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Old 07-18-2008, 04:57 PM   #1
spaceman Bryce
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Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

cliff notes: I eated a grilled cheese sammich.this story is inappropriate so don't read.


Don’t read this story. It sucks and I didn’t want to tell it but they made me. I tried to stop them but they kept coming back, for seconds and thirds. They are greedy like that and they sit in my blood like anti-mitochlorians or cancer cells eating away at what’s left of my will power until I gave in and typed this **** up. They will never stop. I can feel the pain lessening with every mashed letter on the keyboard. This shouldn’t be pleasurable.

Anyway, I was sitting in front of a wide row of taps in an empty bar. Lleywyn’s pub is the place I go when I just want to drink. I had just gotten off a tough day at work and this was the first chance I had to sit down on my *** all day. “Another Guinness ?” ask the bar man . Yes I tell him. This is my third Guinness and normally I have a post-work limit of two. So with the 20 oz. glass half- empty these kids come walking in. They are wearing torn shirts with pictures of maggots on them that say slipknot. They are wearing jokes about pi. They are wearing wristbands. I instinctively hate them.

There are two girls. Somehow one of them is drop dead gorgeous. There is something about her that screams. Her tongue is pierced. Her skin is pale and her mini skirt is black. Her shirt says Johnny cash on it . Her necklace has a shark tooth on it. Her wrist band is green . Her outfit clashes in a million preposterous ways. But I don’t talk to them.
“How could you not remember black summer? That was the year when 8/10 decks at the pro tour had 4 copies of necropotence in them.”
“I didn’t start playing mtgo until last year” the other nerd says.
“then how the **** are you so good?” the nerd replies. I pretty much try to drown out the conversation. The bar tender looks at me and shakes his head while pointing his eyes in these degens direction, almost asking me wtf they are. I have lost all interest in whatever these freaks are talking about. I hear an occasional clang of forks and the loud laughter of the group and the pushing of chairs.

By the time they are heading out the door to go back to their dungeons and dragon tournament or whatever I’m on my 5th 20 oz beer. I imagine the pros and cons of driving different paths back to my apartment. Right as this moment as the front door draws to a close, this girl comes up from behind me and screams “HELLO!!!!!!” The bartender jumps back and I stare at her.

Her eyes are pale blue I can see my reflection in her eyes. Her nose is small and her smile is slightly crooked. Her skin is perfect. Her hair is pitch black. You can see silver rolling along her tongue in her mouth while she screams.
“hello” I say. And this nut, this b**ch just stares at me for maybe thirty seconds. I’m too surprised or confused to say anything so I don’t. Then she whispers in my ear “Are you a wizard?”

“wat?”

She looks down at her feet disappointed. As if I had just told her that her dad was dead. She grew paler. Then she looks up at me with her pale skin and Johnny cash t shirt and her dark black hair and she says.: “Are you a welder?”
“second guess is the charm” I say.
“welders, truckers, fork lift operators, thieves, pan handlers, it always suprises me to find out how much more poetic they are than the accountants, the marketing managers, the tax lawyers, and the rest of that hive” she says.
I’m attracted to her, but mostly I just want for her to leave. She has already ruined my day. My name is Madison she tells me. I’m john I say. We have to go kill the author who wrote us she tells me. He hides in an underground lair filled with frogs she tells me. He is the frog king and he wont stop torturing me or her she says. We must kill him before he writes us off a cliff.

At this point I am buzzed and confused and curious and sorry for her. So I say sure lets go.

Her car is a 1992 grey ford escort. The paint is peeling. At this point I’m worried that this is some kind of scam. Is she a hooker? I s she a prostitute? Is she going to kill me over the 36 dollars left in my wallet? After she bangs the door shut. She’s like
“**** me”
“no thanks I say”
“why not?”
“look if this supposed author created you and me he’s probably pretty ****ed up”

She laughs. I begin to imagine ways this turns out. I imagine her high on crack taking me to her husband, telling me to “kill the frog king” I imagine being led to a dark alleyway and being raped by gangbangers. I’m not really worried though, I can take care of myself.
“you realize that I’m just curious? That I’m not actually going to help you kill the frog king?”
“We have to kill the frog king.” she explains, “ otherwise we will die. HE is about to finish us off and move on to his next story.
“So he writes stories, and tortures those stories characters until they are dead and moves on?”
“Yeah, his world view is slightly pessimistic”
“He probably just needs a girlfriend” I say
“ Nah, he is too far gone. Once you have written yourself into a sewer full of frog monsters, you have lost all hope.”
“There’s always hope I say”
“ your such an optimist. Your cute. Lets ****?”
“I’m not going to **** you, apparently this “author” has turned you into a psycho slut. You need help.”
She stops the car.Her pale faces has become flustered with anger. It comes to a halt in the middle of the road. “He didn’t turn me into anything , I was written this way. “ Cars honk their horns behind us. “yes I admit I’m a slut and after thinking about it, he probably wrote me that way because of who he is. It probably gets him off. Writing me this way fufills some need his loser self in the real world has. Now why don’t you stop being a prick and lets have sex. In the middle of the road.”
“nah, he wrote me to be a prick I say.” – although Im imagining her naked at this point. I’m imagining her skinny body pressed against me. But I stop. Its just not the way I am.

We pull up next to some corporate office, and we park . She jets. She is fast and she is running. She runs down a bike trail. I try to keep up. She is like a shadow. I’m fast but maybe not as fast as this. We run through the woods and she stops a 100 feet away. ”here” she points There Is a dried up creekbed by the walkway. Nothing. Her hands press hard against the dirt. She digs underneath the soil. She finds a latch. She pulls hard. Mud flies up and smacks us in the face. There is a ladder. A hole. I decide to go .I already came this far.

Everything is dark and damp/ it would smell worse if I was sober. We climb down for what seems like forever. My legs grow tired. My head hurts and then finally light. The small tunnel fills with light. We climb down. The bars are slippery and im still worried about falling.Im growing hungry already. We have been climbing down for at least 40 minutes, probably more.

My feet hit the bottom .Sure enough all around us is frogs. Red frogs. Giant frogs. Green frogs. Polka dotted frogs. It looks like a cartoon or something. They are hopping in rank and file. They have large piles of dead crickets and bugs. Its pretty disgusting. I can barely stomach it. This girl, well I don’t know any other girl who could have came down here. She is definitely insane.

“We walk along a path made of mud. She snuggles up against me. Holding my hand as we pass an army of frogs. And we reach a hole.

“have you ever been on a rollercoaster?” she asks.
“yeah why?”
“when we jump down this hole , its going to be like a roller coaster.”
“I’m not jumping down there”
“yes you are” and she pushes me. It’s just strong enough of a push to trip me up. I fall. What a *****.

As I’m falling I see stuff. Crazy stuff. Giant spiders. Goblin statues. Pictures of my dead mom. Lots of gelatin creatures. These are the worst. They are pink and shaped like bubbles and inside the pink gelatin are bodies of frogs in various states of decomposition. I keep falling. I feel so dumb. I can’t believe I would ever follow this whore down to some crazy frog palace and jump down an endless hole. There are dragons that fade in and out. Colors wash the walls. Frogs of psychedelic colors croak on the edges of cliffs. I would try to catch an edge but I’m going to fast now. This is the end.

I don’t die I land on a giant disgusting padding of gelatin. I’m starting to enjoy this. And within 5 seconds this ***** lands behind me. All the oxygen returns to my lungs. Me and her are both panting. She points at me. Her face has dirt on it that somehow makes her hotter.
“hahahahah..(weeze) haHAHAHAA(weeze)HAHAAHAHA (cough) HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA”

“What”
She catches her breath. “ I just saw a picture of your mom” she grins
“why did you push me?”
“It was fun”

Anyway we are deep in an underground cavern full of gelatinous type workers. They are shaped like pink bubbles with horrific eyes. Inside each and everyone of their bodies are dead frogs. That you can see because they are see-through.. A large door burst open.

There is a guy with a pen and a piece of paper. “It’s so nice to meet you “ he says. Its been awhile since I have gotten to see my own characters.”
This is the part where I Just decide to go with it. I leap towards him. My body slams against the pink gooey wall. Blood comes down my forehead.
“ Do you realize that in 5 seconds this whole place could be a mcdonalds and you could be dead bodies in a trunk behind that mcdonalds?”
You only exist for my amusement he says . I can rape you he says . All your possessions and everything you’ve ever known will be dead as soon a s I feel like it he says. Just then a man in his thirties appears behind him. With a knife.
“You are all part of my imagination. In, some ways this is all just my masterbatory fantasy. The only real life thing you affect is my sperm and my serotonin levels.”

The man from behind jumps and tackles him. He stabs him. The frog king poops. He stops breathing. It is over. For now. The man simply runs away. He turns back and as his form has turned into just shadow. I yell “nice tackle”

He yells back “Thanks bro, you should have seen me in 95.”
SO yeah that’s how I met my girlfriend but what happens next is even worse. I cant even type it right now.
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Old 07-18-2008, 05:09 PM   #2
Dave Coulier
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

Uhhhh..In before Wut?
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Old 07-18-2008, 05:14 PM   #3
Nevahascards
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

wat
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Old 07-18-2008, 05:15 PM   #4
Alexisonfyre
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

Unaffected by summoning sickness

+10 / +10 trample

wat
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Old 07-18-2008, 05:15 PM   #5
HollywoodMatt
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

I wish I was high so badly right now. Good read.
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Old 07-18-2008, 05:18 PM   #6
ebepse
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

wtf i didnt say you could write about madison
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Old 07-18-2008, 05:24 PM   #7
Coo
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

This is why I pick up all my girls at mtg ptqs. Totally Standard.

Last edited by Coo; 07-18-2008 at 05:25 PM. Reason: Or extended...
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Old 07-18-2008, 05:55 PM   #8
Vroobel
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

yeh you are right, guiness is pretty f'in good
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Old 07-18-2008, 06:11 PM   #9
imurvariance
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

You better **** her in the next one. I had a semi.
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Old 07-18-2008, 06:14 PM   #10
getterdone36
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

so were supposed to actually read this?? cause he said not too
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Old 07-18-2008, 06:21 PM   #11
dkgojackets
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

how was i the first to rate this 1 star
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Old 07-18-2008, 06:31 PM   #12
Alexisonfyre
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

<3 spaceman
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Old 07-18-2008, 06:46 PM   #13
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

i think she slipped you lots and lots of psychedelic drugs.
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Old 07-18-2008, 07:06 PM   #14
Momsbarbershop
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

if u dont **** madison on the next story i will write u off a cliff
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Old 07-18-2008, 07:16 PM   #15
xBornToLosex
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

God I wish I was on drugs while I read this.
A+ would read again.
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Old 07-18-2008, 07:21 PM   #16
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Old 07-18-2008, 07:25 PM   #17
Vehement
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

I read this thread cause it had 4 stars

::angrypanda::
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Old 07-18-2008, 07:58 PM   #18
j2sooted
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Old 07-18-2008, 08:05 PM   #19
spaceman Bryce
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

Quote:
Originally Posted by j2zooted View Post
j2zooted your back! I will say hi even though it will ruin my post count. Also, in reguards to the pic: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
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Old 07-18-2008, 08:07 PM   #20
IsaacW
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vehement View Post
I read this thread cause it had 4 stars

::angrypanda::
So at first you saw 4 stars and you were like

But then you read the thread and you were like

amirite?
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Old 07-18-2008, 11:59 PM   #21
spaceman Bryce
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

Quote:
Originally Posted by ebepse View Post
wtf i didnt say you could write about madison
can i tell them about the time when.....you know?
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Old 07-19-2008, 12:58 AM   #22
Meester Stotch
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

great read!
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Old 07-19-2008, 01:22 AM   #23
obiedman
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

bryce i gave up on 4l but i came back because somebody linked me to this and i love it. you're one of my fave posters fwiw, very nice job
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Old 07-19-2008, 01:23 AM   #24
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

Sweet read. You have a gift. I am hungover with some shakes, but they are small and will have to go away as I am going to have to start drinking again Now.
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Old 07-19-2008, 02:00 AM   #25
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Re: Summoning Sickness (NSFWish)

Original post was too long; I did not read it.
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