eBay is a strange place.

1. It contains neutral smoking related feedback, which then vanishes but is replaced by completely different neutral smoking related feedback.

2. A purchaser has asked if he can delay payment because he has had to pay to have his mother’s dentures replaced. Naturally, being English his request started “I an frightfully sorry but can I defer payment because...”

More eBay

I was intrigued as to why a lady wanted me to urgently expedite the delivery of an inexpensive pair of walking trousers (Black, waterproof, short leg (27”), decent brand, a bargain at £12). She went so far as to offer to pay for special delivery.

My mind began to race.

What could this mean? What emergency could have provoked such an urgent requirement for value for money legwear?

I considered the following options:-

A sudden uncontrollable erotic impulse.

The aftermath of a severe bout of incontinence.

Maybe these precise garments were required as part of a complex and meticulously planned heist?

Eventually I settled on the obvious conclusion that they were needed because the ladies little legs were cold...

..but I was not satisfied. I revisited the original communication. I did not even need to read the body of the text in order to realise that I had been a fool, my wild imaginings way wide of the mark. You see, the Woman’s first name was Hannah, she had obviously forgotten to order a present for one of her sister’s birthdays.

If I could travel in time and give my younger self some advice it would mean that I was hell good at physics.

Many people think that “Fifty ways to leave your lover” only lists five ways. I would argue that the actual number is even lower, consider the evidence:-

You just slip out the back, Jack - yep

Make a new plan, Stan - nope, this conflates the preparation and implementation phases

You don't need to be coy, Roy - nope, reducing shyness may be necessary but it is not sufficient.

Hop on the bus, Gus - fine

Just drop off the key, Lee - questionable at best.

Next up - “Knock on wood” is it responsible for the epidemic of knuckle disease in the elderly?

Help on 70’s New Wave acts.

If you are struggling to remember which of “Joy Division” and “New Order” came first, the latter of the two bands has the word “New” in its name.

Johnny Rotten sometimes calls himself John Lydon.

The main centres of “Punk Rock” were New York and the UK.

If you can remember the name of Talking Heads first album but can’t remember the year it was released you are beyond my help, consult a qualified physician immediately.

A study has been released classifying how difficult other languages are to learn for a native English speaker. Welsh is listed as unclassified, this is because it is impossible to categorise the ability to gargle bricks. Some great singers though.

I think that I may have a future in the sickening “Inspirational” Poster industry.
“Hardening your heart is worse for you than hardening your arteries”

Distrust black and white photography, the technology to produce coloured images has existed for over a century, people who make black and white images are trying to deceive you. See perfume ads for the most obvious examples.

I was looking up some lyrics. As many lyrics do it contained the word “Heart”. As usual google popped up a list of similar searches. One of them was “Sudden stabbing pains in the chest, is it a heart attack?”. Some advice here, if you get sudden stabbing pains in the chest Googling your symptoms to see if you are suffering a potentially fatal medical crisis is not an optimal use of your time.

Holding up the palm of your hand towards an irate person not only informs them that you wish for them to stop speaking, it also converts a mildly annoyed person into a molten ball of rage.
This is the most fun that you can have using only the palm of your hand. I think.

Avatars from the LC thread.

Zeno - Black and white picture. Subject looks like the artistic type of fellow.

Shiltz - Duck with bad hair.

Phat Mack - lady playing a racquet game, almost certainly tennis. Due to the current situation she is wearing a mask.

DaveT - Anime character with long hair.

Dominc - Bloke looking pleased with himself.

Red eye - Man staring, cannot tell if his beard is neatly trimmed or not.

John Cole - Groucho Marx dancing in an amusing manner.

R*R - Green monster. Not sure if origin is alien, child’s cartoon, or mythological.

Shuffle - Anime character with shorter hair than DaveT’s. Hair is blowing around a bit.

Diebitter - Michael Cain holding a sawn off shotgun. Phallic undertones.

lastcardcharlie -Black and white picture of tall buildings. Pic could do with a bit more contrast.

Kioshk - black and white photograph of Richard Nixon. Photograph makes it look like Nixon had pointy ears. A combination of the position of Nixon’s head(he is looking to his left) and the angle the picture was taken from has created an asymmetry in the image of his tie, shirt and jacket.

For the sake of argument, tell someone that they are an obnoxious little prick.

I have just brushed my teeth while thinking about a young woman holding a banana.
Very odd.

I have tried “putting my money where your mouth is “, got stuck between my teeth.

Niece #2 last two Facebook posts:-

1. Picture of a duckling with a flower on it’s head.

2. Invective post encouraging the violent overthrow of the capitalist system.

Well balanced girl.

When packing Bjorne Borg themed underwear remember to sing “I was Bjorne Borged under a wandering star.“

Helps massively.

When being attacked by a Pygmy goat your brain will switch between thinking “This is hilarious” and “That hurts”.

In colour, when the future was all brand new.

It may be hard for some to believe, but I have spent much more time making pharmaceuticals than consuming them.

I was working on a plant making anaesthetic gas. The system had an alarm which would activate if a leak was detected. I asked the customer “If the alarm goes off do we calmly exit the area, or run around screaming “We’re all going to die””.

“It’s more of an all “going to die” thing”.

Since the entire building roof was deliberately designed as a weak point, so that if the building exploded most of the energy would be discharged upwards rather than devastating the entire neighbourhood I should have guessed this.

There was a red line marked on the ground to indicate that only electric vehicles were allowed beyond that point, due to the explosion risk. The designated smoking area was beyond that line.

I would strongly suggest not reading the rest of this post.

My dog has got diarrhoea.

“Just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean that they are not out to get you” is an obviously true statement, however it is more likely that “they” are not out to get you, and that you are just suffering from one of the symptoms of your paranoia.

“Long haul flight?” Never knew that airplanes were pulled by people with ropes.

100% true this

Work and Covid restrictions permitting brother #2 is going to call round today.
I am going to ask him to sniff some ladies underwear.

Cautious man is Frank, clenches his buttocks before he farts, that sort of thing.

What happens when someone defies the laws of probability?

Is there a fine involved?

Every first novel written by a heterosexual middle aged man will feature a middle aged man having an affair with a much younger woman.