Season 5, Episode 16: All Night Security Dude
Synopsis: When the second floor aerobics studio collapses into his shoe store, Al gets laid off while the store is being repaired. He gets a job as a security guard at his old school. This prompts his former high school sports rival to steal the prized football trophy.
6.25/10: Some good lines and a good story, also sars Bubba Smith (Hightower from the Police Academy movies), we see Al reliving his glory years, and wrecking Bud's date with a floozy. Al earned it - he scored 4 touchdowns in one game, you know. He describes one of his touchdowns as the greatest event in sport, ever. I especially liked the part where the two men are trying to outdo each other in how bad their life turned out, and it gets to comparing pictures of mother-in-laws.
Dialogue:
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Peg: Why don't you get a number plate to tell the world how you feel inside, Al?
Al: Because 'kill me' was taken by your dad.
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Al Bundy: So pardon me if I don't cry for you, Argentina! But I sell women's shoes, *and* I'm married!
Spare Tire Dixon: Oh, yeah?
[takes out his wallet]
Spare Tire Dixon: Well, I'll bet your mother-in-law doesn't look like this.
[He shows a photo to Al, who gasps and recoils, then recovers and takes out his own wallet]
Al Bundy: No, my mother-in-law looks like this.
Spare Tire Dixon: [sees the photo] Okay, okay!
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Al: You know that new aerobics center above me? The one with the sign "quarter ton discount"? Well, today they played Van Halen's 'Jump'. And damned if the whole herd didn't. It was awful. The ceiling broke open, and down they came, blocking out the sun. I experienced cellulite winter. God, the "humongity". Peg, I could have been killed.
Peg: Well, I think you got what you deserved, going by that place every morning yelling, "is that a Milky Way on the floor?"