Moricone Reminded me of this
I needed to speak with an Italian engineer, I had never seen him before. He was working in the factory with a lot of other people, all wearing safety/hygiene gear.
I went into the room and saw one guy who was wearing the same gear as everyone else but looked effortlessly stylish, “That will be him“

Lame joke that made me laugh harder than I ever have
“What’s grey and comes in pints?” “An elephant “

B2 got into slight trouble at work today.
He had vacuumed up at my house. He forgot to change the bag before using it for work, resulting in leaving the smell of wet dog everywhere.
Being a professional he knew exactly how to deal with this, spraying a huge amount of air freshener about the place

Nitric acid
I had to spend a weekend writing software to transfer nitric acid to another part of the plant. When I got in on Monday the job was cancelled because the customer realised that nitric acid would destroy the drains in that area

R*R told me off in the quotes thread, I am sure that I have said this before where we come from we talk to each other harshly and treat each other gently.
I would never be Racist, Sexist, or Homophobic because they are morally wrong and also a waste of time

I went to California just after the smoking ban was introduced, I asked the receptionist “What do smokers do if they are allocated a non smoking room “
“They smoke their ****ing heads off in it”

I have managed to land in hospital again.
Public wards are not sound proofed. This morning I heard one guy learn that the lump that he was being treated for was a malignant tumour
Another guy learned that the shadow on his lung was a malignant Tumour, that it was inoperable. and that he had 18Mo left at most

Commissioning process plant is hard work but it has its moments.

Soup plant 1

It was 11pm and we had just finished a test of the cleaning cycle, one of the directors wanted a quick visual check to see how effective the clean had been, but no one had a torch on them.
When this had been done we could head off back to the hotel.

The owner got on the radio to one of the engineers, who was a very laid back guy.

(Imagine the reply in a Californian hippie drawl)

“Frank have you got a torch?”

“Well I got a flashlight ...... but it’s kinda small ..... and it’s got no batteries .... I don’t know if that’s any use to ya?

Soup plant 2

I was just finishing a shift involving 38.5 hours continuously on site(no sleep, not much food).
As I Was leaving the engineering supervisor came up to me and said:-

“Pat before you go just one thing ....”

“No”

The weather

As most people know the British are obsessed with the weather.

I watch the BBC weather forecast religiously every day(ie. I pray that will stop pissing it down)
Lerwick is a town on one of the northernmost islands, I noticed that even in the middle of summer the highest temperature predicted is usually around 13C(56F).

I can imagine the conversations that they have there:-

“Morning Bruce, and what a bonnie fine morning it is”

“Aye, Mercury is rising”

“Fella on the BBC said it could reach 14 by the afternoon”

“Too hot to be working”

“Aye, but a fine day for watching the lasses”

“Aye, there’s nothing like watching a pretty young thing wearing nothing but thermal underwear, thick jeans and a bulky sweater”

“Yes, but can you image what it would be like if they weren’t wearing waterproofs and wellingtons on top of them?”

After spending the best part of an hour bringing my bath/shower to a state of gleaming perfection I have decided that in order to keep it this way I will adopt a
“No showering or Bathing” policy going forward.

Pros

1. Save about 1 1/2 hours of my time a week.
2. Reduced energy and water and usage.
3. Reduce the release of cleaning chemicals into the environment.
4. Increase my dogs olfactory appreciation of me, this is slightly countered by him missing out on the change of him getting a “Up close and Personal” sniff of my butt whilst I am drying myself, but it’s an overall positive for him.

Cons
?

Young’s Brewery (May contain repeats from my manic period)

Old fashioned brewery based in Wandsworth(South London)
Highlights include:

Going outside for a cigarette and being faced with a miniature goat.

The owner was a doddery old chap(For British viewers he was the nearest thing to “Young Mister Grace” from “Are you being served?” that you will ever see)

He was always referred to as “The Chairman”

It was very much a family firm, one day I walked into the Engineering workshop, I said to the manager “Your chaps look busy today”
“ Yes they are drawing up plans to improve the flood defences at the chairman’s house.“

Drinking on site was not discouraged. When I first got there the “Chairman’s Office” was a old cellar room filled with bottles and kegs of beer. You could just wander in and drink what you wanted, the late shift mainly ran the automatic cleaning cycles on the plant, so all they had to do was press the start button and retire to the Chairman's office to get quietly drunk.

The only time that you would struggle for beer was when the local police rota changed, the entirety of the Wandsworth CID that had just finished their last night shift would descend on the chairman’s office at 6.00 AM and drink the place dry. They would then all drive home.

Alas change was coming. The ramshackle chairman’s office was replaced by a refurbished room decorated to the standard of a decent pub. Although you could still get beer free, and the room was never locked, things were never the same. It came to such a pass that the engineering manager had to email all staff to remind them that a lot of money had been spent on refurbishing the chairman’s office, but that it was being under used, so could they all start drinking more at lunchtime please.

Although all evidence is to the contrary, I firmly believe that dogs have a constant and profound sense of their own mortality.

One of they guys at work was so into music that he would automatically sing (quietly) at work.
When the lovely Andrea was sitting next to him he would sing “Close to you”, when I sat next to him he always sung a song by The Macc Lads(local comedy/punk band). The song was titled “You’re Fat and your wife’s a slag”.

This morning I have photographed a camera and cleaned a vacuum cleaner. Strange thing, life is.

I dislike works of fiction titled with a “Play on words” using the main characters name(“50 shades of Grey” comes to mind).

“YOU MADE THE CHARACTERS NAME UP YOURSELF, YOU ARE NOT BEING CLEVER,YOU DUMB ****”

That being said,I am working on a series of short stories based on the experiences of a man trying to find a place in the world after technology displaces his role. I do not foresee any problems coming up with appropriate titles for the stories about my character who I have named “Fax Machine-Repairman”

The difference between youth and age is not that the answers are different, the questions are

At 20 “What are you rebelling against?”

At 60 “What irritates you so much?”

40 years too late I have just come up with my perfect band name:-

“Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome ‘Eric Tile and The Dysfunctions ’”

Germaine Greer would have been proud of Susan.

After three years of studying we were under a bit of pressure coming up to our final exams.

She broke down in tears and said:-

“I never wanted a degree in the first place, I just wanted to meet a bloke and get married “

Given the young ladies obvious distress I do feel guilty at finding this so funny.

I went out of the hotel to have a cigarette. The girl was talking very loudly on her phone, to who I hope was a close friend.

“He had only got the tip of his penis in when I said ‘Stop! I don’t want to cheat on my boyfriend”

To be fair to myself she did repeat the phrase “Only the tip of his penis” several times in the next five minutes.

Some things are just too scary to dismiss as a coincidence.

This afternoon I was talking with brother #2 and I mentioned that when we were kids one source of entertainment was putting your tongue on the terminals of a 9 volt battery.

This evening I heard my fire alarm chirruping “Warning! Low Battery”

Sure enough when I changed it , it was a 9V battery

#SleepingWithTheLightsOn

Look up “Batman quotes”, you will thank me for this advice. This advice applies to the original TV series, not the recent cinematic nonsense.

Bruce Wayne is a very wise man:-

Robin, looking at Batgirl: "You know something, Batman?"
Batman: "What's that, Robin?"
Robin: "She looks very pretty when she's asleep."
Batman: "I thought you might eventually notice that. That single statement indicates to me the first oncoming thrust of manhood, old chum."

The blade on my razor has lasted for an unusually long time without going blunt. What could this mean?

Random happenstance?

Change of manufacturing process?

Or, and I am just putting this out there, could it be part of Gods greater plan fo me?

America has become lambs to the slaughter in so many ways. There are wholesome pictures of people working at a dispensary. It's probably impossible to open a rec shop within the next 3-5 years without cutting in line, this place has been awarded selective priority. Their weed is more like a spoiled rotting plant than a therapeutic. I met the owner. Sort of. He was standing on the shop's porch in the rain talking to nobody in particular, mumbling about the suppliers jacking the prices.

Stagnation is the real culprit.

Elderly superstitious racist cleaning lady

She once told me in a awe struck/slightly fearful tone:-

“I went to a wedding on Saturday, before I went I had a dream that Mary and Angela would be the same weight as when I last saw them seven years ago.... and do you know what, when I got there THEY WERE!”

A Black guy joined her aerobics class.
“I’m not racist, but there may be problems with this, it’s a different culture you know, what if he wants to start limbo dancing?”

Her grasp of contemporary Black culture may need updating.

I believe this to be a fine example of predicate logic, but I am open to correction

Predicates:-

The word “Pump” is used in the UK to describe what Webster’s dictionary called “A explosion of wind from between the legs.”

British people are obsessed with bodily functions.

American people are obsessed with money, stock markets and so on.

Conclusion

The expression “ Pump and Dump” means very different things in the UK than it does in the US.