If any of you ever suspected that I may have deep-seeded issues, this is going to be proof-positive that you are correct.
I hate furniture shopping, part 1
(How it ought to be)
I'm at that age where I should have the following:
1- A wife who needs her chair for whatever it is a woman needs her own chair for.
2- A kid who needs a tiny chair to read books on. Okay, fine, her head will be buried in a tablet using Facebook Messenger for Kids because what could possibly be going wrong there?
3- A dog, which means I would have to get a mondo couch so he could have his own end to sit on when the wife and kid is playing video games, or whatever it is moms do with their kids on the couch.
I hate furniture shopping, part 2
(how it ain't)
Really, I should have a wife that enjoys furniture shopping. Here's some money, go buy a couch and don't ask me what I think because furniture shopping does nothing but give me a pounding headache.
I hate furniture shopping, part 3
(how I did it last time)
Last time I went furniture shopping, I went to about 20 stores over the span of 4 months, going at least once a week. I worked near a large collection of furniture stores and really tried to like something... anything.
At the end of that long ordeal, I bought a bed, which was sort of required because sleeping on polished concrete flooring isn't ideal.
... and I bought two bar stools and a small table off Amazon. A neighbor left a desk chair near the trash, so I took it.
I hate furniture shopping, part 3
(planning what to buy)
In the hopes that I wouldn't go through the above again, I created a simple battle plan. Mind that I have to fill an 800 sqft studio with "more stuff." For today, this meant a love seat and an easy chair.
I'm classical kind of guy, or rather, I'm a scrub, a relic of the idea that a couch is meant to be used for sitting on, not a decoration piece. In my world, these are fine examples of a proper couch:
Sure, they are gaudy, ugly, but you know damn well you want to lay all over these and drown in comfort. Don't deny it.
But no... what do we have that passes for "a couch" today?
That says: "I'm a virgin and I plan to stay that way."
These things are horrible in so many ways. They are trickery. When you sit on a couch, you want to put your arm on an arm-rest, right? It gets worse because there is all that space that no one can sit on. It looks like you can fit 5 people, but really, you can fit 2. All that extra fabric for what?
I hate furniture shopping, part 4
(store A)
Store A was nothing but the monstrosities you find above. I dither around and try out a few, but I'm not feeling any of it. I ask the sales person if they had any real couches and he wasn't able to pull up anything that caught my fancy.
I hate furniture shopping, part 5
(store B)
I walk over to Store B and it's looking more promising. I'm a man on a mission and I'm not going to walk around to 30 stores looking for my unicorn couch and easy chair.
They have a handful of couches that look like real couches, with large pillows, funky colors, and huge arm rests, but none of them are comfortable. I quickly realize that trying to buy a couch for $250 isn't going to get me anything worth a darn, so I go exploring a little more, trying out some of the more boxy offerings (and standing firm on my opinion of sectionals).
The sales person apparently saw that I was dead set on getting my ordeal over with, so he politely followed me around from a distance, making sure that he was the guy I would ask questions to. Sometimes he would appear from nowhere and say "that's a nice couch there. You have a good eye."
I hate furniture shopping, part 6
(the stupid-looking easy chair)
Wobbly and exhausted, head pounding to full cannon shots, I see this:
It's round, it spins, and it looks perfect for a clown. I decide to sit on and think about the exit.
I fall into it and... Oh my god, this is the most comfortable ****ing chair I've ever sat on. It's amazing and I'm in love.
I tell the salesperson that it's silliest thing I've ever seen and I can't put that in my place.
Ever the patient one, he follows me to another collection of couches and points out that I can buy a whole 14pc set for $X. I don't tell him that I'm not trying to dump $3,000 on a furniture set...
I hate furniture shopping, part 7
(intermission)
So, last time I went furniture shopping, I found some couches that were $3,000. They were comfortable and fully customizable. They took 3 months to make by hand. ugh, no.
I hate furniture shopping, part 8
(time passes)
Two hours later, I must be looking worn out and apparently the worse my headache got, the more I looked like fresh bait to the salesperson. We chatted about this and that and I eventually go back to the stupid clown chair, wiped out and totally exhausted. I don't sit on it, but check out the matching couch and love seat.
So... I like that chair, but I don't like this couch. I tell the salesperson this and tell him I'd probably want to mix and match.
"You don't want to do that. They don't match."
What? That's not normal?
"No, that's not normal."
oh... So I try out another chair but in a different color. The matching couch is this:
that color is so depressing to look at, so no thanks.
I go back to the couch and contemplate. The salesperson, now knowing I've bitten, is sitting on the love seat, giving me the pitch.
"That chair is perfect. You have your girlfriend over and..."
woah... Slow down, buddy.
I hate furniture shopping, part 9
(paying for it)
I bought the round chair and above couch in white.
Satisfied he landed a sale, the salesperson took his time doing my order. My head is now bursting at the seams, I can barely think, I'm totally exhausted, and I feel like I'm in a haze. I pull out my card and swipe it through the terminal, glad to finally walk out the door.
No... not yet. Now I have to sign my name on a bunch of dotted lines.
I hate furniture shopping, part 10
(waiting for it)
Well... I guess there is no way to buy a piece of furniture and have it that week. Or maybe there is, but it seems one month is the general lead time.
There will be more purchases, and I'll be sure to complain about it here. In the meantime...