Names and the way that you use them.
Everyone refers to the late Mr Hunt as Nick, except for his wife who always refers to him as Nicholas.
She keeps rescue chickens
First time I was aware of her was when we were stuck in the snow on the bus and she started to sing her head off.

After Zoe mentioned that she had indulged in a slightly different act of physical love with her boyfriend in a room full of men someone asked her if she was embarrassed, she just said “It’s only sex, everyone does it”

Because the stupid bastards had forgot to take any O rings to site with them they just joined the pipes together. This meant that when we started the sequence water started pissing out everywhere. Sadly for me I was tasked with stopping this, and the only place I could do this was under a pipe joint that was leaking like flip. Should have taken some shampoo with me.

Fairy sure that this is a repost.
When Ireland were playing Scotland in Ireland at rugby I met a bunch of Irish guys in Edinburgh
“What are you doing over here when the game is in your own country?”
“All the Scottish boys are over there, so we thought that their girls may be lonely”

If you are unfortunate to have your trouser belt break, do not tie a piece of string all the way around the waist, instead use small sections of string to tie the belt loops together and tighten the until the trousers fit. Cable ties work
Even better .

Life tip

If you are owed a substantial sum of money and payment is overdue follow the following four step process

Step 1 Quizzical:

“I have been checking my accounts and noticed that I have not been paid for the work that I did for you, is there more information that you require, or is there a problem at your end”

Step 2 Assertive:

“I have supplied all the information that you require, could you please arrange payment as soon as possible”

Step 3 Politely Agressive

“I am disappointed with your response so far, this has gone on for far too long, am I afraid that if I don’t receive payment within 14 days I may have to take legal action.

Step 4 Legal action and/or a bit of blackmail.

Take legal action, and if possible, add a bit of blackmail

“I know a lot of people in this industry, and I am aware of the incident when you increased the price you were charging your client but did not inform the contractor who was doing the work for you.”

I have never had to go beyond step 3, but I may have to with those bastards H******

“I can’t quite remember if I am forgetful or not” is a very dense sentence, it contains two descriptions plus an example of the condition that you are suffering from.

I don’t normally believe in “deep state “ conspiracy theories, but what other explanation is is there for the fact that I have got to sixty years of age before finding out the the function of the Sigmoid colon is to allow you to fart?

Vital information is being withheld from us.

“Teach me Anatomy” has more useful information in parentheses

The colon has numerous important anatomical relations in the abdomen ….
…..The Sigmoid colon has:-

Urinary bladder
Uterus and upper vagina (females only)

The main problem with getting 72 virgins in the afterlife as a reward for living a correct life on earth is that unless you pace yourself very, very carefully, you wil be spending an awful lot of time with 72 bitter ex-virgins.

So, you think that you are having a bad day:-

BBC Headline

“ Man sits on toilet, gets bitten by python ”

I am polishing some metalworker using som Brasso Wadding. The ingredients are listed as “ C8–10 Alkane/Cycloalkane/Aromatic Hydrocarbons, Quartz, C14–18 and C16–18 unsaturated Fatty acids, Kaolinite, Aqua, Ammonium Hydroxide and Iron Hydroxide”

The package states that it is “Extremely toxic to aquatic life”. I think that this is the manufacturer’s way of breaking it to us gently that is actually highly toxic to all forms of life that exists, has ever existed, will ever exist, and could possibly come to exist in an alternate universe.

My revolutionary communist ideals were infused into me as a paperboy. Due to child labour laws(some sentimental nonsense based on not sending children up chimneys, I believe) we were only allowed to work six days a week. This lead to the “Sunday Lad”, a boy or girl who only delivered papers on Sundays. Since this was the one day of the week when people were at home and awake when the papers were delivered, this meant that they got the lions share of the Xmas tips. The grabbing, greedy, godawful capitalists refused to share with the people who did the majority of the work.

Sorry if I’m going on a bit, that Brasso is good stuff.

“Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance” has been updated to keep up with advances in technology.
It now reads, in full:-
“Plug in the diagnostic computer, do what it tells you to, I dunno where Buddha comes into it.”

I should admit to my fear of obsolete office equipment, but I can’t face up to the fax.

The expression “Got him on the back foot” was first used in reference to Achilles.

I don’t know if anyone else has suffered this issue, but I will occasionally buy food with cooking instructions like “Grill for twenty minutes, turning occasionally “. Well, whenever I occasionally turn, I can’t see how the food is cooking.

“There’s a fine line between love and hate” is a very silly statement.
I would not call the line between adoring someone and wanting to do everything in your power to make them happy, and wanting to punch someone in the snozer a particularly fine one.

Life tip:-

Save time by not clicking on links titled something like “This amazing cleaning hack will transform your life”. Without exception they will involve the use of baking side and/or white vinegar.

If you ever despair of the human race, try to remember that they deliberately bred a small dog (The Lancashire Heeler) specifically to bite cows legs. No other being has ever conceived of such a thing, let alone put in the effort to make it happen.

I honestly have no idea why a shortcut to the WebMD page on “Anal Fissure” has appeared on the “Frequently visited” page of my browser.

I just bought a new toaster, it came in a box with the slogan “Turn on your creativity” .I am going to make toast with it.

Another climate extreme, it’s 14C(57F) in Lerwick.
“Aye man, those lightweight waterproofs the lasses are wearing over their thick jeans and jumpers are practically see-thru”
“Aue laddie, if it weren’t for the the multiple layers of thermal underwear, you could practically see everything they have got”.

I am not one for mocking other forums, but if any regular poster in BFI has ever had sexual relations it would only have been with themselves, and even then it would have been done reluctantly, out of a sense of duty.

Since we will inevitability have to either exist for ever or not exist for ever, beer was invented to distract us from these unpleasant thoughts by giving us different things to think about, such as flatulence, or worrying about liver disease.