If you are not a poop fan skip this.
The stools that I passed after having an enema were horrible stinky piles of poop.
The one I passed unaided first was the most horrific thing that I have seen in my life.
I have seen Barry Manilow, so I do know what I am talking about in the “Horrific “ class

Molesworth quote
If you have a quiet half hour with one of your dear companions like peason or gillibrand what is nicer than a game of snakes and ladders? Aktually quite a number of things are nicer like a film of marilyn monroe a quiet cig or a plateful of roast turkey but you do not get these things at skool chiz so it have to be snakes and laders.”

Final Fecal compaction update for the day
Chatting with Chrissy # 2
“When this is resolved you may think about changing your diet, more fresh fruit and vegetables, maybe think about eating Prunes”
“I’d rather die “

Well, I’m an idiot
I just realised that my recent bowel issues may have had something to do with the huge amount of chocolate that I had been eating. I think that shovelling over 1lb of what is basically fat into your guts every day may affect their operation

Difference between American football and Rugby
In American football “Unnecessary roughness” involves knocking someone over , in Rugby it involves trying to gouge their eyes out

Mitsubishi is a very odd company, they make ships, cars, process control equipment,
and tinned fish.

As someone who drinks a cup of chilled prune juice every day, the taste bothered me for about the first week.

Now it’s just rote to keep things moving.

Small glass of olive oil w red wine vinegar twice a week too (advice from very old Italian lady).

Tales from the store

“There you go sir, here is your change “
“Thank you very much Kate”
Gasp! “How do you know my name?“
“It’s written on your name badge “

I don’t know if other peoples brains work like this, but I automatically switch to thinking of a piece of music when I hear a word. When watching the football tonight whenever the name Giroud was mentioned my mind automatically switched to singing “ Giroud, Giroud I’ve got a crush on you “ to the tune of Denis by Blondie

Samson vs mathematics
Since he has zero brains and infinite greed, a fairly simple calculation works out the result as 1.
This resulted in him being able to unlock the cupboard where his food is kept and stuff himself, therefore he is currently unable to move except for the urgent occasions when he needs to evacuate his bowels

Having a sightglass exploding in your face when the pipe is full of 80 degree C liquid is not as much fun as it sounds. Luckily we were on the pre rinse cycle so there were no chemicals in the system

Fathers can be very protective of their daughters.
Brother #1 gave niece #1 a lift to a date that she had arranged over the internet.
“I did think of punching him in advance, just in case he was going to act inappropriately “

Smile

This regards the Barry Manilow posts.
I find the permanent fake smile obnoxious, but the tiny smile that performers allow themselves when they know that they have absolutely nailed it is adorable.

Exploding beer filters

Rare Earth filters have a line that provides air pressure to assist the movement of the beer, this line is normally cracked open to a minimal degree. Everyone knew that the doddering old engineer on the verge of retirement was going to open the valve fully but no one was close enough to stop him doing it. The result was a violent expulsion of beer and air that provided a few minutes of fine, but terrifying, entertainment.

My retake on the classic librarian scene:
Girl librarian takes off her glasses
“But.. but you’re beautiful “
“Couldn’t you tell that before I took my specs off , you daft bastard “

A good project manager shovels the **** upwards rather than taking the cowards way of shitting on the people below him in the system.
A fine example was when we had two jobs close together, one at Guinness the other at a pet food factory.
Coming up to Xmas
The boys working at Guinness had access to cheap beer from the staff shop and arranged to go to the pet food factory to give them some of the cheap beer to take home.
The arsehole manager found out about this and summoned our project manager
“We have a strict no alcohol policy on site, these lads our going to be barred from working on site “
Our PM “You didn’t say that last week when I brought you a bottle of whiskey as an Xmas present “
The matter was quietly dropped.

Tradition is a thing.

I must have visited over a hundred factories around the UK , there was not one occasion when fish and chips weren’t on the canteen menu on a Friday

Update
Niece #1 hates having to wear a name badge, knowing her name seems to make the creepy/slimy elements of society think that they have license to be over familiar with an attractive young woman.

Regarding the Bloody Mary controversy currently raging in “Things that should not piss you off” thread.
A Bloody Mary without Worcestershire sauce is the blandest drink on earth, with the sauce it is like a party going on in your mouth and the DJ has just started playing “Oops upside your head “

When looking for “Do the Strand” for the Roxy music thread I accidentally stumbled upon
“ A domain-level DNA strand displacement reaction enumerator allowing arbitrary non-pseudoknotted secondary structures”
A little light reading for the weekend awaits methinks.

When I read “Looking for a new home for a Pet Bull” I assumed that it was a typo for Pit Bull, but I looked at the pictures and it was actually a Bull cow

Senior consultants in the UK don’t work weekends (Golf normally). This actually worked out quite well for me because the deputising consultant happened to be a liver specialist, after giving me a quick abdominal check and looking at the blood results she told me “You don’t have Cirrhosis”
Small victories

Probably last fecal impaction update.

I went to the hospital and was turned away by the triage nurse with the phrase “Why do you think that this is a medical emergency?

Being a diffident man I accepted this and went home.

1 day later I went back to the hospital determined to be more assertive.
I got in this time and was soon surrounded by senior doctors, X Rays and a CAT scan, with a nurse telling me that I had a potentially life threatening condition

Boy was her face red sums up the triage nurse situation

I may just mention the angel of Macclesfield later

Quick Tommy Cooper joke
"I'm on a Whisky diet. I've lost three days already."

To understand the true depth of my mental confusion I should mention that yesterday I forgot to check the weather forecast on the BBC. For a British person this is the equivalent of forgetting to breathe.