Season 8, Episode 23: Legend of Ironhead Haynes



Synopsis: When a fat woman's complaint forces Al to stop insulting his customers, he and his men's club "NO MA'AM" (National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood), seek out a legendary guru of machismo to teach them how to battle political correctness.



6/10: Some solid stuff here, culminating in Al meeting Ironhead Haynes (Waylon Jennings) and giving the Nine Commandments, like a modern Moses.

Dialogue:
------------
1. It's okay to call hooters "knockers" and sometimes "snack trays."
2. It is wrong to be French.
3. It's okay to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder.
4. Lawyers: see rule three.
5. It is okay to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes.
6. Everyone should car pool but me.
7. Bring back the word "stewardesses"
8. Synchronized Swimming is not a sport.
9. Mudwrestling is a sport.

Season 8, Episode 24: Assault and Batteries



Synopsis: Al rushes to finish fixing the basement step before his favorite movie, "Hondo" comes on TV. But, in an attempt to get some new batteries for his flashlight, he finds himself locked inside the store. Meanwhile, Bud and Kelly attempt to celebrate Buck's birthday, much to Buck's dismay.

5/10: Not bad, but not great. Al desperate to see 'Hondo', his favourite John Wayne movie is continually confounded by fate (as usual), and there's a comedy section at the end where Al looks pretty cool dressed up like The Duke.


Dialogue:
------------
Al: Don't worry, Peg, I'm not gonna be having a good time. I'll just see what I can in the dark.
Peg: Uh, like during sex?
Al: No, Peg, I can't fake fixing a step.

Season 8, Episode 25: Al Goes Deep



Synopsis: Jefferson bets on a college football game he is guaranteed to win, but that's before the quarterback is blitzed by the Blonde Bundy. Meanwhile, Peggy is making home-made bon-bons.


5.5/10: A fun one, where we see Kelly fall in love with Chad (and there's some good use of the theme from Gone With The Wind and slo-mo between Kelly and her guy, then at increasingly more inappropriate points throughout the episode), who is the quarterback to the team Al and Jefferson have bet a bundle on - along with a bunch of mafia guys who were tipped by Jefferson. Chad then breaks his arm, making Al resort to desperate measures...


Dialogue:
------------
Al Bundy: What do you think you're doing, Chad? You missed football practice again today!
Chad: There was practice today? Man, I'm sorry. Time just flies when I'm with Kelly.
Al Bundy: Chad, you do not want Kelly. From the moment she was conceived she has ruined men's lives. Swaggart, Baker, Kennedy... Kennedy, Kennedy, Swaggart again.

Season 8, Episode 26: Kelly Knows Something



Synopsis: When the Bundy TV set blows its condenser, Al decides to try out for a place on a new sports trivia game show, hoping to win a new TV set as the first prize. But when he is denied because of his lack of personality, Al tries to transfer his knowledge of sports to Kelly to win the show for him. But for each fact that she takes in, another falls out.

4.5/10: Yeah, it was okay, but nothing to write home about. Best bit was a montage showing new facts going into Kelly's head whilst old facts are pushed out.

Dialogue:
------------
Al: A fat woman came into the shoe store today and asked for something to wear for a walk in the woods. Jokingly I suggested a sandwich sign saying "don't shoot, from the front I look human."
-----------
Al: Tell me everything you know about sports.
Kelly: I know that you scored four touchdowns in one game for Polk High, Daddy.
Al: That's right. What else?
Kelly: Golf spelled backwards is "flog".
Al: Oh... this is going to take a lot of work.

Season 9, Episode 1: Shoeway to Heaven



Synopsis: Nostalgia brings fortune to Al and Jefferson after they stumble upon a crate of fashionable shoes from the 70's. Meanwhile, exotic-insect bites force Kelly to always tell the truth.


5.5/10: Not a bad season opener, with Al, Jefferson and Bud in ridiculous 70s gear. And Kelly wearing hotpants and platform shoes. WOOF!

Dialogue:
------------
Jefferson: Look what I found behind this wall. Crates!
Al: I'll bet it could be Al Capone's treasure.
Jefferson: Why would Al Capone hide his treasure behind the wall of a woman's shoe store?
Al: I don't know. Maybe he was dating a disgused J. Edgar Hoover at the time.

Season 9, Episode 2: Driving Mr Boondy



Synopsis: Bud gets a job as a driving instructor and is Al's driving examiner when Al goes to renew his long expired drivers license. Meanwhile, Marcy gets Kelly a job as the model window girl at her bank after Jefferson's egocentric, selfish advice makes Kelly lose her job as the Verminator.


5/10: Not bad, but nothing truly memorable. Favourite part was Marcy being forced to dress as a chicken.

Dialogue:
------------
[Phone rings]
Al: Hello, Peg.
Peg: How did you know it was me?
Al: Because I actually heard God laugh.
------------
Al: I like to remind you, Son, while you're figuring out my score. If I don't get my driver's license, thay means I can't drive. If I can't drive, I can't go to work. If I can't go to work, then I'll have to stay home and I'll be home all the time. Day and Night. When you bring your dates over, I WILL be in my underwear. You know the underwear, don't ya Son?
Bud: Not the ones that read, "If you lived here you'd be home now"!
Al: And I'll be clipping my toenails and eating Cheese Whiz from the can. Now let me ask you, Son, HOW DID I DO?
Bud: [hands Al a card] You passed.

Season 9, Episode 3 Kelly Breaks Out



Synopsis: Kelly is hired as the spokes-model for a new beer only to realize that her career isn't the only thing "breaking out" when a zit might just cancel her first commercial, unless Uncle Sticky's pimple potion comes to the rescue. Meanwhile, Al and Jefferson are trying to buy an Avengers tape with Emma Peel.


5.5/10: It was kind of fun to watch Al and Jefferson act like a couple of horny teenagers over a videotape of Emma Peel, and listening to Al's reasons why pretty women help sell beer, but otherwise unmemorable.

Dialogue:
------------
Marcy: But unlike Evolution, I'm not letting you off the hook Al. Now can you tell me what a woman's body has to do with selling beer?
Al: All right, number one - if it wasn't for beer, there would be at least three people, who probably wouldn't be married - Me, Jefferson, and probably Lisa Marie Presley. Number two - since men buy beer, advertisers have to cater to what we want. And hold on to your corncob pipe - we like pretty women. Pretty women sell good products, ugly women sell tennis rackets. Pretty women - cars; ugly women - minivans. Pretty women make us buy beer. Ugly women make us *drink beer*.

Season 9, Episode 4: Naughty but Niece



Synopsis: Bud's intense studying for a scholarship exam makes him periodically nod off. So is his passionate encounter with Marcy's 19 year-old niece a dream or is it for real?



5.5/10: Not bad, and Marcy's niece is some serious jailbait. Also this is the first episode featuring Griff, Al's partner in crime at the shoe store. I like Griff.


Dialogue:
------------
Amber: Psst! Psst!
Bud: [reaches under his bed] Damn leaky rubber woman!
------------
Bud: Who are you?
Griff: Name's Griff. I work here.
Bud: That's funny. Dad told never told me he hired another guy.
Griff: And who are you?
Bud: Bud. Al Bundy's my father.
Griff: That's funny. He never told me he had a son?
Bud: A daughter?
Griff: Nope.
Bud: A wife?
Griff: Not living.
Bud: Four touchdowns in one game?
Griff: Oh, hell yeah.

19's not jailbait where I'm from.

She does look seriously tasty.

Season 9, Episode 5+6: Business Sucks and Business Still Sucks



Synopsis: Marcy leads a protest after Al banishes a shoe-store customer for nursing her baby. This prompts a counter-protest by NO MA'AM. Meanwhile, train accidents delay Peggy's return home. Al concocts a plan to rid the store of nursing mothers, but will it hold up when the owner arrives?



6/10: Some pretty good moments in this, and features several of the occasional regulars: Officer Dan, Griff (who will be a reg), and my favourite TV reporter "Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardenal", and 'Gary'.


Dialogue:
------------
Al Bundy: Why does every woman that comes in here says they are a size five shoe?
Griff: I don't know. I guess women just aren't comfortable with what size they are.
Al Bundy: I'm glad we're men. Men are superior to women, right?
Griff: Right.
Al Bundy: We never lie about size. Well, of course I don't.
Griff: Well, I don't either.
Al Bundy: Neither do I.
[both Al and Griff stare at each other]
Griff: Contest?
Al Bundy: Let's rock!
-------------------
[after hearing that Gary is going to come to the store, Al glued high heels and ribbons to all the men's shoes, to make them look like women's shoes. He tells Kelly to pretend that she is customer, to mislead Gary]
Al: You know, I really think we can pull this off. I mean, even if women can tell that these aren't women's shoes, Gary won't know the difference - he's a man!
[Gary enters - and turns to be a woman]
Gary: Hi! I'm Gary. I own this store.
Al: [to himself] Of course.

Season 9, Episode 7: Dial B for Virgin



Synopsis: Bud's community-service assignment is the one he's least suited for: counseling virgins on the brink of temptation. Meanwhile, Al and Peg go to the video store.


6/10: There was some good jokes and setups in this one, and I liked the character/actress in charge of the Virgin Hotline, Miss Hardaway. Al and Peg go in the adult section of the video store, and start saying the titles: Schindler's Lust, Joy Slut Club, Forrest Hump, Mrs. Assfire, Booty and the Beast, to name a few.


Dialogue:
------------
Peggy: Hey Al, I found one.
Bud: Dad. I got a problem. I, er, I did something really stupid.
Al: Oh, Son. You didn't... marry, did you?
-------------
Peg: It's called Like Water for Chocolate, it's a love story.
Al: What a coincidence, Peg, I found a love story too: Mrs. Assfire.
------------
Peggy: You haven't liked a single movie I've selected.
Al: That's because they all suck.
Peggy: Fried Green Tomatoes sucks?
All the men in the store: Yes.
------------
Peggy: Oh, how about this: Four Weddings and a Funeral.
Al: That's kinda like five of the same thing, isn't it?

Season 9, Episode 8: Sleepless in Chicago



Synopsis: Jefferson learns the Barbie doll he's bought for Marcy is worth a small fortune, so he asks Al for a big favor: sleep next to Marcy while he trades dolls. In exchange, Al gets to keep a prized first edition copy of "Big 'Uns".


5.5/10: Pretty goofy episode, with Al desperate to keep hold of an ancient copy of Big Uns. And any episode that ends with Al relucantly having to service Peg is a bonus.


Dialogue:
------------
Kelly: They say all blondes are dumb. But that's just a stereo system.
------------
[Al, posing as Jefferson, is lying next to Marcy in bed]
Marcy: Jefferson, rub my back.
[Al hesitantly moves his hand toward her]
Marcy: That's my chest.

One of the greatest shows ever.

Season 9, Episode 9: No Pot to Pease in



Synopsis: Kelly is rejected for a sitcom role, but her description of her family inspires the producer to change the show into a reflection of Bundy life.

5.5/10: Some solid laughs in this one, especially Al laughing his head off at a sitcom that is basically showing him his own life, and when the family meet their alter-egos (especially Bud), but otherwise not that memorable.

Dialogue:
------------
Kelly: When did television get so weird? Nobody eats breakfast at the table anymore. And cereal? Come on. When I was growing up, we were lucky if we got toaster leave-in's.
Ronald N. Michaels: Toaster leavings?
Kelly: Leave-in's. The 'q' is silent.

Season 9, Episode 10: Dud Bowl



Synopsis: After the funeral of a former football teammate at the Bullpen Sports Bar, an old rival, named Jack Franklin, challenges Al and his former team from Polk High into a grudge football match between them. But Al ends up being turned into a tackling dummy by ringers Bubba Smith, Laurence Taylor, Ken Stabler and John Reynolds on the opposing team.

5/10: Not great, but a few solid moments - the guys conducting a funeral inside a sports bar; a former team mate who has had a sex change still comes to play for his old team, and Peg gets mistaken for the transexual.

Dialogue:
------------
Jack Franklin: You guys couldn't score with your own wives!
Al: And we're proud of that!
------------
Thad: I had to do it, Al. All those years in school I felt like a woman trapped inside a man's body. I just got so tired of it.
Al: We get tired of our old cars too, but we don't do things like rip the doors off.

god bless al bundy

wow @ all of this

Season 9, Episode 11: No Man for All Seasons



Synopsis: In response to the strike, Al and NO MA'AM help to organize a "working man's" baseball league - sponsored by nudie bars.



6/10: Always good to see all the 'No Maam' imbeciles being dopey, and lead by Al - and I always enjoy Officer Dan.


Dialogue:
------------
Joe Morgan: So to recap, baseball is on strike, hockey is on strike, and Saturday Night Live just won't end.
------------
Al: Brother Jefferson will now read the minutes from our last meeting.
Jefferson: 8:01... 8:02, 8:03, 8:04...
------------
[Peg is rubbing herself against a big strong sportsman]
Bud Bundy: That's not Dad, that's Dave Winfield.
Dave Winfield: [Together with Peg] Mind your business.

Season 9, Episode 12+13: I want my Psycho Dad



Synopsis: Al leads his men's group NO MA'AM in a protest against the cancellation of his favorite TV show "Psycho Dad". And thanks to Jefferson's pull, Al gets to address the U.S. Senate about having "Psycho Dad" put back on the air.

5.5/10: Eh nice to see the guys all there (including Griff, Officer Dan and Miranda Veracruz De La Hoya Cardinal - who's pretty hot), but not a great one - some nice verbal and sight gags though, especially at the expense of politicians.


Dialogue:
------------
Al's singing the Psycho Dad theme:
Who's gonna ride into the sun?
Who's the man with the itchy gun?
Who's the man who kills for fun?
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad.

Marcy's Psycho Dad parody:
Who's the guy whose show is done?
Whose TV hero's on the run?
Who'll be watching VH1?
Loser Al, Loser Al, Loser Al.
-----------------
Al: Look at it, guys. This is where it all happens. The power, the intrigue, the chicks...
Marcy: Look guys, there is no way the US Senate is gonna put aside the important business of running this nation to discuss something as moronic as "Psycho Dad".
Furman: We'll have to table this debate on the Arab-Israeli peace accords. The men from "No Ma'am" are here to lobby on behalf of "Psycho Dad".
(Marcy looks shocked.)

Season 9, Episode 14: The Naked and the Dead, but Mostly the Naked



Synopsis: To check out their husband's claim of "totally innocent fun", Peggy and her friends accompany their husbands to the nudie bar. Meanwhile, Kelly lands a part in a ************ commercial.

6.5/10: Yeah, this was a lot of fun, with the guys choosing 'A Cup Night' as the best time to take their wives - during which they has 'intellectual' discussions, and bore the wives rigid. The wives are about to leave, but suddenly a guest stripper appears: 'Rocky Mountains', and they can't help themselves and get up and dance. Unfortunately, this means there's only one way to get around the wives....service them.

Poor guys.

Season 9, Episode 15: Kelly Takes a Shot



Synopsis: Bud helps Kelly to audition for a part in a commercial. Meanwhile, Al battles a bird keeping him awake at night.


6.5/10: Nice ep. On the promise of some action from the lovely Amber, Bud helps Kelly learn archery. Meanwhile, Al is acting the imbecile by dressing up as a giant owl to scare an annoying bird out of his garden. Kelly shoots him out of the tree, incidentally.


Dialogue:
----------------------------
Al: Marcy, despite your annoying flapping of both lip and wing, I'm glad you're here. I'm having a problem with birds. Perhaps you can speak to them in their native tongue. They're keeping me up.
Peg: Ooh, what's their secret?
Al: They look the same as they did in high school.
----------------------------
Marcy: Well if you really want to scare them away, an owl will usually do it.
Al: An Al? I'M an Al.

Amber is hot.

Season 9, Episode 16: Get the Dodge outta Hell



Synopsis: Al's Dodge mysteriously disappears during a trip to the car wash. Just as mysteriously, Steve Rhoades makes a return appearance.


8/10: Hahaha, one of the classics, and apparently the 200th episode. The whole premise of the Dodge completely disappearing when put through a car wash is terrific, as is the reappearance of Steve. I laughed very hard when the valet asked Al for the keys to the car, and Al gives him a screwdriver.

Dialogue:
----------------------------
Al: Oh, Peg, look, Car-Bras.
Peg: The Dodge does not need a Car-Bra.
Al: Oh, it's not for the Dodge, Peg. No, it's for your mom.
[Al holds the box up]
Al: Look, it's even in her size: "Astro Van".
---------------------------
Al: I want my Dodge, dag-nabit.
Mikey: Dag-nabit? What did you do, get the "Hooked on Phonics" Yosemite Sam tape?
---------------------------
Al: Now, this is ridiculous. Somewhere in this carwash is a Dodge with my name on it.
Peg: Gee, I didn't know they made a Dodge Loser.
---------------------------
Al: Oh Peg, look a racing strip!
Peggy: The Dodge doesn't need a racing strip. I couldn't hit 60 if it dropped out of a plane.
Al: No, but you could, Peg.
---------------------------
Steve: Same old Marcy. Flat and to the point.
---------------------------
Mikey: We're going to buy you a new car,how does a Hyundai sound?
Al: Like an old lawn mover.

You're doing fine work here, diebitter.

My take on the Steve vs Jefferson thing.


I think the actor who plays Steve is far better than McGinley. BUT he was part of the awkward early episodes when the show was still trying to find its way. Jefferson's episodes are funnier overall (the writing is better), so he's involved in funnier shows.

I wish Marcy (and Jefferson somewhat) were the focus of more episodes. It doesn't feel like their characters were fully tapped of their potential for hilarity.

Well, I think what you say is correct, Steve is a better actor, and Steve the character is much more intelligent than Al, whilst Jefferson is more stupid.

But hey, it's personal taste, and Jefferson just cracks me up.

My favourite moment involving one of Marcy's husbands is the episode where Al does a cookup, and Steve suddenly realises the burger he's eating contains the ashes of Marcy's mother...and then he thinks about it, grins, and starts really tucking in.