Warning this post contains actual emotions.

The loss of your life partner does not extinguish sexual desire, this is very hard to come to terms with.

Sorry, bit of a moment there. Tomorrow I will be discussing the vexed subject of the British word “Arse” versus the American “Ass”

A friend once told me about a slightly embarrassing situation. She and her boyfriend were making love when her Great Dane entered the room, sniffed her boyfriend’s anus and then left.

A thought just struck me. Why is it considered impolite to wish death upon someone? Are there people who are immortal unless others desire them not to be?

#Inevitabilityofceasingtoexist

Sorry but arse vs ass has been delayed. However a short preview

“.... Although ass has it’s uses, I have a preference for the more rounded, dare I say more “buttocky” word arse ....”

If we all band together and start calling pi “Three and a bit” instead of using a special symbol we can undermine the pretentious bastards sense of self importance.

... it’s doomed to fail, like trying to feed a baby anchovies....

As promised more of my gutter mind, if you have a pure and innocent mind please stop reading now.

Necessary background information “Peter Storm” is the name of a fairly well known UK maker of hiking clothing.


I needed to inform a customer that the Peter Storm trousers that he had ordered were no longer available due to stock issues. As I was typing the message I realised that I had accidentally put the name “Peter North” instead of “Peter Storm “. Many of you with sullied minds will know that he is a well known adult film actor. I breathed a sigh of relief as I corrected my typing error. This was not quite the end of the matter. I then thought, “Well it could have been worse, if the reason why I could not dispatch the item was because I had noticed a stain I would have mentioned “Peter North stained trousers”.

I had to go and listen to the innocent and charming song “I am not in love” by 10cc in order to cleanse my mind of this thought.

For supper I will be using some left over chicken to make a pie, using a recipe that I found called “Spanish style chicken pie”. I will be omitting the Spanish elements; thinking of calling the results “Chicken pie”

Life tip.

I saw an ad for air freshener which stated that it covers up the odours caused by urine and faeces being deposited on your soft furnishings when you flush the lavatory. Try closing the lid before flushing instead of trying to disguise the smell of **** and piss with perfume.

Life tip #2

Do not try to post newspapers referring to the “Snowball” process, or any similar process, to the Russian Federation, they are prohibited items.

After far too many years I have just realised that “The correct use of the apostrophe “ can just go **** itself.

Poets are lovely and all that, but don’t rely on their advice.

“ Birth, and copulation, and death. That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks”

Please do not include brass tacks in any of these activities, maybe just use them to hang pictures with?

Whilst in a contemplative mood I said to my dog, “What is to become of us Samson, eh? Dust, that’s what, mud if it rains”

I have been avoiding the unpleasant subject of genital warts for too long, is it necessary for me to provide pictures?

Trying to sell cheap boots to a madwoman was not the best idea that I ever had.

... he was at that difficult time of a young man’s life when sexual immaturity approaches ...

Two facts:-

1. The BBC predicts that Britain is set to face a turkey shortage.
2. In eight hours I will be changing the control of the refrigeration system for a major distributor of chilled and frozen turkeys.

Coincidence?

Since all involved have shuffled off the mortal coil this isn’t going to happen, but can you imagine how good “Singin’ in the Purple Rain” would have been?

The only good thing about the song “Golden Brown” by The Stranglers is that it is possible that there are alternative universes in which it does not exist.

No word exists for the pleasure one feels when watching someone struggling to spell “schadenfreude”

Another life tip.
Unless you enjoy it do not waste your money on colonic irrigation, if your gut contains months old faecal matter your entire body would be rotting from the inside and you are going to be dead very shortly, I can think of much better things to do with my last few days on earth than having someone squirt water up my bum with a hose.

Talking about bottoms. The 1970’s brought about many changes, one change that I remember fondly was Agnetha Fältskog redefining the concept of buttocks. Her full name is Agnetha Åse Fältskog, which somehow seems appropriate.

My mind seems to have descended from the gutter to the sewer, my profound apologies to the delicate natured amongst you all.

Two ways of saying that a statement is unlikely to be true:-

“ Are bears catholic?”
“ Does the Pope **** in the woods?”