i think it's pretty clear what's happening but it takes a lot of effort to explain
if i were to go through it i'd need you to be open minded and let go of some pre-existing concepts.
you seem to perceive her as some sort of goddess who has a once in a lifetime connection with her. you need to start by realizing that you're just a man, she's just a woman, and your relationship is flawed just like everyone elses are. then you need to stop justifying everything she does and stop rationalizing why you want things to be precisely one way- this is the exact root of the problem.