We needed to run the cleaning cycle on a waste tank. The project manager went to pop his head into it to check how dirty it was before we started.
He said “Don’t start the clean before I’ve finished”
After a while Samantha said “He must be a real slow old man if he hasn’t finished by now” and pressed the start button.
When he turned up in the control room covered in filth she just said “Well, slow old man I guess “

Adien again
I don’t think that he was the easiest person to live with, he once phoned his wife in the afternoon to tell her not to expect him home that evening because he would be working in China for the next six weeks.

Completely without shame. I was waiting to start the system when I got a message from him “Hang on a second, we have a problem with the Inverter set up” Four hours later he called and said “Fixed, we are good to go” 2 minutes later I got another call “What is this ****ing delay about?”

He was not allowed to stay away from home because of playing around a little, he had to drive 300 miles a day to get to and from work.

For the picky the events here are all true, but are not in chronological order

Cross post from the OTT thread

Re: Ask me about being an airline pilot or flying in general
I was once plied with free drink by a Scandinavian air hostess who had lost her clothes.

Not only is this true, I have also been plied with raw carrots by a Danish air hostess who was obviously in a hurry to get home in time for dinner

The heist
After returning from a trade exhibition with a van full of champagne Laurence managed to steal it all by pretending to go home for lunch and then sneaking back under the fence and removing it all.
His comment was “The drinking that summer was good”

Danos is probably the wisest and most gentle person I’ve met, makes Dumbledore look like a stupid thug.
1. Bites the back of his hand when thinking.
2. Once told me that the happiest days of his life were when he worked 12 hours a day doing physically exacting work in a warehouse, he said “All I could do was work, eat and then sleep, didn’t leave any time for worrying about anything”
3.Being human he is capable of prejudice, he is Greek/Cypriot so this was directed towards Turkish people.In Israel “Turkish coffee “ is a common drink, he always referred to it as “Israeli coffee “. He is self aware enough to know that this prejudice is irrational, and he would never act upon it.

I have never been in favour of racism. What sealed the deal for me was sitting on a train next to a family who spent the entire journey laughing at the accent of the Asian guy doing the announcements. I just thought “Jesus, can’t you think of anything better to do with your time on earth?”

My unfailingly respectful treatment of women probably explains my lack of action over the years

It is possible to be too sensitive to the feelings of others.
I walked with a disabled guy to his car. He was struggling a bit to get his wheelchair and himself into the car. I thought “I best not intervene, he has done this many times before and he will find any intervention patronising” After a second or two he said “Come on, give me a hand you stupid *****”

Contracts can be odd. We were once refused the payment due for starting a job while they also agreed to the payment due for its successful completion

Kids say the sweetest things
Saw a five year old girl trying to make friends with a girl of the same age. The other girl was a bit shy.
She said “What’s your name “ - silence
“Come on what’s your name sweetheart “ - silence
“Do you wash your tongue ?“

I like cheese, but you Yanks seem to be obsessed with it.
“Just a plain burger please, nothing on it”
“What sort of cheese do you want on that?”

Danish people
1 Like liquorice
2 Are very good map makers

Why we love ‘em (continuing series)
Since it was her sisters 18th birthday party Daisy must have be just over 16 at the time.
She was secluded in her bedroom when her father shouted up to her “Are you going to come downstairs and join us all?”
“OK dad , but can you stand at the bottom of the stairs in case you need to catch me, we sneaked a bottle of vodka up here and I am a bit wobbly “

Not only have I seen things that you wouldn’t believe, I have seen things that you wouldn’t believe even if I supplied irrefutable photographic evidence

People may think that I am a bit obsessed with women.
Two possible reasons for this
1. I have been widowed for just over two years
2. Take a look outside, there are hundreds of the beggars cluttering the place up

Quick thought
Queen are only saved from being put on the ignore list by having the world’s greatest ever frontman and one of the world’s best guitarists

Z is a lucky ****
He runs a animal hospital/wildlife sanctuary.
When we were on vacation a few of us had the “What would you do if you won the lottery
“ conversation. He said “Pretty much the same as I do now, maybe buy a nicer car”
He looks like a member of ZZ Top
When he and Jean met they would rub noses, they called this “The meeting ritual “

Tales of tightwads
1. Steve did a great job of holding together a creaking system, the Engineering Manager told him that he owed him a meal for this. He fulfilled his promise by taking Steve out to his mum and dads place for dinner.
2.Another Engineering manager took a German software guy back home for a meal after they had worked so late that all the restaurants were closed. He presented him with an invoice for the ingredients the next day
3. Brother no 2 became vegetarian in the late 90s After mum died in 2014 he found 15 lb of pork sausages in the freezer. “Waste not, want not” he thought and ended up eating them all

I put Alan in hospital after a drunken bout of arm wrestling. He is much more physically capable than me so I tried the obvious ploy of knocking his arm away using my free hand. He soon tired of this and said to me “Stand up and I’ll knock seven bells out of you” As we both stood he lost his balance and fell backwards, landing on his glass and causing severe lacerations to his buttocks.
I went round the next day to apologise, he said “It’s fine, but I am a bit sad that I have put a hole in my favourite dressing gown”

When someone made the quotation marks signal with their fingers Alan thought “Why are you doing rabbit impressions “

Quick apology, when I said Kate Bush never made anything but masterpieces I forgot about “Them Heavy People”
I will be offering a discount on industrial strength ear cleaner to anyone unable to get the sound of this dreck out of their head

The only thing that I regret about my life is it’s entirety

In dreams.
Post apocalypse scenario.

I saw a group of survivors living in the woods and thought “Most people are dead, why don’t you find a house, chuck out any corpses, and you are in clover “

We found a place that had physical security, communications and power. The first thing everyone did was to put their phone on charge.

A tale of two Chrissies part 1
C1 is a platinum blonde, this is useful when you go to get food/drink in a crowded auditorium as you can always spot her and find your way back to your seat.

She gently directed a group of children to the play facilities, then said “I hate kids” Minutes later a straggler asked where his friends were, again she gently gave him directions. She then said “I could have smacked his ****ing head in”