Rebels Ruminations - Page 13 - The Lounge Discussion and Review on Literature, Arts, Culture

Alan Coren

If you have read “The restaurant at the end of the universe” you will remember the cow that wanted to be eaten. This idea was almost certainly inspired by Alan Coren’s observation of being disconcerted by animated food items in American Commercials that expressed their desire to be eaten by you.

How to remember a shopping list including food, Refrigerator repair materials and mouthwash.

“Soup, a cauli, fridge elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis”

On being observed by an American child when he was shaving using a non-electric razor
“Mom!, Dad! He’s cutting his face off with a knife”

He was very fond of his home town of Cricklewood”.

Last edited by Rebelp; 10-01-2020 at 05:52 PM. Reason: Not going to correct it at the minute, but the first full paragraph is an abomination

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10-01-2020 , 05:57 PM

#304

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I was thinking this morning about what would happen if latent heat of vaporisation did not exist. Bad things, that’s what would happen, real bad things..

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10-01-2020 , 06:53 PM

#305

Rebelp

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Do you call this ! An exclamation mark, or an exclamation point?
Mark my words, whichever you do is pointless!

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10-01-2020 , 07:06 PM

#306

Rebelp

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“Memories of an amnesiac” is the shortest autobiography that I have ever read.

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10-02-2020 , 05:56 AM

#307

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Punctuation is important.

From “Why do fools fall in love?”

“Why do birds sing so gay?”

Versus:-

“Why do birds sing? So gay!”

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10-02-2020 , 07:22 AM

#308

Rebelp

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The BBC recently published an article with the headline “Swearing parrots removed from public display”. Since the headline contains all the information that anyone could need to know I doubt that anybody has read the article itself.

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10-02-2020 , 08:10 AM

#309

Rebelp

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I do like a nice bit of viciously inappropriate humour. Looks like today is my lucky day.
All joking aside ... nope, that isn’t possible.

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10-03-2020 , 05:21 PM

#310

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When I was posting a link to Katherine Jenkins singing in the music thread I could not help thinking “Jesus Christ, what a spectacularly beautiful woman”.

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10-03-2020 , 06:28 PM

#311

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It is getting rather late for me, but tomorrow I will be posting my thoughts on the poets who I feel would have been most likely to make an obscene sexual suggestion to someone that they had only just met.

Last edited by Rebelp; 10-03-2020 at 06:29 PM. Reason: The results will amaze you!!

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10-04-2020 , 05:52 AM

#312

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Here we go:

Number 5.

e e cumm.... only joking folks.

Number 5.

Sylvia Plath - an obvious, uncontroversial start.

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10-04-2020 , 05:58 AM

#313

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Number 4

T. S. Elliot.

“OI! Missus , it’s not only my life that I’ve measured out with coffee spoons, know what I mean? Eh? Know warra mean. No offence “

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10-04-2020 , 06:02 AM

#314

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Number 3

Irish poets.

Foul minded, sexually incontinent inebriates the lot of ‘em.

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10-04-2020 , 06:11 AM

#315

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Number 2.

Anonymous, to protect the victims identity.

“Sis, I’ve just been watching ‘All in the family’ and it gave me an Idea, What if you ....? And then I ....”

Last edited by Rebelp; 10-04-2020 at 06:12 AM. Reason: I suppose I should pull this one, it does not meet the criteria that I set out.

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10-04-2020 , 06:22 AM

#316

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Number 1.

William Wordsworth.

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a girl,
A dairy maid, with smashing tits,
I wonder if she’ll do the splits?

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10-04-2020 , 04:47 PM

#317

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I see to have descended into puerile jokes, I only intended to descend to the juvenile level.

I think it was Oscar Wilde who said “Sexual congress is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves someone else unsatisfied. What more can one want?”

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10-04-2020 , 04:49 PM

#318

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Tomorrow I will provide a list of chaste playwrights.

Last edited by Rebelp; 10-04-2020 at 04:51 PM. Reason: You won’t believe what they look like now!

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10-04-2020 , 04:53 PM

#319

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You many have noticed that I am experimenting with cross-platform marketing, and also “Clickybait”

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10-05-2020 , 09:55 AM

#320

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Number 5 - William Shakespeare.

No list of playwrights would be complete without “The Bard of Avon” , but the fact that his wife was pregnant when they married costs him in the chastity stakes, hence the lowly ranking.

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10-05-2020 , 09:56 AM

#321

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Number 4 - Samuel Becket.

Brewers droop

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10-05-2020 , 10:03 AM

#322

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Number 3 - Oscar Wilde.

One would have thought that with his wit and charm he would be a big hit with the ladies, but inexplicably this was not the case.

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10-05-2020 , 10:04 AM

#323

Rebelp

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Number 2 - George Bernard Shaw

Unable to find his genitals due to the size of his beard.

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10-05-2020 , 10:09 AM

#324

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Number 1 - Arthur Miller

Famous quote

“Why have burgers when you’ve got steak at home? Which reminds me I will need to call in for some tomatoes on the way home, loves a fried tom with her steak does Mal”

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10-08-2020 , 07:11 AM

#325

Rebelp

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Yesterday I learned that a make of remote controlled chastity belt has a security flaw, allowing hackers to lock the belt without the permission of the owner. This came as as surprise to me, I had always assumed that the manufacturers would be very security conscious.

Looking at the accompanying map of users I noticed that the device is popular worldwide, excepting Antarctica(too cold I presume) and Southern Ireland (nun related?)

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