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Old 11-20-2012, 02:44 PM   #1426
atakdog
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Re: The well: atakdog

One more pre-Kripalu update:

The past two and a half weeks have been bad. Devi kept giving my tiny, occasional indications that maybe some time post-Kripalu we could try again. She did say that the magic we had felt was unique in her experience, so I hoped she would come around at least to a willingness to try.

She has finally cut that off: We will not be dating again. It's not even clear that she'll ever let me see her again, though how that can work while I am (still) living in a house of hers and riding her horse is not clear. She says this was as hard for her as for me, which to me indicates that she's either really screwed up or really has no idea what's in my head. Probably some of each.

Ultimately, according to her it was my need to possess (which I would cast as my need for certainty) against her need to fly and be free. Pretty fundamental. I believe it's possible that if I can calm myself down and get more yogic, my possessiveness will fade with my insecurities, but she was pretty clear that on her side, she'd never again be comfortable committing to be with the same person forever, nor even guarantee the next day — she wants to feel OK about doing whatever she wants, whenever she wants to.

Unfortunately, she's right that no amount of my getting more comfortable with myself will ever take away my deep-seated desire not to live as she wants to.

So that's that, it seems.

Unfortunately, I've also learned that I'm still deeply inclined toward depression. I am now in full-on depression, finding myself unable to do almost anything. Even yoga — which is pretty bad news come Sunday, I fear. I have slipped badly in my training, physical and mental. In fact, I've taken to spending time on the computer gain, POGging and Sporcling, instead of yoga even as I know I oughtn't — very much characteristic of me in a depressive cycle. We just delayed my standard September crash until November this year. Whoopee.

So I'd like to think that I've been gaining sufficient wisdom through my life that I am now qualified to tell visitors to this well how to cope with depression, but it now seems clear that that is beyond my ken. Maybe some day; maybe post-Kripalu. Or maybe not.
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Old 11-20-2012, 02:46 PM   #1427
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Re: The well: atakdog

I will offer, to thread followers, a minor bone: I think the Kripalu experience may be interesting, even to those with no interest in yoga. If anyone wants to ask about my attitudes about any of it before getting there, go ahead, though I think most of it can be inferred from other things I've posted. Afterward, I suspect I'll have a fair amount to say.
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Old 11-20-2012, 02:48 PM   #1428
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Re: The well: atakdog

And in turn I will make a request: I am now formally holding myself out, once again, as a tutor — MCAT, LSAT, and high school subjects (math and science, basically). If anyone knows of potential students in the greater Boston area, please tell me. I need to find clients somehow, and I want not to leave this area. (I think — there are other areas of the country that are tempting, but for now, here seems right.)
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Old 11-20-2012, 02:53 PM   #1429
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Re: The well: atakdog

you're really building up this kripalu thing in your mind, imo, hoping it will be a panacea, and possibly setting yourself up for disappointment.

i've gone through that a few times myself, thinking that this is the awesome new thing that will totally change my life.

i feel like i should end this post on a positive note, but i feel unqualified to offer any "advice" on how to do it correctly.
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Old 11-20-2012, 02:59 PM   #1430
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Re: The well: atakdog

I know, I am. At least self-awareness on that point may help.

Part of it was that it was a talking point with Devi — a fixed point that I could argue would have some tangible effect on the way we dealt with each other. And I consciously pushed that angle, even knowing that I was likely overselling it. She believed it, because she said everyone she knew who had been through this sort of thing had found it transformative, but I think that was colored a lot by her own experience. Also, she had never known anyone like me who had done it. She considered herself intensely left-brained and analytical (pre-yoga), but she never did quite wrap her head around the fact that in that regard I am another beast entirely.

In all likelihood, three weeks from now I will know a lot more about yoga and how to teach it, but will still be basically the same person I am now. And then ... well, who knows.
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Old 11-20-2012, 03:02 PM   #1431
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Re: The well: atakdog

I am not smart enough to give any special advice. So I just wish you GL
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Old 11-20-2012, 03:27 PM   #1432
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Re: The well: atakdog

I assume you are planning to move as soon as you can afford?
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Old 11-20-2012, 03:40 PM   #1433
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I am not smart enough to give any special advice. So I just wish you GL
+1

Also if you want a potential additional MCAT student, my sister lives in Boston (Tufts FTW!) and is planning to take it in the spring. Idk if she's looking for a tutor but I'd be glad to fwd her your contact info if you PM it to me.
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Old 11-20-2012, 03:52 PM   #1434
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Re: The well: atakdog

Think about your son. Think about the example you are setting for him. He is the most important thing in the world to you. My dad was an alcoholic and quit drinking when he was 45 but the most important things he taught me were not the words he shared but how he lived his life. He worked hard everyday, he was always employed, he always care about his family.

On his off time, he would help build cabins for my other aunts and uncles, he ingrained a work ethic in me that I don't see in younger generations. He instilled the importance of family and working to help them out.

What kind of example do you want to set for your son? I'm proud of the way I've travelled and lived where I've wanted. I've shown my daughter that if you work, you can achieve your dreams. I always wanted to live in Texas since I was a teenager and now I'm living here and my daughter is moving here too.

What values of yours do you want your son to adopt? Those should be your guiding principles?

Life will kick you and beat you when you are down. Your son knows what you felt with Devi. Do you want him to learn to wallow in it and get lost in spiracles or do you want him to learn to get back up and go even stronger after something?




Don't underestimate how much a boy wants to grow up and be like his dad. He's watching you, the choices you make will affect how he chooses to live his life.

Make him proud.
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Old 11-20-2012, 03:58 PM   #1435
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Re: The well: atakdog

Quote:
Originally Posted by wahoopride View Post
I assume you are planning to move as soon as you can afford?
More like as soon as I come up with a firmer idea whether I'm staying here. I may work out some time soon that my ties to this area are too tenuous. Alternatively, I may work out that I really do need to stay here, but that the area is large enough that I need to think a bit more carefully about exactly where. Clearly staying here is not best, but it is sensible for now as committing to something else would not be, not until I decide the relevance, if any, of the yoga stuff.

Up until now, the other reason was that I didn't want to burn bridges with respect to devi.
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Old 11-20-2012, 04:01 PM   #1436
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Re: The well: atakdog

Mac, thank you for the reminder. I do know that. And I keep it in mind. Unfortunately, the problem with depression is that one (I, anyway) is unable to do things even knowing that they are the right thing to do. Adding further motivation doesn't seem to help.

Luckily, even if Kripalu isn't much of anything I've built it up to be, it will be inherently capable of getting me moving again, because of its built in structure. Nothing there is optional. So I will be engaged, 14 or so hours per day, whether I like it or not.

History suggests that that will be enough to get me out of this funk; at the very least I'll get out in a couple weeks in a healthier emotional state.
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Old 12-01-2012, 08:38 PM   #1437
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Very brief check-in:

- I'm still at Kripalu. I'm alive.
- It's intense, in both positive and negative ways. A decent explanation will require many words, so anyone who cares will have to wait.
-Kripalu yoga is way more spiritually oriented than I was led to believe. In the long run this is not a good thing, but it's ok for now.
- Devi finally came out and said today what I've been expecting for a while: she intends never to see or speak to me again. Because I'm a giver and she's a taker... which is interesting because though I have many faults, that really isn't one of them. And also because her position was completely different a month ago, and she has zero new information about me since then. But all y'all who said it couldn't last - go ahead and say the I told you so's.
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Old 12-01-2012, 08:40 PM   #1438
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I probably won't be checking this well for about another week, btw. Just have some rare time off right now.
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Old 12-01-2012, 08:46 PM   #1439
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Re: The well: atakdog

atak i can say with certainty you are a taker and not a giver
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Old 12-01-2012, 08:48 PM   #1440
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Re: The well: atakdog

I thought she was pretty attractive if you wanna hook a brother up
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Old 12-01-2012, 08:50 PM   #1441
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Re: The well: atakdog

how's the food?
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Old 12-01-2012, 09:13 PM   #1442
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atak i can say with certainty you are a taker and not a giver
You're wrong, but that's fine. I take in many ways, but those close to me know that I care more about them than about myself and usually behave accordingly. And with respect to Devi specifically it's absurd - while yes, I lived in her house and ate her food and all, she declined all my efforts to decline her offers, even usually insisting i take them, and more importantly is discounting completely the many things I did for her. It was a reciprocal relationship; that she now sees it in these terms makes me sad but is so far from reality that it doesn't even hurt as much as I might have expected.

but yes, the whole thing does hurt a great deal. I can't recall the last time I was so sad about anything. But I'm handling it better than I would have in the past. It's a good environment for it - hell, breaking down crying in a yoga session here is kind of normal (and I already have several times).

I assume much fun will be made of me for that, and the whole affair. It is how it is; I do not begrudge you that. I will respectfully ask people to be a little bit kind, please.
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Old 12-01-2012, 09:13 PM   #1443
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I thought she was pretty attractive if you wanna hook a brother up
Feel free not to post in this well any more, please.
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Old 12-01-2012, 09:14 PM   #1444
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how's the food?
Wonderful. And healthful.

Many options always, all fresh, all good.
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Old 12-01-2012, 09:15 PM   #1445
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Re: The well: atakdog

Get off 2+2 until you finish this course, give it your utmost and we'll see you on the other side.

<3
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Old 12-01-2012, 09:15 PM   #1446
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Re: The well: atakdog

Also don't reply to that post, seriously get off 2+2 right now.
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Old 12-01-2012, 09:16 PM   #1447
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Re: The well: atakdog

I was serious she was a certified hottie
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Old 12-01-2012, 09:17 PM   #1448
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Also don't reply to that post, seriously get off 2+2 right now.
Thanks, you're right. And I'll try to be more forgiving of whatever other stuff people say.

See y'all in a week or so.
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Old 12-01-2012, 09:17 PM   #1449
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Re: The well: atakdog

i was hoping it would work out for you

id like to believe in such things
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Old 12-01-2012, 09:32 PM   #1450
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Re: The well: atakdog

Can I have this account: https://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/members/338128/

as a gimmick?
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