My condition may be improved. Sense of humour now at juvenile rather than infantile.

By me accidentally sitting on the remote the TV came up with the message “To view this channel you need to upgrade your package “

“I know that I am not particularly well hung, but surely there’s no need to broadcast the fact on TV”

My kindness sometimes pays off.
The two girls behind the bar were treated with contempt by the usual insecure arseholes. I of course treated them with respect.
When I fell deeply asleep and missed the fire alarm they made sure that the fire brigade came to my room and evacuated me from the building.

Someone needs to explain to birds that although they have the largest genetic relationship with dinosaurs they have evolved into easily beaten balls of fluff.
This does not apply to seagulls, one glance from which would send T Rex running away in terror.

More on process control engineering general incompetence of.
Despite only having a month’s experience in the field I took a quick glance at a cardboard packaging machine, which had been installed by people with many years experience
“Well Roy, we are going to have a few problems with this heap of ****”
“Why’s that ?”
“Well, for a start as soon as the load starts to rotate it will break the light curtain and trigger the e-stop”

At one brewery a slight mistake by the electrician caused the entire perimeter fence to become electrified to 240 volts.
They became rather strict with their safety protocols after that.

I did think that the quitting alcohol thread was about about a bunch of drunks trying to support each other , and I find 27Offsuits response of further isolating someone who is obviously deeply troubled and struggling with alcohol withdrawal inappropriate.

Further note
When challenged to produce evidence, I either do so or admit that I was wrong. I have never used my petty authority to silence my opponent.

The Angel of Macclesfield
During my recent hospitalisation I became extremely disoriented due to severe alcohol withdrawal, and I discharged myself. A young woman noticed my distress and when she realised that I was incapable of navigating myself she took ten minutes out of her time to walk me down to the convenience store where I bought some alcohol which relieved my symptoms.
She also said “Are you thirsty?” after I replied “Yes” she gave me a bottle of water .
This contrasts starkly with certain members of this forum who try to make things worse for people who are suffering when then they should be helping them. I do know that the intellectual coward will never engage with me without having a built in advantage.

Jet lag
“I wish that I would want to go to sleep at a normal time, rather than all the ****ing time”

Given that the yanks drive on the wrong side of the road I had to to remind my boss
“You need to move to the left, no not that left, the other one”

Got a bit peckish so had a few Ginger nut biscuits.I allowed Samson half a biscuit, since he he is Ginger but has been castrated and has no nuts I found this funny.

Rob is a complete psychopath. Matthew despite being about twice his size walked 12 miles to his own house on a freezing cold winter night rather than share a room in Robs house as they had agreed beforehand.

When he gets in a romantic relationship he gets obsessed, he took time off work using the excuses of mental distress that his new girlfriend had told him that her devastated previous boyfriend had told her

Obsessed by reptiles he nearly killed the boss because the boss had been in China and made a joke about eating snakes.

Once got so drunk the he defacated in his pants while sat at the bar.

Aggressively propositioned the lovely Andrea at the works Xmas party.

No one seemed to notice the two year gap in his CV was due to the fact that he had been in jail

On a more cheerful note the lovely Andrea said to Matthew “I haven’t got a nasty bone in my body “
Matthew replied “Would you like one?”
Then then both went bright red in the face.

Apologies
When I went to the local store the girl correctly told me that I had to follow the correct one way route. I muttered “I have only come in to get a packet of cigs”. As soon as as I realised what I had done I went back to her and apologised. Like a grown person should.

Tony is one of my best friends and hilarious company. However when working for the soup company he did come up with a shortcut in the cooking process that put the health and lives of thousands of people at risk, which counts against him a bit.

When working in Germany I physically and mentally prepared myself for what I was sure was going to be a 20 hour plus shift by going out and eating a Currywerst. Best decision of my life

When one of the guys I was working with cut his hand nearly in half when using a grinding disk the electrician I was working with burst out laughing. He told me “I don’t know why I do that, I can’t help myself. I did it once when my boss hurt himself, I didn’t last long in that job”

UK brewers , especially the smaller ones still use archaic measures.
One of my colleagues made a small error in sequencing.
I was told “We dropped 120 barrels down the drain “
“Oh well, not too bad then”
“That’s about £50,000 worth of beer”

I think that the internet misses out on some of the subtle ways that humans interact with each other. I seem to have annoyed people on the internet, whereas in real life everyone that I know seems to think that I am a kind person who makes them laugh.
Alternative theory is that you a a bunch of humourless bastards.

A rather delicate situation arose when I went to site after a year or so away. The chief engineer, who was one of the nicest people that I have ever worked with had been suffering with lung cancer, and was not on site.
I said “Sorry, but I have to ask this how is Andy doing?”
“He’s dead “

When asked if we could reengineer a system that charged submarine batteries at about 800 amps but was collapsing to the point that they had to keep the case off the controlling computer because it was overheating I replied “I think we’ll take a pass on this one”
The conductor was a 1/4 inch square of copper.

Kids today are over protected.
We used to play a game of “King of the hill” where you got thrown down a hill covered in barbed wire, which could come a little keen.

Machines are not forgiving or capable of being bullshitted. When I pointed out that the turntables had been installed incorrectly and would deliver the loads in the wrong orientation the project manager apparently said “That Irish bastard has grassed me up”. Was he expecting them to suddenly adjust themselves to orientate the loads correctly?

As someone who is ancient enough to remember rotary dial telephones I do wonder why the British authorities chose 999 as the emergency number, seeing as this would take the longest time to dial. What part of “emergency “ did they miss?

My mind has been wandering lately. Since it came back covered in dirt and grass cuttings I presume it went to the park.