I am a very respectful person, for example I would never think of saying “I have spent my working life travelling the world dealing with problems the will cause large economic loss or even danger to life whereas some people seem to have spent their lives living in their mommy’s basement perfecting their masturbation technique “

Actually a supportive post from the quitting alcohol thread, but
“ Your dire circumstances won’t impress anyone either, as we have all been there to an extent (many of us to a much greater extent). ”
What part of hearing your wife whisper “I’m terrified “ while she is dying from cancer have you missed mate?

We are all trying to help Rose, a stunningly beautiful and clever young woman who tries to ease her mental pain by taking a mind numbing amount of barbiturates that means that she will be unlikely to make it till 25.

Dominic Cummins use of the phrase “Lions led by donkeys “ reminds me that if this was the case surely the lions would have pounced on the donkeys and eaten them.

Paul McCartney obviously adored Linda, but his second wife didn’t have a leg to stand on. My mistake, she did have one.

Nathan and his friends were told to “Keep the noise down “ at a Deep Purple concert.

Mary and the Rolls Royce
Her brother was a very successful lawyer, he brought her a car on the understanding that she would not start smoking (she smoked her head off when he wasn’t around)
He would also let her borrow his Roller from time to time.
When she was out with Jean and a couple of friends they realised that they needed to refuel the car.
The garage staff were understandingly suspicious of a bunch of teenage girls scrambling to find the money to pay for fuel while driving a Rolls Royce and called the police. They contacted Mary’s brother who just said “That’ll be my sister and her mates”

He also lent her the car when she went on a tour of France. Thinking that they had some rich clients the staff would pour out, and behave in an obsequious manner, only to be told “l am on the Sun holidays for a tenner promotion”

Imagine my surprise when the driver of the open topped Mercedes with the number plate CLA55Y turned out to be an underdressed middle aged woman with bleached blonde hair.
Her husband was jailed for fraud a little later.

If you visit Cornwall (which I would recommend) expect women to call you “My handsome “ or “My lovely “. I commend this practice

Moving cheese production is made difficult because a large part of the unique flavour of the cheeses is caused by the bacteria that infect the factory.

The east Cheshire hospice is a great institution, while Jean made the foolish decision to die from cancer I asked the staff if I could go outside to have a cigarette they said “Of course you can” . I then had a discussion with a dying man about the best bet in the grand national.

Fecal Impaction improved my sex appeal. Not only did people keep
sticking their fingers up my bottom, but I have also been inundated with requests for hook ups from sexy ladies from Stoke on Trent.
The only problem with this theory is that there are no sexy ladies in Stoke, all the girls there are pig ugly.

I don’t mind a little vitriolic personal abuse, but please keep it in this thread.

When I read “Pilot dismissed for lewd act in the cockpit “ I immediately thought, what else should you do in a “Cockpit” , keep a respectful distance? Come on, the the clue is in the title.

From Viz magazine
“The fact that most stalkers don’t do any physical harm must be of some comfort to the 50% of the Beatles that haven’t been shot or stabbed “

Phone messages
“Do you want to take me from behind right now?”
“Not really duck,I’m trying to get a bit of kip”

Probably because I am old , but canines should be referred to as Pooches or Mutts, not dogoes.

Never been unfaithful in my life. Except with Wendy, if you saw her you would understand why I gave into temptation.

I am always available to provide proof of work. Wendy was the daughter of Barbara , a bar maid at the Royalty in Sunderland

My insomnia is a bit of a problem , but I’m not going to lose any sleep over it.

Old folk at the doctors
“I don’t like that Dr Thomson”
“Neither do I, but you have got to admit that she is very good when you have something wrong with you “

Free the Macclesfield one!
Samson has been jailed for committing the crime of being a good boy.
Luckily all his jailers love the empty headed little bugger.

Forget the name of the phenomenon, but people who you love are stored in the same compartment of your brain which can cause you to get their names confused.
Examples
When chiding us mum would almost always refer to the culprit as “Anthony, Micheal, Partrick!”
The lovely Andrea once accidentally referred to me as “Mum”

We traveled down to the hotel near to site the evening before so that we could get an early start. We agreed to meet up at 6.0 pm for a beer and a burger.
When we met the first thing that he said to me was “They have barred porn in their internet connection " This was information that I didn’t really need,

Matt once took both hands off the wheel to point out the spot where he had crashed before. I found this process a little concerning.