THE DINNER PARTY
The Guest List:
Shane Battier
Doyle Brunson
Adolfo (Puddlemouth) Castillo
Matt Damon (host)
Mike “NemoindeniaL” Herr(er)a
Dario Minieri
Another “Tim” Rack
Huck Seed
Angelica Sing (Huck’s significant other)
Tiger Woods
It Would Go Like This...
Arrival:
Another would arrive first, sporting a bright green sweater vest, an orange tie and a pair of maroon slacks. Smiling from ear to ear, happy to simply be invited, he would inform the restaurant’s hostess that the party “Damon for 10” has arrived. Battier would arrive next, well dressed in a navy pin-stripe suit, hold the tie. He would be well shaven and carry with him a subtle, but not offensive, scent of Old Spice aftershave. Another would proceed to bombard him with questions about the Houston Rockets, and Battier would respond slowly, not terribly offended but somewhat displeased to be discussing basketball on such an important occasion. Seed would arrive next with his girlfriend Angelica Sing, which would prompt a smile on the faces of both Another and Shane. Another because Seed is and always will be one of his favorite poker players, and Shane because the two have known each other for several years, having met at a surfing camp in Hawaii.
Seed would be wearing a pair of slightly-too-loose jeans (not in the fashion of a hip-hop hero, but rather that of a pre-teen punk skater). Up top he would be more appropriately dressed with a blue silk shirt, black tie, and purple sweater. Angelica would don a beautiful red dress and a pair of black high heel shoes. As Seed and Battier would be in the midst of catching up, leaving Another a mere spectator, Texas Dolly would roll in (literally, in a scooter), with the host himself, Mr. Matt Damon. The two have become quite good friends in recent years, through the Ante up for Africa series, and several other charity ventures. Damon has even been known to take a dip in the old man’s pool.
Dolly would be dressed in good conservative attire – a full suit complete with a striking silk striped tie. All smiles, he would greet the entire dinner party, and introduce himself to both Rack and Battier, whom he would be meeting for the first time (he had met Angelica once before at a rather raucous function hosted by Rafe Furst). Damon would be his usual rock star self, dressed in a pair of designer jeans and sporting a black silk shirt with the top three buttons undone. To complete the outfit he would be wearing crocodile shoes and a pair of designer sunglasses. At this point, Damon would suggest the party begin assuming their seats at the table, to which everybody would immediately agree.
As the party began to get comfortable around their table, Woods would arrive, accompanied by a short, stocky bodyguard who vaguely resembled Danny DeVito. Damon and Woods, good friends, would immediately exchange smiles and handshakes, and then Woods would find his seat and avoid introducing himself to the rest of the gathering. At this point, a pair of funny looking youngsters would attempt to join the dinner party, to which one of the restaurant’s staff almost immediately began escorting them out. Damon could hardly control his laughter before informing the worker that the two were in fact invited members of the dinner party. Dressed completely inappropriately and looking as confused as a mouse that had just discovered it could fly, Puddlemouth and Professor In Denial had officially arrived.
Drinks:
Damon and Doyle would order beers. Seed and his girlfriend would split a bottle of red wine. Battier would ask if he could have some, but receive a penetrating stare from Sing. Seizing the opportunity, Herr(er)a would offer to split a bottle with Battier, which would simply weird Battier out. Battier would ultimately order a half bottle for himself. Rack and Nemo would agree to split a bottle of white wine, at which point Dario Minieri would casually stroll in and take his seat. Seemingly unaffected by arriving late at such an important dinner party, Dario would be sporting a green suit (pants, jacket and tie, all green). Seeing the smile from the waitress taking orders, he would order a green martini, prompting a stare, followed by a shrug and a laugh, from Doyle. Tiger would order water. Adolfo would ask the waitress if they have Blue Moon. Following a shake of her head, he would list off three or four more beers that he desired, increasingly obscure and foreign. Eventually Damon would look at Adolfo jokingly, smile at the waitress and say “Get this guy a Bud Light, if it’s good enough for the old man (poking Doyle rather intensely in the shoulder), then it’s good enough for him.” The table would erupt in laughter. Adolfo would chuckle awkwardly and look a little hurt.
Dinner:
Damon would order a filet mignon, cooked medium, with a side of baked potatoes. Dolly would order the Surf N’ Turf, with ribeye steak and shrimp. Dario would order a garden salad and some absurd fish that nobody has heard of. Battier would order chicken and tiger scallops, with a side of asparagus and the soup of the day. Nemo would try to convince Another Rack to do a flip whereupon the loser pays, and they split every appetizer on the menu. Tiger, seated next to Nemo, would take this opportunity edge his chair further away from the strange young man. Eventually Nemo & Rack would decided to split eight appetizers, ranging from steak tartare to pan fried vegetarian dumplings. Tiger would order the salmon. Adolfo would order tortellini and a side of zucchini. Huck would order a wild rice salad and some spring rolls, and Angelica would order lamb.
Another Rack would be the most conversational of the group, engaging in diatribes about anything from poker to pornography. At one point, Doyle would make a callous joke about Dario’s feminine outfit, alluding to questioning his sexuality. Another would jump on this as an opportunity to talk about how he has a lot of experience with gay people, and that Dario is definitely not gay. The table would then go silent, Doyle would look angered, Tiger worried, and Huck more amused than he had been until this point. Damon would save the day with a hilarious remark, and, the food would arrive, prompting jovial smiles from all, and even the remnants of a grin from the otherwise stoic Woods.
At one point during the meal, which would commence by Herr(er)a prematurely digging into his steamed oysters, Puddlemouth would exit the stage to head to the lavatory. At this point, Another and Mike would mention to the table that Adolfo has a huge fear of bugs. Most of the table would be confused as to the significance of this seemingly irrelevant tidbit of information, but Huck would smile, and start eagerly sending a text message on his phone. At this point, Doyle and Dario would simultaneously reach for the same piece of bread, and Nemo would suggest they flip for the piece. Perhaps as a sign of the love for flipping shared by the entire gambling community, the entire table (with the exception of Tiger, who would at the time be feeding some left over scraps of food to his bodyguard) seemed genuinely excited for the prospects. Nemo’s clout at the table would go up substantially at this point.
Huck would pull out a deck of cards, and Damon would suggest an Omaha flip. This, like everything that would pour out of Damon’s mouth for the entire duration of the meal, would be received with great success. At this point, Dario would suggest they run it twice, and remind Doyle that last time they ran it twice, he won both. Doyle would chuckle wryly, and say “Run it as many times as you want.” Nemo would briefly mention something about a mixed game flip, a comment that would be mostly ignored. In the end, Dario would win two out of three flips, laugh heartily, grab the bread, and proceed to pour an unhealthy amount of olive oil onto the piece before chomping it down in one impressive bite.
Soon afterwards, Herr(er)a would begin what would amount to a mostly unsuccessful attempt to start a conversation with Woods. Peppering him with questions from his success as a youngster to his epic blow up at the 2009 PGA Championship, Mike was in full force. Woods, though extremely polite, would answer most questions in short fashion, and continue to wear a facial expression that indicated he would prefer to be elsewhere. Midway through their conversation (or lack thereof), Huck Seed would head to the front of the restaurant, where he would briefly meet with Layne Flack, shake his hand, smile a bit, and return to the table. Only the eternally paranoid Professor In Denial would notice, and it would moderately affect the youngster’s mood for the next several minutes, convinced that he would in some way be worse off as a result of this interaction.
By now most of the guests would be finished eating, with the exceptions of the notably slow eater Minieri, and Battier, who would continue to order more and more food as the evening progressed. Tiger’s bodyguard would show increasing signs of boredom. Doyle, full from a great meal, would show signs of fatigue. Huck would show the inkling of a mischievous smile as he routinely surveyed the table. Damon would still be his high-spirited self, leading the table in laughter and keeping the mood light and jovial. By now, the table would be split as to who was the creepiest invited guest: nominees included Nemo, Another, Adolfo, and Dario. Angelica would take an increasingly obvious liking to Damon, and shun most of the rest of the table. Eventually, Huck, seeing that waiting for Dario to finish eating could take several hours, would casually suggest dessert. Doyle’s grin would be the biggest.
Dessert:
Damon and Adolfo would each order a slice of chocolate cake. Doyle would order chocolate mousse and a glass of Baileys on the rocks. Tiger would order a glass of herbal tea. Huck would order fried ice cream, which Angelica would eventually nibble on. Dario, still finishing his main course, would attempt to order some green grapes, an attempt that was finally made successful at Damon’s courteous request. Another Rack would order sugar-coated strawberries. Mike would order dessert crepes. Battier would order a black tea and a bowl of assorted melons.
Just as the dessert would be brought out, Adolfo would receive a call on his cellular phone. Struggling to hear what appeared to be a foreigner delivering an important message on the other end, he would remove himself from the table for a matter of several seconds. Seizing the opportunity, Huck would plant the plastic bug he had received from Layne Flack earlier in the evening in the center of Adolfo’s cake. The table would attempt to stifle their laughter, as they would assist Huck in the speedy execution of this prank.
This entire operation would provide easily the most emotion from Tiger that the table, or perhaps the whole world, would ever see. The successful African-American golfer would hardly be able to control his laughter as he watched the bug being inserted, almost surgically, into the womb of the cake. Huck, knowing Flack was in the area, would have instructed Flack to get the best fake bug he could find within seventy-five minutes, with a budget of $250. Flack, a former used car salesman, would deliver the perfect specimen, a bug so slimy and detailed, it could have easily been real (in fact, at least several members of the table would be convinced that the bug was, in fact real).
Quickly, the table would try to steer the conversation to a serious topic, like the UIGEA, as Castillo would return to the table. As the dinner party would begin to eat their desserts, nary a eye would be able to stay away from the delicious chocolate cake of Puddlemouth. Six minutes into the dessert, Adolfo would let out a sound that has never been heard before in the history of our universe. With a look of fear resembling a man who has just accidentally wandered into a zoo’s bear pit, Adolfo would flinch in horror as he tumbled over backwards on his chair. Never before would this restaurant have seen such a sight of laughter and pure glee, as the table would howl and cackle at this great site. Huck would be surprisingly quiet, though he would show the distinct signs of a wry smile, and embrace many hi-fives from his comrades. It would be years before Adolfo would eat chocolate cake again.
Conclusion
The dinner would be deemed a great success. Damon would promise each and every one of the guests an invite to the following year’s meal, and remind the dinner party that Charles Barkley and Gugel (of Anskypoker.com) would be joining them next year. Several new friendships would form over the course of this meal (most notably one between Woods and Seed), and all guests (with the possible exception of poor Adolfo, who would need psychological treatment over the next several months) would deem the function a great success. Doyle’s grin would be particularly present, as the guests would depart in fairly quick succession, thanking Damon for an evening of great fun.
