I try to put excess cash in bank every couple weeks and the women who work in the bank are 130% sure (Scientific poker math) that I cook meth or something. God damn it would be funny to take out one of their daughters.

There's a good chance they'd be no less horrified if they found out you were a poker player.

got a new one last weekend.


someone mentioned i play poker during a convo at the bar.

"you play like everyday?"
"ya"
"how can you afford that?"
"...."

I can just imagine your face after that line, hilarious ^^

: laugh:

Prob the best one I've read in awhile, but that cleaning lady sounds awesome.

what do you do? or What do you do for livin...?

One off my best answers is: - ''i have a good biznis on the internet.''

and when someone ask me what is it? i just answer: ''It would realy take hours to explane it, becouse it is very very complicated!''

And the good thing is i don't lie, and it is the best answer for me and for others. isn't it?


And when a girl for example relly have time to listen even fev hours,.. i just start to tallk some stuff that she don't undarstand... and ask her: ''do you understand something off that?'' .. ''u see, i told u it is to complicated.''

Oh, My, God. This. So much.

"Lets play one on one.. like just for fun no money, I wanna see if I can beat you."
[ ] there is skill in poker when you don't care about the money.
[ ] I want to spend my time telling you that you're first to act and arguing about it while you explain "wtf I have the button u gota go first man"

Instatilt

Happened the other day in a taxi...

Driver: "so, are you a student or something then?"
Me : "nah, never really liked school. Just play poker for teh moniez"
D: "Really? Oh i tried to play that, then i realised that it was all luck and no skill-it is, you no that?"
Me: "Well, it depends, but i would say its mainly skill"
D: "Nah, my friend plays, and he stopped cos he sed it was rigged- you shouldnt play online. You cant win!"
Me: "Ye, i suppose your right. Probly stop soon..." Lolz

I then had to sit for the next 20 mins listening to him telling me bad beat stories+having to explain that there are other games than 5 card stud.
Without a doubt, my least fave taxi journey ever.

*Buys a poker magazine at a news agency*

Cashier: Poker, aye?

Me: Yes sir

Cashier: Did you see that movie about it?

Me: Ummm...I don't think so. Which one?

Cashier: 21!

Me: That's blackjack, not poker.

I was watching a noob friend of a friend play poker. My best mate who also plays was watching too. The guy playing is running like god, playing rush. He was doing all the usual crap, like

"Wow! I flopped another three of a kind. Does that beat a straight? Okay. I think I'm gonna trap him with this one"

"No!" My friend and I yell out. "Bet it. Bet it big."

"Okay." Then he raises his size from 5c to 10c

Every couple of minutes my friend and I would crack up laughing at how bad he was, but we'd keep it quiet so we didn't look like douches to him. Then he gets QQ in the cut-off and min raises. BB calls. Flop is QTT.

"FLUSH!! I'm all-in!" he says.

So at that point, I just thought, "F*** it". I spent the rest of his session telling him that T5o is the best hand as it can make all the straights and 2 flushes, and that the reason he is running so well is because he has just deposited, and the site wants him to play more.

Poker is my passion however I have a pretty decent corporate job so of course I am not doing it full time. Of the people that I tell that I play poker or some how find out I get the funniest questions / comments.

1.) One girl from work asks if I link my credit card online. I explain that a credit card is how I have made the deposit. She continues to tell me that its the stupidest thing I could ever do because now every time I play "they" will charge my credit card. She insisted I should call my credit card company to have a new card issued.

2.) My one buddy at work that I can tolerate talking poker with is in the lunch room with me, we are going on about bad sessions so on and so forth. This one lady walks in and sits down to watch her soap opera and a gamblers anonymous commercial comes on. She then looks me straight in the eye and says I hope you were listening to that.

It was pretty amusing.

Lol, my last cab-ride home from the Casino the cab-driver went on for the 20 minute drive about how he often used to do blow with rich poker players in his cab/accept fare in coke/etc. If I hadn't been drunk I probably would have been pretty worried about him driving me...

eff why pee

eff em pee

Dingdingdingdingding

Same thing from several different people

I explained to my father how the money gets handled on the internet and cashouts etc..

Him: Ok, so they mail you a check if you withdraw it, but how did you put money on the website in the first place?

I whipped out a 20 dollar bill and put it into the disc drive and then hit the close button.

He got a kick out of that

this might be the best one I have seen on here

I'll preface by saying it up front: tl;dr

I used to play professionally, now am more of a rec player who still puts in about 20 hours a week online at at the occasional casino. I made the mistake of telling ONE person that I played poker professionally (about 3 years ago), and it pretty much has trickled down to just about every person at the company, but it seems like a new person finds out every other day. Here is a summary of EVERY conversation I have had with someone who just found out I play/played poker:

Them: Hey? I just heard from <insert name here> that you play poker professionally

Me: I used to, not anymore (WTF do you think I am sitting in this office????????)

Them: I love watching it on TV. Were you ever on TV?

Me: Yes.

Them: Have I seen you on TV?

Me: I don't know. You tell me. The screen only works one way.

Them: Do you know <insert name of their good friend who plays at a local casino and once cashed in a tournament for $3.50>

Me: No. Do you know Brian Smith?

Them: No...who's that.

Me: My best friend from elementary school.

Them: Have you played in the WSOP?

Me: Yes.

Them: That's amazing. I want to play. I can't believe you shelled out so much money to play in a tournament!
---
Me: <old answer> I don't. I always satellite into big tournaments.

Them: How do you do that?

Me: <explain how satellites work> <Then explain again> <Then break out flow charts> <me realizing I just wasted 10 minutes of my life I will never get back> This is always followed by them saying that:

Them: I am going to do that!

---

Me: <new answer> Think of it as a business expense.

---

Them: What is the biggest pot you ever won?

Me: I dunno. somewhere around $10k.

Them: Wow. What is the biggest pot you ever lost?

Me: I dunno. Somewhere around $10k.

Them: Wow. That's alot of money. <Insert bad beat story where they tell me how they had AA and lost a hand one time>

Me: Wow. That has never happened to me before.

Them: Do you know any famous poker players?

Me: Yes.

Them: Who?

Me: Do you know who Izmet Fakali is?

Them: No.

Me: I know him. (*ed note: I do not know Izmet)

Them: Why did you give it up?

Me: (choose one: ) Wife wanted a house and it is hard to get a loan as a professional gambler; wanted to make sure I had stability for new baby; I was too happy playing poker and wife wanted me to become more miserable; went broke staking TJ Cloutier at craps.

Them: Do you still play?

Me: Yes

Them: How much do you make?

Me: More than I make here.

Them: Do you play online?

Me: Yes.

Them: How do you get your money? /Aren't you worried it is rigged? /Isn't that illegal?/ How do you know that every other play isn't cheating? / Do you play for real money? / How can you tell when people are bluffing? / I play online to for fake money and have made 100000000000000000 dollars...should I play for real?

Me: Yes, you should.

Them: My friend plays online and he says it is a lot of fun. Are you better than him?

Me: I don't know him, but yes.

Them: We should play some time so you can teach me.

Me: Coaching is $150/ hour.

Them: What?

Me: Sure that would be fun.

Them: How did you learn how to play?

Me: Studying WPT final tables on TV and writing down advice given by Vince Van Patten.

Them: We should have drinks some day...I'd love to hear more about this!

Me: Yeah. That would be great. But I also like shoving toothpicks in my eyes for laughs.

Them: Hey...if I gave you $50 could you run it up for me?

Me: Why don't you give me $50 and we'll see what happens.

Them: Will you double it?

Me: Probably not. Hard to double it in a bar.

Them: Well I better get back to work. Will chat soon, okay!

Me: Where's my $50?

Lol.

I was playing cards at a poker room when a GA commercial came on during the baseball game that was on TV.

One guy said to me as a joke "you should look into GA" (cause I raise everytime I open pre so I guess Im a lagtard gambler in his eyes)

I said "I went one time I thought how stupid it was so I gave them 4:1 oods I would never come back...It really sucked having to pay up next week."

Lol, nice catch! What u posted is indeed true tho. Tell 1 person u play poker, everybody they know will eventually know about it and so on and either tell a "gambling gone bad" story\try to talk some sense into ur head\ask u to double their money\but how much did u lose.

But how much have you lost?

Most life-tilting comment ever.