she had thrown a basket of marmalades at my head and I ducked
just in time…my fat girlfriend was running amok like a maori tribesmen on crystal meth…her jowls heaved…she looked like Alfred Hitchcock…”YOU SAID YOU WERE DONE WITH POKER YOU ****HEAD!” she was steaming and she threw a jar of jam at my face, this one grazed me a little and left me with a scar and a shard of glass in my cheek…but I keep grind on the mind…

I charged at her head down like Adrian Peterson in the living room after his son had misbehaved…she tried to duck but her fat slowed her down and I drove her to the ground…but as I laid on top of her, her fat enveloped me like a marshmallow…I thought this is how it ends…We laid there until she got hungry a few minutes later and I was saved… she left the house probably for a hoagie or to direct a noir... the important thing was now was my chance to recover the $372.45 I had hidden in the cupboard behind the jellies and jams…we have a lot of them for some reason…I grabbed the cash… and dialed my friend degen bob…my car was in the shop after a blind man hit me on a taco run made to placate the wooly mammoth…”Bob, I need a ride to the casino”
“but the only games running are Razz and 10-25 no limit, and I know you don’t have the roll for the no limit game…”
“just leave it to me Bob, don’t worry about it.”

We arrived and I heard my dead old man talking to me…”razz is a game for women, queers and Czechoslovakians for some reason…no son of mine will play it”… and I knew what I had to do to get in action… i marched straight to the blackjack table and the dealer was a woman with 3 chins… she could have been my fat girlfriends cousin or grandma…i put it all down… all $372.45…she gave me the 45 cents back…
My heart was pounding…3 blacks 2 greens 4 reds and 2 whites… i put it all in the circle and lit a cigarette while bob looked on…

she gave me a look… what a beaut this one was…she pulled the first card and snapped it down in front of me…ace of diamonds and things were looking up…the second came… ace of spades…and my heart sinks because i can’t split…im stupid as a sleep-deprived monkey...i should waterboard myself until i divulge a secret…

“niche” said degen Bob, “I can buy one of the aces off you”
“go **** yourself bob I hope u fall in a puddle... these aces are mine split or no-split ive made my bed and ill lie in it now…”

i looked at my fat girlfriends ancestor and then it hit me… i have the most powerful hand in holdem and the dealer has a king showing and im all-in… I keep grind on the mind and tap the table…she pulls over a 2…I tap again, she pulls a 9…we need the last card in the flop… its an Ace and ive made a set… “you’ve got 14” says bob… “shut up” I tell him and smack the table hard like judge ito using my hand like a gavel…
….

IT’S A SEVEN and I jump up and do a dance like durrrr after spiking a 3 on the riv in a 31k pot. The dealer shows a ten and she pays me and im up to $742.

I bet it all again, and my first card is 8 of hearts.. then 7 of hearts.. suited connector… i pull an ace of hearts… hit again…2 of hearts. I tap the table again… bob says “what are you doing niche” but I have a flush draw… i keep grind on the mind and IT’S A 3 OF HEARTS… I stay… the dealer has 17 and she pushes my winnings… I have $1484.45 and we’re back in action off to the big boy game…my old man would be proud…

To be continued

What is this abomination.

You can never replace the King.

Didn't read but I love this thread

cliffs?

I too have a story....

i went on the BIGGEST BENDER in mississippi this weekend. stayed up for three days doing cocaine and drinkin all the jameson whisky in the beau rivage. finally went broke in the high limit room (cannot remember how much money i got up to). finally went to eat with not a dollar to my name and got comped a buffet 40$ at the beua. overdrafted account to get gas to go home. going to sleep for next few days lol. thread saver.

When the thread is about marmalade and it's that long... No.

TLDR op

This

Pretty good imitation. I loled a bit.

I loled

Should I read the first line to the end?

terrible blog

I could never replace the King. But I also think he's likely been committed to an institution possibly after writing "Keep grind on the mind" over and over again on a typewriter like Jack Nicholson in the Shining and is currently in an insane asylum playing poker for buttons and pieces of lint

will use daily

Only good part of OP. Rest was ****. \