Quote:
Originally Posted by Breanne1
I also live a horrible and lonely life which is the root of my depression, and have a lot of social anxiety. Im not motivated to do anything anymore, I try and sleep for as long as possible because I don't want to wake up and deal with my awful life. Im 18 and live with my parents. Yes, I am young but I really don't see the point of my life. I hate it, I hate every moment. I am so unhappy I can't enjoy anything. Living at home makes it a million times worse because i have to fake being a normal happy 18 year old. The other night I actually thought "what if this was my last night", and that terrifies me that things like that run through my mind. I would never ever take my own life because it would ruin my mother/father's life, but It truly seems like a good option right now.
First off, I have to say that if you really think that you might hurt yourself, call 911, or a suicide prevention hotline like the
Trevor project 1-866-488-7386.
It is common to get confused and depressed when you are trying to sort out your feelings about your gender, we all go through this. I've known a lot of transwomen and almost all of them (including me) have had depressed times where we started to have suicidal thoughts. A lot of it has to do with not having people to talk with and understand that we can trust.
This is why resources and community are so important.
There is likely some kind of GLBT center or group in your town that can help you find people who can assist you. Knowing other folks who have gone through this really means a lot. If you do some searches in your area, there are probably some trans groups not too far away.
Another thing that I think helps is role models; it's good to know that some folks are doing really well who have been where you are now. Stuff like
Lynn Conway's pages, particularly her
success stories are good to look at. It's inspiring to see all the transgender doctors, lawyers, models, pilots, professors, etc. that you never see anywhere else in the media.
Yeah, some of us are poker players too. I won't out anyone, but you and I are not the only ones by a long shot.
I'm a big
Kate Bornstein fan, I've never been the same since reading her book Gender Outlaw. She has a newer work out called Hello Cruel World which has 101 alternatives to suicide that are much more fun than dying. Kate really likes to deconstruct the gender binary and provoke folks to think outside the pink and blue boxes.
If you start hanging out with trans folk and you find out that it's not your path, then you just gained some information and you can go a different way. If it does fit you then you have some support and some company. Either way you get to meet some new and probably fabulous peeps. ;-)
Obviously I don't know your parents, so I can't give you any specific advice on how to deal with them. I can tell you that most parents love their children and want them to be happy. I just recently visited with my Dad after not being in touch with him in a long time and I never thought that he would be OK with me, but he seemed to be fine with it. I've seen a lot of parents that are supportive, some right away and others maybe needing some time to come around.
It's starting to become a bit of a cliche but it really does get better. Right now things look very dark because you don't know which way you really want to go or how to get there. The key is to start exploring, find which paths work for you and let your own inner compass guide you. There is no pressure to figure out all at once, just try to keep taking one step at a time and put one foot in front of the other.
Hope this helps. You know you can always contact me if you need more tranny Yoda advice like "patient you must be," "find your own path you must," or "Better it gets."
Shauna