Quote:
Originally Posted by superthrowaway321
hey guys,
created a throwaway just to post here, but i regularly post in bq on my main 2p2 account.
im 18 now, but somehow I was attracted to other guys since I was like, 12 or 13. got called lots of names back in middle school, when I was about 12, and always cried before going to bed. suicide was always an option lingering in my mind. told myself that that was a phase, that i'd 'grow out of it and mature'. was always attracted to guys and not as much to girls, not sexually (well at least that wasn't the biggest factor) but more emotionally, that guys could have the thing whereas some girls couldn't provide (no sexist intentions)
fast forward to 17, and im in high school. friend made a psychology thesis on the effects of bullying on the human mind, that it could distort the mind in some way where it could affect ones sexuality. btw, he is trans (girl->guy), and I had a talk with him, and he said, yeah totally bullying may have an effect on one's sexuality.
18 years old, and recently ive gone into porn, yeah gay porn. I feel like crap everyday after indulging in it, because of work I drifted into it, and somehow began to feel more insecure than ever. I've tried to resist it, but I've always relapsed.
I'm just really caught in the middle of everything now, having no idea what to do whatsoever. I've began feeling slightly more attracted to girls in general, but in my mind nothing beats the situation of my straight best friend telling me he loves me.
oh, and also my dad is a pastor in church so you can pretty much forget the whole coming out thing. I'll pretty much get disowned by my family. He preaches that gay people are yadayadayada...
wonder what you guys think of this messed up situation. prob just another 'random teen kid who's experiencing first world problems'
Are you planning on going to university/moving away at any point, even for a short juncture? Breaks from your normal or 'comfort zone' have helped me sort out some of the things you mentioned. I grew up in an extremely liberal city, knew I was attracted to guys for a long time; but throughout HS thought girls could do it for me, never really dated a girl, but there were some things I thought might be crushes...turns out those were teenage hormones mixed with being best friends with several girls, figured that out pretty much 3 months into heading to university and came out, although I always accepted the fact that I was either bi or gay, so slightly different there I guess.
Bullying does have an effect, on self-esteem, etc etc, lots of studies, having dealt with my share (for being nerdy/odd more than gay) it's something surmountable, feels like **** but years later it barely lingers, at least for me and Im in university so it hasn't even been that long...granted I still want to go back and have words with some of my HS classmates lol
Sounds like you have some awesome friends though! You'll figure out that being gay or bi or wtv is natural/fine in your own time, and in the meantime that's what friends are there for as well as forum threads/groups on 2p2!
EDIT: A side note, but I always find re-assurance in understanding something completely, look around online for all the LGBT positive things, especially from faith-based groups given what seems to be your region's background. There's a lot of positive stuff out there, and depending on your parents denomination it is of note that Gene Robinson is the first openly gay episcopal bishop, in many Christian organizations/groups there's a lot of LGBT support...just not in all of them.
Last edited by sohoskiracer; 03-25-2013 at 08:38 PM.