked “What’s all this thing about old men with young girlfriends about?” I told her “Money; unless you have been poor you won’t know how important it is, when you have been hungry for a week you will realise “

Woke up in the middle of the night again.
My sense of humour is based on “Northern Camp”
This is based on the use of understatement and overstatement.
Examples
“That inevitable heat death of the universe could become a bit of a annoyance”
“I have ran out of pepper , I may as well slit my wrists and end it all now”

F**k
How is it that a word that describes the best thing that you can do in life is also used as way to describe what you would like to do to someone you dislike?

Previous post based on one of my finer efforts
When I see F**k the police, I aways think “Yeah you probably should, it will take their minds off beating people up for a bit”

If anyone spots me posting something without inappropriate sexual humour in it feel free to infract me
Man goes to his neighbours place and finds his previously perfect lawn ripped up.
“Wow John what happened? , I thought everyone around here respected your “No ball games” sign.
“Eunuch convention”

Since I seem to have to have That Heartless Bastard Dominics (T.M) permission to post anything.
What do you think about this?
I was thinking of posting a link to “Uh ohh I’m in trouble“ in the music thread. I hope that the fact that the video features grown up women dressed up as schoolgirls stands in my favour.

I wondered where I had heard that before.
When listening to “This sensual world “ I heard Kate Bush making a rumbling noise when singing her “R”s After a while I remembered “Edith Piaf - Non, Je ne regrette rien“

Nurses are not always the world’s nicest people. When Jean was dying she was meant to keep a record of her fluid intake, being very confused she filled in the card incorrectly.
When one of the nurses found out about this she deliberately tore up the card in front of Jeans eyes while grinning.
Being a coward, instead of drop kicking the ***** I just told the sister in charge of the ward that some of her staff had training issues.

Looking back at my posts in the LC thread I would rate myself a solid B+, a bit of repetition but good attention to punctuation.

However I have made one unforgivable mistake. When mentioning Ingrid Bergman I forgot about Audrey Hepburn. She makes Ingrid look like someone who has been in a car crash and is waiting for reconstructive surgery on her face.

Just posted a Wings song, provoked a few thoughts.
If Linda and Paul were not deeply in love they deserve an Oscar for their acting ability.
Introduced to Wings by my best friend at school, he would regularly beat me up.
He told me “I went out with Jane , she told everyone that we had done it in a barn, we didn’t ... well actually we did”

Keeping up my inappropriate sexual innuendo quota
This is inspired by the “What’s the deal with sandwiches” thread in OTT
We ordered Subs for lunch, they were quite large.
After she had finished hers Andrea said “I don’t know how I fitted such a big thing into my little mouth “
She knew exactly what she was doing

Apparently Debbie Harry’s dealer used to refer to her as “Pension Fund”

I may come across as an arrogant bastard, this is because I am one.
I still seem to get along with everyone I meet from tiny timid women to large violent men. A small gap in the pattern is “Rugby club “ types, I think that this is because my physical beauty and intellectual strength makes them feel inadequate

Oops I did it again
In the Music thread I posted “Sharp Dressed man “ It is a very good song but it is bad advice, somebody could get a nasty cut if you go around clothed like that

If you don’t fall in love with her as soon as you see her I pity you , look her up.
Best name ever?

Honeysuckle Hero Susan Weeks

Two examples of circular logic
“Endearment “ is one of the most endearing words in the language
My fear of death is one of the main reasons that I want to kill my self

Viv Richards is the most intimidating sportsman ever.
After he had missed a few balls the bowler tried to wind him up by saying “Look Viv, this is the ball , it’s red, round and weighs 6 ounces”
After he had got his eye in Viv hit the ball out of the ground and said “You know what it looks like, now go and find it “

If that Bastard Dominic (T.M) ever trys to get me silenced in the music thread he can go and **** himself