After watching the film I could not put a finger on why I did not enjoy this film. After a twitter discussion and further brainstorm here is my list:

The opening witch scene was bad ass! It set up the audience for what’s expected. The people are never referenced again in the film. A part of me expected them to return. The hanging rabbits would have been scary if the opening scene were cut out. People fear the unknown, but since the audience knows exactly what happened during the cellar reveal, our only remaining option is, “Oh cool that was from the opening scene.”

The opening act sets up characters with information we don’t need. Animosity between Eric and David? Why? It did not lead to conflict in the movie. The registered nurse, she gave Mia an injection to help her sleep, did we need that info for the medication and one line of dialogue? How about this instead? “I gave her some sleeping pills, she’ll sleep for three days!” David’s girlfriend is given nothing to do with no build-up and that’s fine. They should have done that with the rest of the characters.

Mia’s story is intriguing but they never do much with it. If Mia is a junkie, why let her grab a set of car keys and storm into her room? Why let her take a shower by herself? She’s acting deranged, whispering to herself and speaking about a woman in the woods. If that’s my friend I do not leave her side!

Why not check her into a hospital? Maybe this is my “socialist” Canadian side speaking, but I’m not sure a registered nurse and a teacher are qualified to help a junkie recover. “She’s getting the exact same treatment a hospital would give her!” That line served the exposition machine, a lazy plot device.

Violence against animals is a bold move. I’m alarmed there have not been activists out in full force regardless of whether an animal was harmed. Generally speaking, animals are taboo in the horror world.

The Book of the Dead cannot be burned, but people can scribble over markings and write their own English text in the book. Why does this make sense?

The book says, “DO NOT SPEAK THESE WORDS!!” The teacher clears his throat, decodes the book and immediately speaks the words out loud. Is Alvarez commenting on the teachers of America? Why not make this guy just a regular guy? Why talk about his profession at all if he isn’t smart?

The book is wrapped in a garbage bag and barbed wire. Is this designed to keep the book out of the wrong hands? The people in the beginning knew what they were doing. If they truly wanted to save that girl’s soul they would do everything in their power to prevent it from happening again. Dear in-breeders, your barbed wire and garbage bag didn’t work!

The deadites resembled zombies more than deadites. An attempt to tap The Walking Dead audience? Dear Mr. Alvarez, you didn’t need to do that, true fans bought in from the beginning. Let’s stick with the deadite template.

Whenever the deadites spoke it was out of place. “I can smell your filthy soul!” Wait, why didn’t you say that earlier? In the original franchise their dialogue and timing made sense. Whenever the deadites speak in the remake it’s as if Alvarez feels the need to throw in a nod to the original for the heck of it.

Remember the beginning of the film when the witch tells the man, “This is the only way to save her soul?” A teacher picking up the book for the first time discovers two additional ways to save Mia’s soul: dismemberment and live burial. Why include the “…only way to save her soul,” line at all? Sloppy.

Each infected person contracts the virus (zombie) by the following methods: rape by tree, ingesting blood from Mia and a bite from Mia. These methods follow behaviour of a traditional zombie with the exception of rape. Why did Eric re-animate after he died? When Eric came back a major rule was broken, he was not raped, bitten and wasn’t forced to swallow blood. This was the dumbest thing and took me out of the movie, pushing me further away from a sloppy mess.

On the topic, what a dick move by David, placing Eric face down in the water. Sure he’s dead but have the ****ing decency to lean him against the wall. If you’re a friend and you place my lifeless corpse face down in the water you better believe I’m haunting you til the end of your days!

Alvarez spoon feeds the audience because we cannot possibly follow along. When the first girl turns into a zombie we get a flashback of a page in the book which also reveals exactly what she’s doing to her face, removing any hint of a surprise/shock. When Eric is thinking about the book we see the book and specific passages. Thanks for the reminder!

Advertised as “The most terrifying film you will ever experience!” The film is not scary at all. This is coming from a chicken **** that won’t make eye contact with the following blu-rays in my collection: Paranormal Activity, Sinister, Insidious and The Shining.

Gore for the sake of gore. The second/third acts are frantic, giving the audience zero chance to absorb what’s happening on-screen. When Bruce Campbell hacked off his hand there was a build-up which delivered big laughs and a successful gross-out moment. When the nameless girlfriend does it there is no build-up. “Holy **** my hand!” Boom hand is gone. Why not do something with the possessed hand? Why not have it slap her around? Why not give the possessed hand time to play? Something fun/interesting before hacking it off would have been effective.

When Mia loses her hand it’s the nail in the coffin. Alvarez is handcuffed by the original franchise, serving it’s cause in choppy fashion. It’s a cool moment but it felt off. Before she uses the chainsaw she must lose her hand, here is how she will lose it.

The stinger after the credits served no purpose other than a cute nod to fans of the original. I love Bruce Campbell as much as the next guy but that was silly.