The other eligible contestants did not submit their second chance libs, and it's been a week so I'm going with what I have.

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by Zurvan

I enjoy long, SCIATIC walks on the beach, getting SMOOSHED in the rain and serendipitous encounters with VIBRATING MATTRESSES. I really like piña coladas mixed with ASTROGLIDE, and romantic, candle-lit SPATULAS. I am well-read from Dr. Seuss to LIBERACE. I travel frequently, especially to OXYGEN BAR, when I am not busy with work. (I am a SANITATION ENGINEER.) I am looking for BUTCHER SHOP and beauty in the form of a ZIMBABWEAN goddess. She should have the physique of ZSA ZSA GABORE and the LESBIAN of BOOTY CALL. I would prefer if she knew how to cook, clean, and wash my DIGITAL THERMOMETERS. I know I’m not very attractive in my picture, but it was taken 96 days ago, and I have since become more OVERCONFIDENT.

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by Atakdog

I enjoy long, UNREQUITED walks on the beach, getting SHARPENED in the rain and serendipitous encounters with AVOCADOS. I really like piña coladas mixed with INK, and romantic, candle-lit TOWELETTES. I am well-read from Dr. Seuss to MARILYN MONROE. I travel frequently, especially to MT RUSHMORE, when I am not busy with work. (I am a SECRET SERVICE AGENT.) I am looking for BEAVER DAM and beauty in the form of a UZBEKISTANI goddess. She should have the physique of KELLY BROOK and the KNEECAP of HOLLY GOLIGHTLY. I would prefer if she knew how to cook, clean, and wash my LACROSSE BALLS. I know I’m not very attractive in my picture, but it was taken 14 days ago, and I have since become more IRIDESCENT.

I know I’m not very attractive in my picture, but it was taken 96 days ago, and I have since become more OVERCONFIDENT

comedy gold jerry

ataks was more surreal but zurvans mentioned lesbians.

was this a seen-in-advance lib, or a straight lib?

This was a straight lib: no advance peeks, blind submisisons.

wash my lacrosse balls ftw

Can't have those [lacrosse] balls being left dirty, you know.

Thank you to VR, for giving us a second chance at this. Frankly I think it's a pretty close heat.

Fail. I totally win this if I see the thread